Why Your Brain Sabotages Holiday Joy (and How to Stop It)

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Turn on the TV or eavesdrop on the plans of others and we are led to believe that the “holidays” are truly the most wonderful time of the year. But is this perception accurate? Holiday preparations are often meticulously planned and choreographed down to the slightest detail with the dream that everything goes perfectly. We cross our fingers, believing that the relatives won't argue, children will properly behave, and we will be showered with gratuitous compliments applauding the hospitality. But, before you know it, the celebration is over and we are sometimes left with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and even depression because the “holidays” have massive expectations that often go unmet.

The human brain is remarkably adept at prediction, particularly when it comes to the anticipation of pleasure and contentment, like what we hope to experience during the holidays. Understanding how these expectations shape our perceptions—and learning to manage them—can be the difference between a fulfilling holiday and a post-holiday crash leading to massive disappointment and plummeting motivation.

The science of expectation vs. reality

In my forthcoming book, The Paradox of Passion, I explain why, at its core, the brain operates using a reward prediction system (Hoffman, 2025). Sometimes we correctly predict what we will experience, other times not. When reality exceeds our expectations, synthesis of the neuromodulator dopamine surges creating positive associations between the expectation and the evaluation of what actually happened. Conversely, when experiences fall short of anticipation, a “reward prediction error” results, triggering negative emotions, which often lead to apathy or stagnation, killing our motivation. This neurological process explains why identical holiday experiences can elicit vastly different reactions from different individuals—it's not the absolute quality of the experience that matters, but how it measures against our internal benchmark.

Why holiday expectations often miss the mark

Two factors primarily contribute to inflated holiday expectations: First, the glamourized portrayal of celebrations by those who contribute to social media combined with nostalgic memories of the past. Remember, media portrayals of experiences have one purpose, to attract “eyeballs” that result in either enhanced status for the creator (i.e., likes) or more money for the sponsor based on clicks. In other words, the reality or accuracy of what is amplified is inconsequential.

Second, the way our brain and memory system work, we tend to recall previous experiences and reframe them in a more positive light over time. The less-satisfying aspects of the prior experience are repressed, and we tend to recall the things that make us happy (Talarico et al., 2009). This means we long for the perception of an experience that, in reality, may have been less satisfying than what we recall (Speer et al., 2021). The gap between these idealized visions and reality can lead to stress, disappointment, and holiday blues—a phenomenon increasingly recognized by mental health professionals.

Prevent the letdown

So, what can we do to avoid the letdown? First, be aware that the brain processes holiday experiences through multiple cognitive filters. Pre-existing expectations are the reference point, while real-time experiences are continuously updated against these benchmarks. This comparison process happens automatically, often below our conscious awareness, yet significantly impacts our emotional state and overall satisfaction. Thus, the first step is to recall previous holiday experiences objectively. Don’t forget the time Uncle Joe got blasted and spilled gravy all over your new rug or ignore the meltdown your nephew had because you wouldn’t turn off the NFL to watch Bluey cartoons. Recall both the good moments and those less desirable.

Second, practice cognitive reframing (Hughes et al., 2011). Don’t assume that a particular date on the calendar implies a better outcome than what you might have for any other day like a Tuesday in August. Try to craft your emotions based on the here and now, pursuing goals and expectations grounded in realistic expectations that align with your personal benchmarks of satisfaction. Challenge perfectionist thinking patterns by avoiding expectations of intense pleasure that may not materialize. Focus on process enjoyment rather than outcome by appreciating spontaneous moments of joy, instead of what you would like to see happen.

Third, the key to holiday satisfaction lies not in lowering expectations but in making them more adaptable. Individuals who maintain flexible expectations while focusing on elements within their control report higher satisfaction levels (Zhang et al., 2022). Understanding the psychology of expectations allows us to approach holidays with greater realism and emotional preparation. By acknowledging the brain's natural tendency toward reward prediction error and actively managing our expectations, we can create more satisfying holiday experiences that align with reality while preserving the joy and anticipation that make holidays special. Also, be nice to Uncle Joe and your screaming nephew; they really can’t help it! (See my previous post for more on how the brain covertly controls your motivation.)