Self-Compassion Practice for Parents of Autistic Children

Self-Compassion Practice for Parents of Autistic Children

Source: Illustration by Bozena Zawisz

Many parents find that raising an autistic child is an incredible privilege, bringing about increased family closeness, personal growth, and expanded social networks. However, research shows that parents of autistic children also experience higher levels of anxiety, depression, and stress compared to parents of children with other developmental needs. This stress can negatively affect their health, marriages, and interactions with their children.

While it is well known that caring for autistic children can lead to increased stress, there is still much to learn about the factors that influence or reduce this stress.

Over the past decade, mindfulness practices have garnered increasing attention for their ability to significantly reduce parental stress. Within this field, self-compassion has proven particularly effective in alleviating stress for parents of autistic children. Rooted in Buddhist psychology, self-compassion is an evidence-based approach to mental health that involves being kind to oneself during emotionally challenging times and acknowledging the shared nature of human suffering, as well as being aware of one's negative thoughts and emotions. Think of it as giving yourself the same kindness and understanding you'd offer a dear friend who's going through a tough time.

In 2015, Neff and Faso conducted a pioneering study with 51 parents of autistic children, discovering a significant positive association between self-compassion and well-being. They found that self-compassion was inversely related to stress and depression, suggesting that how parents relate to themselves can be more crucial to their experience of stress and well-being than the severity of their child's symptoms. This finding has since been supported by numerous studies, confirming that self-compassion is an effective stress-reduction technique for parents of autistic children.

Implementing Self-Compassion Into Our Lives

How can parents practically implement self-compassion in their lives? Kristen Neff, the leading theorist in the field of self-compassion, suggests many strategies.

• A helpful first step is to notice those moments when you're experiencing a challenging inner experience. Specifically, pay attention to whether there's a part of you judging your experience as not OK or berating yourself for not coping better, feeling like you “should” be more positive. Recognize the barrier between yourself and inner compassion (consider whether there are influences like past relationships or social media that affect how accepting you are of your inner experience).
• The next step is to let your feelings exist without hiding from them or trying to push them away. This doesn't mean wallowing in them, but neither does it mean using up significant energy to resist them.
• Imagine how you would respond to a friend or a child if they were feeling the same way you are. What words of encouragement, support, and comfort would you offer them? Offer those same words to yourself.
• Remind yourself that your experience is part of the broader human condition and is likely shared by many others. This can help you feel less isolated and critical toward it.
• Finally, consider a practical gesture that communicates support and kindness. For me, it's making myself a cup of tea, which represents a gesture of nurture and care. A popular strategy among meditation teachers is placing your hand on your heart and imagining sending a warm rush of caring energy. What color or scent would that be for you? This physical touch can help to release oxytocin, the "feel-good" hormone, and be accompanied by acknowledging your moment of unease or suffering while reminding yourself to offer kindness.

For parents who enjoy journalling, the above exercise can be transformed into a letter-writing one, where you are work through these steps with pen and paper, and compose for yourself a message of understanding, support, and encouragement.

I believe that over time, research will uncover even more benefits of self-compassion for parents of autistic children. One such benefit could be a greater sense of parental acceptance. Considering that self-compassion involves directing kindness and understanding toward oneself (instead of judgment and criticism), parental acceptance implies extending that understanding and acceptance toward the child.

So far, research has shown self-compassion to effectively reduce the negative impact of affiliate stigma—the judgment associated with being a parent of an autistic child—on parental psychological distress. This is especially important given that judgment due to unhelpful comparisons with typically developing individuals and limited understanding of autism is a common experience for autistic individuals and their caregivers.

There is so much to gain from promoting, practicing, and modeling self-compassion within families with autistic children. Incorporating self-compassion practices into daily life not only helps parents better manage stress and supports their well-being but can also potentially protect caregivers from the impact of negative social perceptions, potentially promoting a more accepting and nurturing environment for autistic children in society.