Are we compatible?

Source: 'Long Truong/Unsplash', used with permission

Imagine you have an infinite amount of time and an inexhaustible amount of money with which to search for an ideal partner. Where would you begin your search? And what would you look for in a partner, and why?

Of course, no one has an infinite amount of time, and few, if any of us, have inexhaustible resources. Without question, we conduct our search with limitations or restrictions. Notwithstanding these, wouldn't most of us agree our biggest obstacle is the lack of a precise definition of an ideal partner, or more realistically, a compatible, good-fit partner? What would that person even look like? Which specific qualities would make the best for you?

A Radius of Convenience

Because of these hurdles, compatibility can easily be confused with convenience. Potential partners get a significant uptick in their appeal solely by how convenient they are to date—or their "geographic desirability." It's common for us to conduct our search within a range that is not overly demanding or depleting of our time or resources—a radius of convenience, as it were. It can be said that we find our lifelong partners largely by convenience: They work with us, attend the same school, have the same social or religious affiliations, or, simply, roll with the same bunch of buddies.

Does Compatibility Matter?

The pursuit of partner compatibility, however it might be defined, is an expected social norm. At least in theory, who wouldn't want a compatible companion? Besides, who knowingly searches for someone they're not compatible with? But again, what does compatibility consist of? Which shared traits and qualities best serve the vital long-term purposes of relationship satisfaction and stability? These questions are not easy to answer.

In fact, when deeply and conscientiously examined, they can be mind-numbingly complicated, even seemingly impossible to answer accurately and completely. Nevertheless, in one way or another, we answer them by the choices we make about who we pursue and who we date. But what are the consequences of leaving these questions incompletely answered, or not answered at all? Because of their difficulty, do we ignore them, or render them inconsequential or moot? What then?

A Matter of Timing

What about our timing? Most often, we make judgments about having common traits, qualities, and shared interests at a time when we least know our partners—that is, during the initial, or romantic phase of a relationship. Can these initial judgments always be trusted? Are they enduring? Can they be counted upon to ensure the ongoing health and happiness of our closest, and arguably, most complicated but fulfilling relationship? And why do so many presumed partner compatibilities eventually convert to irreconcilable differences when partners break up?

As strongly hinted above, maybe partner compatibility is illusory. It may be nothing more than a romanticized holy grail that doesn't exist except in our collective consciousness as a mythological guide for finding the "right partner," and then, once found, a mysterious glue for keeping us together. Is the search for an ideal partner a bamboozling, pie-in-the-sky expectation, or fantasy?

Chemistry: The Unknown Known

The first time I heard my soon-to-be-wife laugh, it awoke a deep and personally "primordial" feeling in me; a very discernable echoing of a distant, emotional experience that was warmly familiar, and engaging. I suddenly felt as though I had been returned to the company of a loved one. The sound of her laugh had tapped into my earliest experiences, the ones that had formed a template, a standard that, for me, laughter, and the closeness it can bring, ideally ought to be.

Naturally, I felt other, equally strong "chemical reactions" to my wife. I found her physical charms compelling, but just as compelling was the obvious care she'd taken to groom herself and dress the way she did (and still does). The words she chose to frame her thinking about the world and the people in it—her worldview—also drew me to her. The spark ignited, the chemistry worked, and I fell in love. But was it chemistry or compatibility?

What's known to neuroscience is that the romantically smitten show activation of several relevant hormonal systems including the dopamine-charged endogenous reward system of the brain. What's not so known: Why romantic partners are attracted to a particular set of traits over others.

The Science of Compatibility

Research on compatibility has consistently yielded mixed results as to how it contributes to partner satisfaction and relationship longevity, as observed by the research team of Chopik and Lucas of Michigan State University. This may come as a relief to those who would otherwise overly burden themselves with finding the right partner.

More relief: A longitudinal study conducted at the University of Texas by Ted Hudson found that operationally defined measures of compatibility did not predict couple happiness or unhappiness. Even the couples themselves observed that compatibility didn't make their relationships successful. Instead, it was what they did, and the decisions they made within their relationships that mattered. Hudson pointed out that those few couples who described themselves as incompatible really meant, "They didn't know how to get along."

A Benign Confusion

As suggested in Hudson's work, might getting along with our partners be confused with, or even equate to partner compatibility? Does the perception of compatibility promote or nurture getting along with our partner, or vice versa? Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Perhaps to the extent we are harmonious, we may assume we are compatible—and if we're not, we aren't. Is it as simple as this?

Getting along and perceived compatibility may be the twin bedfellows seeding and keeping alive the myth of compatibility and its importance in our decision-making about finding the right person. Maybe what we should look for are the compatibility-breeding capacities for getting along with each other. But then again, what are the exact "mechanics" for getting along?

Given all of this, what do you look for in a partner, and why?