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Key points
- In a recent survey, respondents of all ages and genders struggled with negative body image.
- Younger generations exhibited a more nuanced and complex understanding of topics like orgasms and non-traditional relationships.
- Most respondents were able to enthusiastically share something they loved about their sexuality.
If you’re like most of us, when you think about sex and vulnerability, many uncomfortable topics likely pop to mind, like judgment, insecurity, and shame. But have you ever considered what you most appreciate or love about your sexual expression? Jennifer Gunsaullus has and, as a sociologist, communication coach, speaker, and author, she recently conducted an anonymous online survey with *269 respondents of all adult ages. Her “Sex & Vulnerability” survey primarily asked questions related to insecurities and shame.
She posed the following question: What do you appreciate or love about your sexuality, sexual functioning, or sexual expression?
The following six major themes emerged from the participants’ open-ended responses:
1. Openness around sexual exploration or experimentation. Respondents emphasized the importance of being non-judgmental, both towards themselves and others. There was a desire to remain curious, approach sex in a playful way, enjoy how fun sex can be, and appreciate the energy of flirtation.
One respondent, who was in their 30s and identified as gender nonbinary, bisexual, and polyamorous, wrote, “I'm more open and vulnerable with my sexuality than most people I know, especially where I moved from. I feel a lot more flexible and can flow in most sexual situations now and I really love that about myself.”
2. Higher desire or their body’s responsiveness to pleasure and orgasm. This theme emphasized people’s ability to experience a higher desire and responsiveness to pleasure. One respondent in their 50s, who identified as gender nonbinary and bisexual, and is divorced and dating, commented, “I do love the fact that I come easily and often, and that I can enact the behavior of a ‘typical’ woman or man and get very similar emotional/sexual pleasure from each. I love that my brain IS capable of prioritizing sex at least some amount of the time, so I can really enjoy it without being distracted when it comes up (which is odd.... because if I'm doing ANY OTHER activity, I'm distracted largely all of the time).”
3. Comfort and acceptance. This category broke down into two broad sub-themes: a) acceptance of one’s body and self as a sexual being, and b) the experience of feeling accepted by one’s partner for their body and as a sexual being. Respondents focused on the importance of being completely open and comfortable to disclose their sexual orientation and gender identity and being free from shame (e.g., pleasure without shame, no shame in masturbation, giving up shame and overcoming one’s religious upbringing, etc.). Notable quotes included:
“I love just being me. The sexual me. Feeling pleasure without shame, I love being experimental, and I love to just feel,” shared a divorced woman in her 50s, who identifies as heterosexual and is now in a serious relationship and practicing consensual non-monogamy.
“I appreciate that all things considered, I’m incredibly lucky not to carry a lot of shame with me around my sexuality. I appreciate that I overcame my eating disorder and feel much more confident around my body now (which directly translates to how I feel in the bedroom being naked and vulnerable around others). I appreciate that I’m in a loving, committed relationship where we can explore our sexuality together. We should really do this more often!” wrote a woman in her 30s who identifies as heterosexual and in a serious relationship.
4. The shared physical and emotional intimacy experience with another. This theme was about sharing a depth of connection and there were two components to this: a) having vulnerability, trust, and a deep emotional connection with a partner; and b) appreciating having a partner for a long-term sexual relationship/marriage who matched them sexually (over a long period of time or being able to share a swinger or open relationship). For example:
A man in his 40s, who was divorced and identified as heterosexual and dating, shared, “I love being in love – and having warm happy cozy sex with no shame of expectations or performance.”
And a married man, who is heterosexual and in his 50s, wrote, “My spouse and I have enjoyed an active sexual lifestyle over the past 30+ years even through the family years, and challenges with work and life in general.”
5. Giving pleasure to another. Some respondents emphasized their ability to give pleasure as their favorite part of their sexual expression. This theme emerged more so for men and centered around always trying to please their partner and be a good lover. Responses included:
“I love learning what pleases my partner. I also love talking about what things will improve our sex life together. My confidence is very high and despite my personal struggles, I don't hesitate to engage in sexual activities,” wrote a respondent in his 30s who identified as a male heterosexual who is dating.
Another heterosexual male who is dating, but in his 50s and practicing polyamory, shared, “I love that I genuinely derive my pleasure from that of my partner and so I strive to make every single encounter the best to have ever had.
6. Liking specific body parts. Gunsaullus anticipated there would be more emphasis to this survey question on specific body parts, but this ended up being a smaller theme. This category spoke to confidence in one’s specific body parts and physique. Examples of responses included:
“I love when I feel good about my physique, its appearance and strength…and that others tend to love it,” noted a man in his 60s who is remarried and polyamorous.
And a respondent in her 40s, who identifies as heterosexual and single, wrote, “My breasts look amazing, especially at my age.”
In terms of the survey responses overall, Gunsaullus was most surprised by how:
- People were willing to be very vulnerable and write in detail about their sexual psychology, not just about their physical experience.
- Respondents of all ages and genders struggle with negative body image.
- Younger generations (under age 40 generally) exhibited a more nuanced and complex understanding of topics like orgasms and non-traditional relationships — perhaps partially explained by such topics becoming more mainstream and normalized over time.
- Most respondents, even if shared deep insecurities and fears in previous survey questions, were still able to enthusiastically share something they loved around their sexuality.
In summary, Gunsaullus wants everyone to consider the following key takeaways from the results:
- Whatever you are feeling or fearing intimately, you are not alone.
- Improving communication about these topics is a skill and, like all skills, it must be practiced.
- Showing vulnerability encourages others to do the same, which fosters deeper intimacy and connection.
*Although the survey respondents represented a wide range of ages, genders, sexual orientations, relationship statuses, and race/ethnicities, the majority of respondents identified as white (83%), heterosexual (70%), women (58%), and married or in a serious relationship (51%), although a notable proportion was practicing polyamory/consensual non-monogamy within those committed relationships.
Facebook image: fizkes/Shutterstock
