Parental Abuse of Adult Children

Sometimes leaving is the only option.

Source: Mabel Amber/Pixabay

Child abuse usually begins during childhood, but it might continue into the adulthood of the child if it is enabled or tolerated. Allowing other people to hurt you, even your parent, is extremely unhealthy and damaging to your sense of well-being and your self-esteem. If unchecked, it can encourage the development of mental illness and cause impairment in daily functioning. Achieving an optimal sense of wellness requires that you stop the abuse immediately. You should try all possible strategies to end the abuse while preserving the relationship, but if all else fails, you must employ the last option: You must set the ultimate boundary and discontinue contact.

Most parents nurture their children while being loving and supportive. They loathe the thought that they might hurt their child, and they will do everything they can not to. A relatively small, but significant, number of parents abuse their children and will continue doing so throughout their child’s lifetime if they are not stopped.

Forms of Adult Child Abuse

The abuse of adult children often takes a different form than child abuse. Physical aggression is not completely absent but becomes less common as the child becomes more capable of resisting. Punishment becomes less viable as the child becomes increasingly self-reliant. Verbal lashing out often continues, if tolerated. Following are some other common forms of parental adult child abuse.

• Lying: This often occurs either to avoid taking responsibility for unwanted outcomes (blame-shifting) or to manipulate the child into doing something they would otherwise not do. It is a form of betrayal.
• Gaslighting: This occurs when the parent lies to the child and then makes the child believe that he/she is either crazy, stupid, or wrong for believing the truth.
• Rejection/mistreatment of partner, children, friends, or associates: This occurs when the parent refuses to acknowledge or honor their child’s choice of partner, spouse, or friends, or their child or children.
• Polarization of family and friends: This occurs when the parent attempts to mobilize some family members against others for the purpose of dividing the family. This is destructive not just to the child but to the family as a whole.
• Sabotage of work or social life: This is where the parent attempts to interfere with their child’s vocational or social pursuits. An extreme example is when a parent interferes with their child’s job by badmouthing them to a boss or prospective employer. It may also take the form of the parent posting negative information about their child anonymously on the internet. Sabotage of social endeavors can take the form of saying negative things about their child in front of their friends or lovers. It can also take the form of interfering with the child’s functioning by demanding the child’s attention while the child is working. This often takes the form of a parent creating “urgent” situations that require the child to stop what they are doing. This can include anything from a parent locking themselves out of their home or car to a feigned medical crisis.
• Alienation: This very damaging form of abuse occurs when the parent attempts to destroy their child’s relationship with a loved one, often because the parent is competing for their child’s attention. In extreme cases, this can break up marriages or damage the child’s relationship with his/her child.

Parents can be demanding or annoying at times without being abusive. But if your parent engages in any of the forms of abuse described above, you and your family are being compromised. This will not improve without decisive action.

In order to be effective in getting relief from your parents’ abuse, you must in some form set a boundary. You must make it clear that this behavior will no longer be tolerated. There are many different ways to do this, including through direct discourse and with the assistance of a professional family therapist or mediator. You should make all efforts to let your parent know that this behavior will not be allowed to continue.

Some parents are either unable or unwilling to discontinue their abusive behavior. For some, this unwillingness may be connected with compromised impulse control associated with substance abuse or mental illness. For others, it is because they refuse to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with their behavior, despite your protests and explanations. If your parent won’t or can’t stop their abusive behavior, despite your exhaustive efforts, you are left with only one option: You have to discontinue all contact until they find a way to comply. Or maybe forever. That will be up to them.

Be Prepared to Go It Alone

Most people who did not grow up with an abusive parent will not understand the need for such a firm boundary. Much of our culture believes that the parent-child relationship is sacred and that children should never turn their back on their parents. These people do not have the experience base to understand a parent who persistently hurts their child. They will not be able to support your efforts to protect yourself, your family, and your wellness as you seek to heal and grow.

You will have more success seeking support from others who have grown up with abusive parents. Support groups can be found through your local psychological association or NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness). Local hospital-based or clinic-based groups may also be available in your area.

A parent who loves you will seek effective rehabilitation and show a willingness to resurrect a relationship with you that honors healthy boundaries. You should be open to this, but it is up to them. If they do not pursue such a solution, you must be prepared to move on. It is not psychologically healthy to allow others to abuse you or your loved ones. In order to be healthy, you must live healthy. Everyone is entitled to this option.