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Do you consider yourself charming and interesting?
It’s easy to think that charm, like gray eyes, is a gift of nature you either have or lack. That’s not true.
Charm is a combination of skills, confidence, and adaptability, all of which you can boost. The magic trick isn’t magic.
Two words: Be interested.
We all convey a lack of interest sometimes, in our own ways. Some of us are over-talkers. You might nervously ramble, seek sympathy or approval, vent, or lecture. Either way, you are demonstrating more interest in yourself than the other person.
Some of us don’t say enough or remain vague or impersonal, which also conveys a lack of interest. Your quiet reserve shades into a wall.
Now we've all had our social rhythms altered by the coronavirus—living away from vulnerable family members, wearing a mask during a workday, or communicating largely by text or Zoom. In phase two, the reopening, you might relapse into being a conversation hog or decide you'd rather not socialize—you'll stay home while others frolic.
Consider the suggestions below, which I believe are worth reviewing even if you're a social genius, and at any age.
Make an effort. Social skills are a choice. Let's say you're an overtalker. You might think, talking a lot is who I am. It’s not fun for me to shut up. I can’t be phony.
Or, I just don’t like to say much. I don’t like to share. I can’t be phony.
But making an effort isn’t phony. If you try to make a good impression, research suggests, people will see more accurately the qualities you value in yourself.
After a really good exchange, you’ll feel more alive, more yourself, and less like you’re going through the motions. Even introverts thrive on connection, only they need it less frequently.
Don’t be afraid of small talk, especially with strangers. The goal is to get the conversation going. Take a few minutes just to get into a rhythm, when you alternate speaking. Once there’s an exchange going, you can move on.
Ask questions you’d be happy to answer yourself. It’s considered polite to stay away from politics and religion. Safe topics are family, occupation, recreation, and dreams.
Let’s say you’ve been talking about bad weather. You might follow up with a question about dreams: “If I could give you a plane ticket right now, where would you want to go?”
If they stall, tell them where you’d like to go and why.
Catch and pass the ball. Many people approach a conversation like a basketball game, with all the other players on a different team. They’re looking for the moment to grab that ball and take their chance at the basket, scoring a point.
Instead, think of a conversation as basketball within your team. All the players are focused on the player with the ball, ready to accept a pass. They’ll shoot if they’re near the basket, but they’re also happy to pass the ball on.
Focusing on the player with the ball means listening. If you’re just waiting your turn, listening to a voice in your head, you’ll miss the flow. If you hog the ball, the other players will be annoyed. On the other hand, if you’re not engaged and fumble every pass, you’ll come off as boring.
Emphasize similarity. Conversations move quickly when people find common tastes, interests, and experiences. So you’re best off bringing up topics that genuinely interest you.
However, there are ways to emphasize similarity even when you can’t see quickly what you two have common. The details count: If the person you’re speaking to has a favorite term or phrase, don’t be afraid to use it, too. People naturally change how quickly they speak and their gestures to match a conversation partner, much research demonstrates. Extroverts and people who are more open to experience may do this more readily. If you're ramping up social skills again, you may have to do this more consciously for a while.
If someone expresses an opinion, look for ways you agree, rather than pointing out how they’re wrong. This isn’t phony, if you actually find the areas of agreement. You don’t have to agree with the conclusion to agree with one point along the way.
Simply repeating what someone said will do wonders. This works especially well when there’s a conflict, for example in a negotiation. But it’s useful whenever you want to connect.
You: How are you?
She: Oh I’m great, I got up at 5 a.m. and got in a run and it totally changed my day, I’m still peppy.”
You: Wow, getting an early start totally changed your day. I always feel great when I rise early but don’t make it every morning. Do you think you can pull that off again tomorrow?”
Learn. Just like with a basketball game, conversations are more exciting if there’s a goal. So your goal might be to learn from everyone you meet.
Don’t dismiss people as boring. That’s just lazy. To help a quiet person open up, make your questions open-ended, or if they balk, make them specific and follow up with more.
Often the goal shifts mid-conversation. A back-up goal might be to give other people what they seem to want.
Let’s say the person you’re talking to answers your questions and you’re interested and learning. But along the way you hear a lot of self-doubt or boasting. Either way, they’re insecure, which can be annoying.
Good conversationalists will give them approval, without faking. Notice something specific about them and its value to you—"You have a lot of self-discipline. Okay, I'm inspired. I'm going to quit sugar, too."
This is also a chance to learn about yourself. You might notice the next time that your own conversation is all about seeking approval and they’re not giving it to you. That insight allows you to give up and try something else.
Take your time. Some shy people freeze in terror when there’s a silence. Talkative people, on the other hand, will fill it up immediately.
People will enjoy conversations with you, and you’ll enjoy them more, if you demonstrate that silence is fine. Pause. Take your time.
This will allow you to refocus on the other person if your attention has wandered.
Body language is part of the conversation. If you’ve been quarantining, you’ve been texting and on the telephone or talking over video, which distorts facial expressions and keeps you in your chair. In person, remind yourself of the basics.
Stand or sit up straight.
Keep your head up and smile.
Keep eye contact whenever they talk. Look away when they do, so they don’t feel pinned down.
Direct your body, feet, and head pointed their way.
Make your little noises and nod to show that you’ve heard them.
If you want a conversation to end, say what you’re enjoyed about the conversation, and if they don’t get the hint, look away and say something nice again.
