When Your Teen Daughter Pushes Your Buttons

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If you’re the mother of a teen or tween girl, chances are good that you’ve already been caught off guard by a provocative comment, harsh criticism, or overly personal question. It may have come out of nowhere. Or, it may have been launched in the midst of an important discussion, which then came to a screeching halt. Regardless, it has probably become clear to you that your daughter is a pro at pushing your buttons. It may have occurred to you, in fact, that her words have a uniquely powerful effect on you. You might feel them viscerally, almost like a gut punch that takes your breath away or renders you speechless.

Decades of work with women and girls have convinced me that this is because teens are exquisitely able to detect mothers’ deepest sensitivities, tap into painful vulnerabilities or embarrassing memories, and raise issues that are way too close to home. Has your daughter asked if you ever smoked weed? How many people you’ve slept with? Why you always change the subject whenever she talks about a particular topic? Or why you are “mean” to a certain relative? Teen girls are savants at holding up mirrors that magnify our most glaring flaws. It is no wonder we react so strongly.

Yet, even as we may reel from the impact of teens pushing our buttons, we recognize that how we respond in these moments really matters. Every interaction with have with our teen or tween becomes part of the fabric of our evolving relationship. When they upset us or hurt our feelings, how we react demonstrates whether we can be trusted to stay in control and act appropriately. As mothers, it is our job to help them to become more aware of their feelings and to express them kindly and directly. So, although we might decide to ignore an occasional snarky comment or insult-disguised-as-humor, it behooves us to learn where our daughters’ provocations came from.

Still, we are human. In the moment, our first impulse may be to get angry, defensive, or, worse, to go on the offensive. But if the goal is creating a strong, close mother–daughter relationship, these six strategies can help you to respond most helpfully.

1. Recognize signs of being triggered. First, it is important to be aware of whatever your mind and body are experiencing. Everyone is different. Your reaction could be physical, emotional, or behavioral — and run the gamut from mild to volcanic. You may feel stunned, angry, nervous, sweaty, or at a loss for words. Or you may hear words starting to come out of your mouth that are uncharacteristic — or that sound as if you’re channeling a person you’d least like to emulate. This realization can be a gentle but firm reminder to take a pause before doing anything else.
2. Take your emotional temperature. This is a good time to gauge how emotionally triggered you are. If your daughter’s button-pushing aroused a sense of fear or risk, stress hormones probably flooded your brain, activating your fight-or-flight response and sending your frontal lobes on hiatus. To make sure you can think clearly, empathize, and use good judgment, do whatever works best (for example, deep breathing, meditation, a distracting activity) to calm your central nervous system.
3. Postpone conversations. Although it may seem urgent that you respond to your daughter’s provocation, it is better to wait until your central nervous system has quieted down so that your reasoning brain is back online. Rather than dismissing or negating her comment, reply in a caring, respectful manner — and encourage further conversation — by saying, “That’s a good question. Let me think about it a bit and I’ll get back to you” or “I’d like to talk more when I figure out how to explain how I feel” or “Let’s talk about that on Saturday when I’m off from work, so we won’t be rushed.”
4. Maintain emotional control. Because you are the adult, you are in charge of managing feelings when you talk with your teen. To avoid torpedoing conversations, keeping it together is key. That way, you are modeling how to respect each other and focus on resolving conflict even in the midst of unsettling discussions. When your daughter makes what you consider an outrageous accusation, for example, saying, “Please explain when you felt that way” is preferable to “When did I ever do that? How dare you!”
5. Mindfully share information. Girls’ exquisitely sensitive antennae pick up on mothers’ duplicity. That is to say, they can smell a lie from afar. If you want your teen to tell you the truth, it is best to avoid fibbing to her. Young adults whose parents lied to them when they were children are more dishonest and have more adjustment problems now that they are grown. But it is neither necessary nor prudent to reflexively tell your daughter the entire truth. Consider what is most appropriate for her age, emotional maturity, and needs in that situation. You can say, “I’m uncomfortable discussing that with you. But here is what I can tell you…” or “We can talk about this more when you’re a bit older.”
6. Know when to stop talking. You don’t want to let things fester. In fact, it feels good to get things off our chest, clear the air, and resolve to do better in the future. But, despite these desires, oftentimes teens and tweens still lack the emotional stamina to stick with uncomfortable conversations long enough to work through conflict. If you see that discussions are veering off-topic, devolving into name-calling or intolerable swearing, or simply going nowhere, your daughter might simply be overwhelmed. If so, give her a chance to emotionally recharge by suggesting “Let’s take a break” or “Why don’t we get a snack?” or “How about we pick this up again when we’re both feeling calmer?”

These six strategies won’t prevent your daughter from pushing your buttons. And they certainly won’t stop you from being shocked or shaken up by something she says. But having these concrete, practical actions in your parenting repertoire can help you to handle these challenging situations as confidently, gracefully, and effectively as possible.

Adapted from Anything But My Phone, Mom! Raising Emotionally Resilient Daughters in the Digital Age.