Summer: A Perfect Storm for Overparenting

On a fine late spring day, Sam’s grandmother suggested a walk with her daughter. Sam was in school, and his little sister was at the library with her aunt.

“Okay, so what’s up, mom?” Sam’s mom said, sensing an agenda.

“I’ve noticed lately that you’re finishing more of Sam’s chores than he is, and he’s getting lazy as a result.”

Sam’s mom fired back: “If I don’t, he’ll never accomplish anything, Mom. We are too busy this time of year. I just don’t have the time to let him finish.”

We’ve all been there. The near chaos of countless obligations—end-of-school gatherings, athletic events, parent-teacher appreciations, spring cleanings, summer camp prep, vacation planning—can put seismic pressure on our parenting habits. That pressure can morph into micromanaging our children’s behavior to keep them on the track we prefer, which is, typically, the shortest distance between two points. That leaves little time or space for kids to learn useful stuff on their own along the way.

Most of us know intuitively that overhelping a child who is learning so much for the first time isn’t the best path to their eventual self-sufficiency. Toggle that to our default tendency to protect them from any conceivable harm, and sure enough, we are doing more for them than we should if we want them to eventually handle themselves in the world beyond us.

Recent research offers this advice: framing any task (getting dressed, feeding a pet) as a learning opportunity, rather than a box to be checked, cuts parent involvement in that task, allowing autonomy to bud (an “I did it myself” moment). Researchers compared two groups of preschoolers who were invited to try on appropriately sized hockey gear (two shin guards and a chest protector). Parents were assured the task was age-appropriate and doable. Half the group was told the task’s purpose was to create enthusiasm for hockey, while the other half was told its purpose was a “big learning opportunity” in which children could learn key skills from this novel dress-up event.

The result: Parents in the second group intervened half as often to help. Sounds promising, doesn’t it? Cutting the nudging by 50 percent is a win-win. The researchers concluded that framing any task as learning can significantly reduce overparenting, which in turn boosts children’s persistence and independence.

Here are some actionable steps parents can take to reduce their overinvolvement and plant the seeds of grit in their children:

• Give responsibility to your young child in the form of tasks they can master (putting dirty clothes in the hamper, feeding a pet, helping at the grocery store). Then don’t hover. Accept partial success on the way to that “I did it myself” moment. This takes patience and the occasional deep breath (counting to 10 helps, too), but it’s money in the bank for their eventual independence.
• Soften the critique. Practice some tongue-biting as your child absorbs the idea that you mean it, and that learning how to do new stuff is the point, not being a slave to compliance just to earn a “good boy/girl.” Try instead, “That was not easy, and you stuck with it.” This approach works wonders for developing self-confidence.
• Comfort zones have their place, but they’re not especially effective drivers of the learning bus. Manageable worry about new stuff is universal in the domain of learning, and getting used to it smooths out speed bumps.

As the saying goes, you can have too much of a good thing, and parent involvement is no exception. Sometimes the best way to help your child grow is to take a step back. Short-term efficiency may take a hit, but the long-term dividends for parents and children alike are more than worth it.