Those Precious Preschool Friendships

Sam’s parents ended their summer at a neighborhood barbecue attended by several of Sam’s friends’ parents. Conversation eventually settled on whose child was looking forward to seeing whom after the summer break. There was some, but not unanimous, consensus that the boys were looking forward to seeing the boys and the girls, the girls.

On the walk home, Sam’s mom pensively asked her husband if he thought their son “made good friendships.” It’s a good question, asked by countless parents about their offspring.

What does make for good preschool friendships? Favorable conditions for friendships to take root include:

Shared space. Children must be physically together on a fairly regular basis for friendship to grow between them. Coming from the same neighborhood helps, as does being in the same carpool, bus route or afterschool arrangement. Routinely sitting next to or near each other at school tips toward growth as well. Parents may or may not have a role in shaping such opportunities.

Shared play activities. Play is the major driver of friendships in the preschool years. Children who choose the same or similar play settings, routines, or activities will get a lot of practice being together, waiting their turn, sharing, winning and losing—all things that teach essential social lessons. Sam’s father called his son’s clutch of friends the “Magna-Tile mafia.”

The power of gender. Sam’s mom: “No matter how hard we try, we can’t get Sam to play with the delightful little girl next door. We love her family.” Same-gender play is a trusted orbit for the growth of preschool friendships, no matter a parent’s wishes. This is temporary, as we all know.

Personality traits. Shy kids gravitate toward other shy kids, happy kids toward the happy, the rough and tumble toward the rough and tumble. Exceptions prove the rule, but when friendships are just forming, like-mindedness is more comfortable and trustworthy than contrariness. Successful friendships are, not surprisingly, based on cooperation and kindness, things parents value and can shape and model.

Parents cannot count on this age group giving much consideration to how their young friends might see them as friends. That requires the social understanding that other people have their own minds and can use them to choose friends accordingly. That arrives later in the kindergarten brain with its own consequences. For now, preschoolers like other preschoolers who like what they like.

Friendship management

What’s a parent to do to help?

Support the choices your child makes from the orbits in which they circle regularly. Playdates can help, but by themselves they do not create friendships. Keep your eyes and ears open at preschool pick-up and drop-off, and make use of the teacher’s observations about the playmates your child chooses at school.

Level of parental involvement

Early friendships can be wonderful to watch, but they are rarely flawless. Conflict inevitably emerges and parents must consider when to step in. Gentle, minimal social skill teaching or coaching usually works with children who want to keep playing together.

It can be hard to bite your tongue while they clumsily hurt each other’s feelings, seemingly dooming any path to resolution. If you solve the problem, play may resume, but a teachable moment is missed. Indirect interventions such as strategic suggestions about turn-taking—which they implement, not you—will strengthen their belief that they can work things out. And that is the secret sauce of friendship.

Sam’s dad’s answer? “Sometimes.”