Gifts Come With Strings Attached

Someday—and that day may never come—I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day. – Vito Corleone, The Godfather

Giving and receiving gifts confounds the folk psychologist. Some think gifting is “nice,” and that’s the end of it. Feeling the warm glow of one’s own generosity supports this perception, and it prevents further analysis. The receiver is more likely than the giver to detect the subtext of expected reciprocity. "What do I have to do to restore equilibrium?" they may ask. Certainly, the giver can understand that a gift sets the stage for a reciprocal exchange, and they can use this knowledge strategically. When they do, however, the warm glow, which feels so nice, is dimmed. The giver’s self-perception moves from warmth (I am nice) to competence (I am clever).

My father had a difficult relationship with his father. Once, my father gave his father an expensive watch for his birthday. His father barely acknowledged the gift, looked at it briefly, and set it aside. My father was deeply hurt by this. He was trying to manage a reciprocal relationship. Perhaps he was trying to express gratitude for what his father had done for him, and he was trying to elicit an expression of appreciation, perhaps love. His father’s dismissive reaction was a short-sighted power move. It asserted his dominance while undermining the long-term health of the relationship with his son.

Ritual Gift Giving in Archaic Societies

Social science is indebted to the early French anthropologists who studied gift exchanges in “archaic” societies where gifts represent a form of economic behavior and where they function as means of social control and stability maintenance (Mauss, 1925). When giving and receiving is ritualized, its mystique is drained, and so is the warm glow of self-congratulation. The archaic tribespeople, we suspect, were less sentimental about gifts than we are.

Now that a ritualized gift-exchange economy no longer exists, gifts have become a problem. We need to deflect from the implicit demands of reciprocity if we wish to preserve the sentimentality of the niceness of gift-giving. Achieving a balance requires some self-deception. Givers assure themselves and the receivers that there are no strings, and the receivers pretend to believe it. When receivers break this contract of deception, things become awkward. Síntia draws her credit card faster than Aline and pays for dinner. Aline then swiftly assures Síntia that “I will get it next time.” This will deflate Síntia, for she can no longer regard herself as generous.

Anyone who has given this some thought or who thinks about this post, which is my gift to you, can work out their own position on the matter. For example, you may welcome the give-and-take dance, accept it as a social dilemma, and look out not to get suckered. Alternatively, you might place the highest value on (1) the sentimental glow of generosity, (2) the building a reputation of generosity, or (3) the putting of others into debt and keeping them there–like Don Corleone. You will have to strategize. The key element of your strategy is to ensure that the receiver has no easy way or immediate opportunity to equalize, and ideally has no opportunity to express gratitude.

These goals can be in conflict. For example, if you give anonymously, you cannot build a reputation of generosity, a dilemma satirized by Larry David on his show Curb Your Enthusiasm (Weide, 2007). In Season 6, Episode 2, Larry is outplayed by Ted Danson, who anonymously donates a hospital wing and then leaks the information that it was he who had written the check.

Quasi-Random Acts of Kindness

Those who study mindfulness have argued that random acts of kindness help sustain happiness (Lyubomirsky et al. 2005). More realistically, such acts should be called “quasi-random acts of kindness,” since givers will likely remain mindful of the presence or absence of an audience and of the receivers being either strangers or friends. Yet, quasi-random giving preserves an element of unpredictability, keeping the receivers guessing about how they might reciprocate. A lurking ethical issue should be recognized here. Randomness in gifting will frustrate effective altruism or any kind of need-based magnanimity. Yet, it makes us wonder how a rich person will respond when receiving a gift from a poor person, seemingly at random. This poor person might be a master of deflection and win in the end (Cialdini, 1984). If the rich person does not reciprocate right away, the poor person may approach them later—although the day may never come—and request a service.

Further distinctions can be made. Some gifts are utilitarian; they ask to be used. When you give newlyweds a blender, you expect them to blend things. Other gifts are symbolic, such as a framed photo of you and your lover in Playa del Crimen. You hope to see the photo displayed prominently. Lastly, some gifts are meant for decoration only. Failing to display them shows a lack of tact or counts as a straight-up insult.

Utility-bearing gifts are intriguing. I gave a friend a book by Ernest Hemingway. He read it and liked it. We were both gratified. Then I gave him a book by Edward Abbey, judging it to be after his taste. Five months later, it is still on display, unread. There is a complication here in that the disappointment mounts with time, and does so faster than the relief expected to be felt if or when the book were eventually read. Caveat dator! In hindsight, this complication may explain why people are not more enthusiastic gift givers. Economists look to the price of the gift, which is a loss, but this does not fully explain our reluctance to give.

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Lastly, giving a gift might lead you into a social trap. A would-be receiver might refuse a gift. A more tactful one might say: “Oh dear, you shouldn't have!” It is even more tactless to “price” a gift and let the world know. In light of this unappetizing possibility, gift refusal does not look all that bad. It might mark the beginning of a great friendship. If, however, the giver refuses to accept a refusal, one should worry about their ulterior motives.