Verified by 
Key points
- Personal anxieties about how interpersonal skills reflect on job performance may make negative interactions worse.
- Separating our needs from the emotional response to a situation can help us take action.
- Gaining distance from an interaction, even for a short time, can help us communicate more effectively.
Bad interactions with people are a key source of pressure in the workplace, particularly because that pressure often builds over time in small interactions. By the time you recognize the pressure has built up, you’re so frustrated you may overreact. Or, you may catch your overreaction in time, only suppressing your anger further. In either case, the pressure usually only gets worse. When you look back on your week, you can probably think of more than one interaction you wish had been handled a little differently.
What’s distressing for so many people at work is that pressure can be multiplied by our understanding of just how important interacting with others is. If our interpersonal skills are lacking, our careers may suffer. That is especially true for managers and supervisors, who must continually interact with others as a primary responsibility of their jobs.
The constant interaction can feel overwhelming. Anxiety can lead to bad interpersonal interactions, which can create more pressure. That pressure can lead to irritability, increasing the likelihood of bad interpersonal interactions, or avoidance of them altogether. Of course, avoidance only delays the inevitable.
So, what can you do to alleviate the pressure? You cannot make your colleagues any easier to interact with. The only person you can control or change is you. These are four ways you can take action the next time you are in the midst of a pressured workplace interaction.
1. Separate the emotional hook from the problem
When you are dealing with other people, separating the emotional hook from the problem can take some extra effort. We may be navigating not just the problem at hand, but negative feelings left over from the last time we had a bad interaction with this person.
For example, say in the midst of a meeting you need to ask a frequent collaborator for further guidance on a new project. In the past, this person has been routinely critical of your performance and you don’t want them to speculate as to whether you’re up to the task or good at your job. At first, it may seem the only solution is fixing your colleague’s bad attitude, and that’s impossible.
But consider that you cannot actually predict the future. You may be able to make educated guesses, but there is no way to know for sure how your colleague will react if you ask them for help. Part of the avoidance in this situation may be less about our harsh colleague and more about our own fear of appearing or feeling inadequate.
Start by taking a step back and examine how your own emotions are contributing to the issue or even making it worse.
2. Recognize what you need from the other person
The next step is to clarify whether you can get what you need from further interaction with the other person.
Going back to our example, exactly what type of guidance do you need on this new project? Do you need samples of past work product to study? Do you need more specific guidelines or specifications? Do you need a clearer end-goal? Do you need a basic list of steps to take? Do you need help prioritizing which steps to take?
Once you know what you need from this person, be clear and specific about asking for it. This is a surefire way to get your needs met and avoid conflict, now and in the future. If you do not speak up, it is very unlikely you will get what you need—your colleagues aren’t mind-readers!
3. Make an attempt to empathize
One way to make stressful interactions less tense and more productive is to empathize. If you predict someone will react to you with conflict or hostility, recognize that this reaction likely has nothing to do with you. Consider what other factors might be affecting why that person would respond that way.
Try providing the answer to this question in the other person’s own words. This can give you a better sense of where they are coming from and give you valuable information regarding what you can contribute to the interaction to further defuse it.
4. Take some distance to consider your thoughts
Sometimes, a conversation is already too heated to take any of the above steps effectively. In these situations, it’s best for you and the other person if you take a break, even if it’s only five minutes. It can be as simple as saying, “Sorry, I need to gather my thoughts. Can we take a five-minute pause?”
Go somewhere private, take a few deep breaths, and use whatever way is convenient to write down your thoughts: pen and paper, email, the notes app on your phone. Use the break time to write out your thoughts, your needs, whatever it is you are struggling to communicate in this interaction. Then, review those thoughts mindfully and objectively.
Ask yourself, “Is this pertinent to the situation at hand? Could this wait for another time? Is this exactly what I mean? Is this communicating something that I don’t intend?”
The biggest thing to keep in mind is this: solving the problem is always more important than winning. “Winning” might feel vindicating and powerful in the moment, but it quickly fades. Your ability to work with others and do great work will be a lasting reputation with future benefits. And remember, you will likely have to deal with this person again on another project.
