Is Your Partner Keeping Score in Your Relationship?

When we experience lies, betrayal, or other relationship transgressions, we tend to see ourselves as the one being wronged (i.e., the “victim”) and the person who hurt us as the wrongdoer (i.e., the “offender”). But the person who wronged you may not see things so black and white.

In fact, it might seem like they are doing all that they can to suggest that it was your actions that partly led to the situation, and that their actions were a reasonable consequence of your rocky relationship history. In other words, they appear to be keeping score in your relationship—dredging up things from the past in order to contextualize (and justify) their actions. Sound familiar?

Relationships evolve over time, so what happened in the past is certainly relevant to understanding where we are now. However, in the heat of the moment, your partner is probably not focused on formulating an objective history of your relationship. Rather, recalling past harms reflects their attempt to grapple with the emotional toll and meaning of the offense (just like you are). But that doesn’t mean it is particularly healthy.

Let’s look at the psychology underpinning an offender’s tendency to analyse your relationship history.

What are our offending relationship partners looking for?

Your relationship partner is likely to feel bad about themselves when confronted with evidence of a relationship transgression—and rightly so! However, ruminating on one’s guilt and shame can fester over time. In the aftermath of a wrongdoing, offenders feel a strong need to restore their sense of moral self, which they believe is necessary to move on from their indiscretion and reach a point of self-forgiveness (Woodyatt & Wenzel, 2014).

There is often internal conflict within our offending relationship partner.

Source: Alex Green/Pexels

Something needs to give to alleviate that discomfort. The victim might choose to forgive the offender for their actions, validating the offending partner as good and protecting their sense of self-worth. The offender can also take action themselves. For example, they may seek to reaffirm their integrity by apologizing: stating explicitly that their poor actions are not representative of their true self and feelings for their partner. Unfortunately, apologizing can be difficult, so prideful offenders may avoid admitting fault and instead alleviate their guilt by refusing to apologize, downplaying the wrongfulness of their actions to alleviate their feelings of culpability.

However, often the simplest way to alleviate negative feelings when we have hurt someone is to minimize, justify, or excuse our actions entirely. Indeed, this is what organizations often do to avoid pubic outcry (often quite effectively), skirting or reframing the public narrative rather than accepting responsibility and accountability for unethical behavior. In relationship contexts, research shows that alleviating guilt through pseudo-self-forgiveness (i.e., letting oneself off the hook) is not particularly effective in promoting wellbeing in either victims or offenders (Woodyatt & Wenzel, 2013); however, it may help to assuage those immediate feelings of negativity.

Offenders exonerate themselves by reflecting on past harms

Recalling the past to justify one’s own relationship transgression is a form of victim blaming. As with other, more serious forms of victim blaming, it helps the offender make sense of an act that may be otherwise incomprehensible: I’m a good person, so why would I intentionally hurt my partner?

Dredging up past transgressions helps to reconcile our positive self-image with our harmful actions: I’m still a good person; all I’ve done is even the score.

Most people have done this at some level. Just last week I was getting ready to take my daughter to soccer practice—and pretended not to notice the pile of dirty dishes (which is one of my agreed household duties). All my wife needed to do is give me a “huff” to call me on it. I got caught avoiding the chore, so my identity as a good contributing partner was under threat. My immediate instinct was to justify my shirking: “But I’ve done it the last three nights.” “But you left your dishes from lunch yesterday.” Fortunately, I thought better of it, and just got on with the dishes.

That same inclination can emerge when the transgression is more serious. An offending relationship partner might try to justify financial abuse by pointing out their partner’s shopping habit; or they might try to excuse their infidelity by blaming a lack of romantic attention. These are not equivalent harms—but remember equity is not the goal, reducing blame is.

Put simply, they may be trying to delude themselves just as much as they are trying to convince you.

The consequences of pointing at the scoreboard

Although keeping score in a relationship may be functional for offenders to avoid feelings of negativity, our research shows that it undermines conflict resolution and potentially jeapordizes your relationship.

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In recent research with Michael Thai and colleagues (Thai et al., 2024), we conducted four studies (total of 1037 respondents) examining the relational consequences that follow when offending relationship partners recall the past to justify their transgressions. Studies 1-2 asked participants to report their feelings about real transgressions they committed against their current romantic partner, and whether they had thought about their partner’s past wrongdoings during the conflict. Studies 3-4 used role-playing scenarios asking participants to imagine committing an indiscretion against their partner, and experimentally tested whether asking them to recall past victimizations (or not) would change their responses.

Across all four studies, we found that recollections of past victimization led offending relationship partners to see themselves as more of a victim (and less of an offender). In other words, recalling the past helped offenders blur the lines between offender and victim roles. Moreover, this led to greater pseudo self-forgiveness, reduced feelings of guilt, less empathy for their partner, and less willingness to reconcile.

Is your partner justifying their misdeeds by recalling yours?

Source: Alex Green/Pexels

Focus on the future to recover what was lost in the past

History can provide useful context; but using it to play the blame game can make things worse. The problem with evoking past (particularly irrelevant) offenses is that most couples will disagree on the “truth” of that history. How someone feels in a relationship is subjective, often biased in hindsight, and feelings are not often communicated clearly to their partner. Although we try not to sweat the small stuff, sometimes repressed frustration floods back when we are defending our moral standing.

Instead, couples may find it more productive to focus on the future. In situations where relationships are the priority, research shows that constructive co-reflection—working toward a shared understanding and meaning—is more effective than brooding over one’s own perspective (Wenzel et al., 2023). Couples are also more likely to reach forgiveness if they work to reaffirm the values on which their relationship is based, attempting to find agreement on what is required for a shared future together (Wenzel et al., 2021).

For a defensive offender, this forward orientation focuses attention on what they can do to show that they are indeed a good relationship partner, rather than taking account of relationship failures. After all, keeping score is only useful when you are in a competition.