Joan Cusack Handler Ph.D.
The task of opening up to one’s emotions is not finished when we’re able to identify what we feel. The next step will be to explore those feelings and hopefully connect them to their antecedents. What event, circumstance or person could be triggering this feeling? This will lead us logically to a list of stressors in our life. Finally, we will be studying specific feelings disguised as others that left undiscovered keep us from having a satisfying life.
By way of background, life generates stress, and stress generates feelings: stress related to good events (i.e. a new relationship, a pregnancy, promotion, passion etc.) and stress that stems from negative events (overwork, problems with one’s partner or children, illness, pain-emotional or physical, grief). The lists of both are long (hopefully yours represent a balance). In any case, stress saps our energy and catapults us into a fight or flight response. These heightened states put excess strain on the body which results in a depleted emotional state. We become vulnerable to physical illness and emotional distress. Hence the importance of identifying these stressors and the feelings they’re triggering in us (It goes without saying that we do well to try to reduce the stress in our lives. Pressure or exertion needs to be balanced with periods of low activity—sleep, quiet, peace, relaxation, reading, listening to music, spending time with friends, going on dates with one’s partner, etc.). Focus on pastimes that make you feel good and energize you).
For our purposes, we’re concerned with two sets of feelings (the technical terms are conscious and unconscious): the unconscious residing beneath the conscious. We’ve dealt already with our conscious feelings – those we’re aware of feeling; our next step is to identify the deeper emotion it’s covering (Admittedly, it’s difficult to accept that we have feelings we don’t know about. Though your impulse may be to dismiss it, try to follow this train of thought and see if what I’m saying is worthy of further consideration).
We all have emotions/feelings we don’t approve of or trust and/or are afraid of which stem from memories, secrets, impulses that with the help of psychological defenses, we protect ourselves from knowing. There are many – anger, terror, hurt, greed, envy, jealousy, dishonesty, a wish to cheat on one’s partner etc. It’s important to know which of these applies to us, so that we can hopefully come to recognize parts of ourselves - traits and impulses – we’ve until now kept buried. These provide the key to resolution and change. This is critical work, takes time and can be a painful process. We need to have patience with ourselves at the same time that we continue to pursue answers. We want so much to be our idealized self, we’re likely to be very reluctant to accept anything that challenges that. But until we do, we’re paralyzed to effect change.
Anger, a common example, can often be a cover for an array of painful feelings—a sense of dejection, failure, abandonment, sadness, depression, to name a few, and hurt which is perhaps the most common. (Keep in mind that what we say or recommend with hurt, is also applicable to the other feelings listed). It’s so much easier to feel angry with someone than to admit to feeling hurt by them. Anger feels strong, powerful, in charge, perhaps vindicated, in control (until it reaches its upper limits and threatens to result in destructive behavior). Hurt, on the other hand, admits vulnerability and a sense of diminished power and worth next to the other. While anger encourages confidence; hurt tends to make us doubt ourselves. When exploring your anger, ask yourself if it might be hurt (or any of the aforementioned emotions) that is the truer, deeper feeling. Once again, try to push beyond the resistance. We’ve protected ourselves for a long time (could be a lifetime!) from knowing that our anger disguises hurt, we will not likely admit to it on the first try. Keep in mind that until that critical reality is uncovered, limited change is possible.
There are several potential dangers in such cases, not the least of which is that the heightened state of anger will continue to wreak havoc on one’s body and psyche (and one’s soul!) and the current situation or relationship with the other will remain as is—or deteriorate further. Considering those losses, hurt that is recognized and admitted to the self not only reduces the stress of keeping it from awareness but also brings the possibility of working through the troubling incident/situation/relationship and eventually perhaps even eliminating the hurt. As long as hurt wears the cloak of anger, resolution and relief are improbable. We are powerless and locked emotionally.
The reverse pattern can be found in some cases of depression; namely that depression is as Dr. Freud said, anger turned against the self. In this case admitting to anger or accessing it feels threatening. Anger might be one of those forbidden feelings for us (for many of us! particularly the religious or those concerned with good manners and propriety). Alternatively, perhaps we believe we have no right to anger—as sometimes happens when a loved one becomes seriously ill or dies. (Contrary to common belief, It is natural to feel angry with the deceased person for leaving us, but that level of self-concern is often more unacceptable to us than the abyss of depression. That said, there are many physiological reasons for the onset of depression. See Coda). Interestingly enough, in the final analysis, the unconscious anger may be significantly less painful than the feeling that covers it. This is particularly true with depression and anxiety.
Apart from its role as a side effect of depression, lack of interest or energy (often viewed by us and the world as laziness) can also disguise a feeling of self-doubt: the belief that one isn’t capable of success in a particular area—be it interpersonal, personal, or professional. It also may signal a dislike or disinterest in one’s surroundings, activities or work.
Anxiety signals impending danger. It’s a response of the central nervous system to perceived threat—illness, possible loss of a job or spouse/family member/friend etc., or unconscious threat – a memory might be making its way into consciousness; a forbidden feeling or thought may be lurking; one’s performance may be subject to scrutiny.
Like depression (see CODA), anxiety is accompanied by significant physical discomfort (rapid heartbeat, stomach discomfort, sweating, hyperventilating) at times accelerating into what are known as anxiety ‘attacks’. These can be very frightening –people often feel like they’re having a heart attack—and require medical intervention. Medication and psychotherapy are recommended to identify the underlying problem.
Contrary to what one is aware of feeling in all of these cases, the strongest antidote is admitting to the underlying feeling. Allow oneself to confront the real reason for our distress for it is only in facing it can one achieve lasting relief/resolution. None of the above feelings lighten our burden—conscious or unconscious; they are all painful and resist change because they are not the triggering feeling but rather a substitute. The only way to achieve emotional relief is to identify the root cause and begin to work on that.
CODA: Depression often results from a hormonal imbalance—post-partum, grief, illness, excess stress as well as that associated with an underactive thyroid gland. Since depression is also a physical state that deprives the body of chemicals required to maintain a mood balance, it usually requires medical and/or psychological oversight and medication (to restore to the body the depleted chemicals). It’s important to note here a few words about antidepressants. These are not ‘happy’ pills as some may think nor are they tranquilizers (though they may have a mild relaxing effect). Properly prescribed, they give back to the body what it’s been depleted of due to stress. Critical to keep in mind is the fact that medical attention is required if depression deepens. Symptoms of depression include sleeplessness or excessive sleeping, decreased appetite or overeating, sluggishness, sadness, feelings of hopelessness, a lack of interest in work and or family/friends, thoughts of hurting oneself or another). These are NOT the person’s fault nor can they be reversed as an act of will or effort by him/her. It is a serious illness and needs to be treated as such.
In our next post, we’ll discuss the importance of choosing the right person to confide in.
Thanks for listening. Let me know what you think &/or feel.
Joan
