Why People With BPD or NPD Do Not Apologize

Many families spend painful hours engaging in avoidable conflict trying to convince family members with symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to apologize for an undesirable event or outcome. The results of expending the effort and enduring the conflict are rarely satisfactory. Focusing your efforts on preventing unwanted outcomes will be less conflictual and more constructive.

Healthy individuals apologize when they believe they have done something wrong. They express contrition directly and convey that they wish they had not done what they are apologizing for. A sincere apology includes a commitment to put in effort to not repeat the error. The most important outcome of a sincere apology is a change in behavior that reduces the chance that the unwanted behavior will occur again. Individuals with symptoms of BPD and NPD resist apologizing to others. It is very common for them to either argue with you, if you attempt to get them to apologize, or offer an ingenuine apology, without changing future behavior. In most circumstances, these individuals will feel more comfortable discussing behavior change than apology and more likely to put effort into changing their behavior.

BPD and Apology

Individuals with symptoms of BPD experience pain when they apologize. They often experience apology as an admission of weakness or defect. The tendency for individuals with symptoms of BPD to idealize and devalue others causes them to devalue themselves as well if they acknowledge making an error. Because of this, when they apologize, they experience the admission of fault as a self-condemnation. This causes them substantial pain and hence is avoided at all costs. Pursuing an apology is likely to bring defensiveness, often in the form of blame shifting. Here is a typical exchange between a high school senior and his mother, who has symptoms of BPD.

Carl: Mom, I was taking out the garbage and found this letter addressed to me unopened.

Mom: You must have thrown it out by accident.

Carl: No. I have been waiting for this letter.

Mom: I don’t know how it got in the trash.

Carl: You get the mail every day when you get home from work. Nobody else lives here.

Mom: I am not responsible for your mail.

Carl: You are the only one who could have put it in the garbage.

Mom: You are an ungrateful child.

Carl is trying to hold his mother responsible for his mail ending up in the trash. She refuses to own it. Continuing this conversation will only make his mother feel worse and increase conflict. Focusing on behavior change, Carl has many more constructive options. Here are some examples.

• Carl: Mom, I placed a shoebox by the front door. Would you mind dropping my mail in as soon as you get the mail each day?
• Carl: Do you mind if I get my own mail out of the mailbox from now on?

NPD and Apology

Individuals with symptoms of NPD have little or no empathy, which prevents them from feeling contrition, other than when the negative impact of their action or failure to act is on them. Apologies offered from this group often lack authenticity. A common example is “I am sorry if that hurts you.” The lack of contrition obviates the motivation to make behavior changes. Following is a typical example.

Ben: Dad, you embarrassed me by telling my friends that you spent a night in jail when you were in high school.

Dad: If anyone should be embarrassed, it should be me. I was the one who was arrested.

Ben: My friends think less of me.

Dad: I am sorry you have the kind of friends that judge you this way.

Ben: You should be sorry that you have humiliated me in front of my friends.

Dad: I am sorry that you don’t have a thicker skin.

Ben is trying to get his father to acknowledge that he made an error telling Ben’s friends about his arrest when he was in college, but his father does not see it as an error. His father’s grandiosity, as part of his symptoms of narcissism, prevent him from seeing anything he does as an error. Ben is unlikely to achieve his goal of getting a sincere apology from his father no matter how much he argues. He might be able to get his father to stop sharing his college experience with his friends if he asks his father in a constructive format. It might sound something like this:

Ben: Dad, I would really appreciate your not sharing your college arrest with my friends in the future. I prefer my friends focus on your victories and achievements in your life, rather than your errors. I want them to respect you the way I do.

Healthy individuals readily apologize when they make an error as it strengthens relationships by taking appropriate responsibility for unwanted outcomes. Individuals with significant symptoms of personality disorder struggle to apologize, but are likely to comply with desirable behavior change that reduces the unwanted outcomes in the future.

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The value of a verbal apology is lost if you need to argue to achieve it. It is an effort to have someone validate that you were wronged by them, or that you are a victim. Many Individuals with symptoms of personality disorder will invalidate you and make you feel worse. When dealing with these individuals, the best outcome that can be achieved is a change of behavior that reduces the chances that this type of error will recur. You don’t need others to validate that you were negatively impacted by their behaviors. It is healthier to validate yourself. You will have more success with these individuals focusing on behavioral changes that improve your relationship with them and will do well to focus on these efforts rather than chasing an apology that you don‘t need and won’t get.