You Are Probably Not a 'Porn Addict'

In my practice, I see many young men who claim to be “addicted” to online porn. This notion of being an addict carries a lot of negative connotation and stigma, as well as a sense of inevitability that creates obstacles to change and growth.

After assessment and some treatment work, most young men I see don’t fall into severe categories of addiction. Most use porn problematically, in a way that interferes with their aspirational sex life. In other words, most men who feel like “addicts” are likely better described as men who are “out of control” in their use of porn.

The Problem With the Addiction Framework

Language matters in the treatment of all therapeutic material. When someone identifies as an “addict,” the term carries all its weighted connotations. Following the popular 12-step model for alcohol, “addicts” often see their affliction as a “disease” that is inherent to who they are. Their struggle against addiction becomes lifelong, something they must always remain vigilant about—where one drop of alcohol could return them to the worst days of addiction.

With sex and porn use, however, this model doesn’t work. With something like alcohol, it’s easy to see addiction in binary terms: Avoid alcohol and stay sober. With sexual “problems,” it’s not that neat. In most cases, we are not trying to eradicate the drive or desire for sex but rather to modify and manage it.

Competing and Contradictory Desires

Many men feel incredible confusion and cognitive dissonance when they try to stifle their arousal for a woman they glance at on Instagram, and then re-ignite that desire for their partner in a more “appropriate” setting. This can feel like a kind of whiplash or psychological Jekyll and Hyde—where someone must repress or suppress sexual instincts during the day, only to re-ignite them in the evening for their girlfriend. As a result, this can amplify other problems like erectile dysfunction or diminished sexual desire.

An Erotic Conflict Frame

Rather than seeing excessive porn use as an “addiction,” experts like Doug Braun-Harvey (The Harvey Institute) propose seeing it as an “erotic conflict” or “out-of-control” sexual behavior. The first benefit of this frame is that it gives the person much greater autonomy and control over their view of the problem.

They are not a helpless “addict” stricken by disease, but rather someone who has let a habit get out of control. This can apply to other activities as well, like eating, exercise, or scrolling. Something has come out of balance and needs a course correction. This can be helpful for partners, too, since the addiction framework can feel like a life sentence or a personal betrayal: “How could you have hidden the fact that you are an addict?”

This framework also reframes porn as less of a binary, all-evil problem. Fantasies of other women, titillation on Instagram, or even porn use do not automatically equate to addiction, overuse, or problematic intimacy with a partner. Many sex therapists and researchers argue that porn, masturbation, and fantasy can be incorporated into a healthy partnered sex life and can even help address problems like disparate sex drives. They can also help avoid real-life consequences like sexually transmitted infections or “catching feelings” that can come with sexual expression in the real world.

Even if an individual and partner cannot reconcile or integrate porn use into their sex life, the erotic conflict frame offers a normalizing language for navigating problematic use. Couples and individuals are encouraged to look at their sexual values and see how porn use interferes with or misaligns with their self-concept. For instance, it can highlight a tension between wanting to experience dominance or aggression in sex versus a belief in consent, mutual safety, and pleasure.

As the title of a well-known family systems book asserts, there are really “no bad parts” in our psyche. We have uncomfortable and socially problematic drives, desires, and fantasies that may find expression in porn. Better understanding these desires and giving them voice can prevent unwanted “leakage” into problematic uses. It may even provide a language to bring back to a partner and integrate into a healthy sex life.

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