5 Ways to Help Teen Girls Manage Social Media

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When I ask women about the biggest worries in raising teen daughters these days, I inevitably hear about girls “always” being on their smartphones and social media. Mothers aren’t wrong. About 95 percent of teens have access to smartphones, and almost half admit to using them nearly all the time. Every day, 8- to 12-year-olds use screens for nearly five hours. For 13- to 18-year-olds, the norm is seven and a half hours—and that is on top of school and homework use. So, it is no surprise that recent reports of Facebook and Instagram harming teen girls and subsequent congressional hearings about online dangers have made mothers even more determined to keep young daughters safe.

However tempting it might be, though, shielding teen girls from social media is probably not an option. Even if Snapchat or Instagram were to become less popular, other apps will surely crop up to take their place. The appeal is not going away any time soon. Seventy percent of teen girls—far more than boys—say they are on social media every day—and on average for one and a half hours. During quarantine, social media apps became a lifeline to peer connection and quasi-normalcy for girls unable to meet with friends in person.

In-app parental controls may help mothers sleep better at night, but they offer a false sense of security. Even the youngest digital natives describe creating new Apple IDs, disabling Screen Time, deleting and reinstalling apps, installing special software, and finding other clever workarounds to circumvent mothers’ attempts to limit their social media use.

Besides, keeping girls off social media would do them a disservice. Many teens rely on one or more apps to stay current with news, learn valuable skills, join supportive communities, and participate in activism. Online, entrepreneurial teens and preteens turn baking, crafting, jewelry making, and dog-walking hobbies into empowering businesses. Sharing funny cat memes and YouTube videos relieves stress. More dramatically, a 16-year-old girl recently made the national news when she got herself rescued from a kidnapper by communicating distress with a hand signal that she had learned on TikTok.

Social media does not create but rather amplifies notorious challenges teen girls often experience in real life: self-consciousness, body image issues, insecurity, and peer aggression. That is why mothers’ best approach to social media is teaching daughters to become as knowledgeable, skilled, and resilient in managing interactions online as they should be in the school cafeteria, classroom, and ballfield.

Because you may not have grown up with social media, guiding your daughter to become a savvy consumer may feel like venturing into foreign territory. The reassuring news is that tech skills are not required. You are already the expert on what matters most—your daughter—and have the necessary life experience and tools to help her navigate social media and minimize poor decisions. Following are the five best ways to do so:

1. Develop a Close, Trusting Mother–Daughter Relationship

A strong mother–daughter relationship is the foundation upon which all meaningful conversations about social media are built. Discussions are the conduit to getting information about your teen’s online activities, setting boundaries, reminding her of family values, and troubleshooting dilemmas or problems. An empathic rather than critical tone will encourage her to confide in you—and to keep talking. Although when you were her age you may have used a landline to talk to friends, passed notes in school, or hung out at the mall, you can still relate to the universal adolescent desires for peer attention and validation.

Constructive conversations about social media require mother–daughter collaboration. Despite knowing your teen best, you won’t have all the answers. Only girls are privy to the subtleties and nuances of their age group’s online culture. Letting her know you can learn from her, too, will pay dividends in engaging her in these crucial discussions. Ask (rather than tell) her: What makes a post good or bad? How do you differentiate a proud from a boastful post? When do you think a sexy selfie crosses the line into an inappropriate one? What is the best way to handle unwanted messages or friend requests?

A mutually trusting relationship makes your daughter more apt to share information, respect what you say, internalize your values, and avoid behaviors that could jeopardize your faith in her. Spell out not only her responsibilities on social media but also yours—specifically, why and how you two will sit down together to review her activities. Being above board rather than snooping into messages she considers private demonstrates your trustworthiness. When you calmly treat her social media mistakes as valuable teaching moments, a natural part of the learning process, she knows she can count on you. And if you keep your cool when your teen confides that someone asked her for a nude or sent her an unsolicited one, this won’t be the last problematic situation she reveals and gives you a chance to weigh in on.

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2. Foster Her Authenticity

To help your teen to feel grounded and comfortable in her own skin—and perhaps less likely to create a whole different persona online—encourage her to know herself and nurture her authenticity. Learn about the daughter you have, not the one you may have imagined. Be curious about her thoughts and accepting of her feelings. What is she getting from social media? Is her goal to connect with friends, or to expand her social network? Does she worry about responses to her posts? Can she be herself online? Does she think friends present their true selves? If she edits selfies before posting them, why?

3. Nurture Her Self-Confidence

Self-esteem helps your daughter to weather the ups and downs of her social life. Her self-assurance comes from feeling valued by her family and accepted by friends. The more confident she is, the easier it may be for her to disconnect from the thrills of smartphone notifications assuring her friends are thinking of her or liking her posts, and the more resilient she may be when friends fail to respond quickly to her messages. Demonstrate to your teen that she deserves to be treated well in relationships. Encourage her to practice expressing her needs directly and assertively. That way, she may not feel a need to resort to provocative, underhanded, or aggressive behaviors on social media.

4. Promote Her Self-Regulation

Another way to inoculate your daughter against rash or problematic actions is to promote her self-regulation. From the get-go, help her to be aware of, label, and manage her own feelings in healthy ways. Teaching that “negative” feelings such as anger or jealousy are part of the human experience helps your teen to acknowledge and channel them constructively. Encouraging her to anticipate the consequences of her behavior may help her to avoid the sorts of impulsive mistakes distraught or overwhelmed girls often make on social media.

5. Arm Her With Effective Problem-Solving Skills

Lastly, to coach your daughter to solve problems effectively on her own, she needs age-appropriate opportunities to practice. Monitoring her readiness for social media is no different from deciding she is ready for other steps on the road to independence, whether her first sleepover, walk into town after school with friends, one-on-one date, or solo drive on the highway. Just as you didn’t remove your seven-year-old’s training wheels until she could balance her two-wheeler on her own, you won’t let your 11-year-old have an Instagram account until she demonstrates the requisite skills and maturity.

To promote her growth—and the goodwill in your mother–daughter relationship—you give your teen only as much structure and supervision as she needs. A high-school student who is balancing her online life with her other responsibilities may need little guidance from you at this point, while a fifth grader “talking” with a 14-year-old boy on Instagram calls for rigorous monitoring.

Of course, being on social media has its risks. But so does almost everything your teen does. Your job has been preparing her to manage them capably. When she confides in you about what she is doing on Snapchat or who she is talking to on her smartphone, you know that you have successfully earned her trust. When your daughter tells you that she blocked someone or is taking a break from social media altogether, you can feel good about her knowing herself, recognizing what she needs, and confidently making decisions that serve her best.