Stop Thinking You Know What Your Adult Child Should Do
Or thinking you know the answers or have a solution to every problem. You don't.
Posted Jun 25, 2020
As we push toward wholeness and fairness in the outer world, how does it feel, personally, to you? Are you pushing against it? Are you fighting for it?
If you actively resist the changes that are pushing us toward greater wholeness collectively, do you wonder why?
Now, apply these questions to yourself in relationship to your adult child, particularly the one who is highly dependent but, actually, any adult child.
Rather than get into a whole debate about things like "what you are thinking creates your feelings" or how "your feelings are not facts," simply look for patterns. How do you relate to the outer world, to your child, to yourself?
The in-between is a place of flux where familiar ground is shaky and outdated. The in-between is where new foundations begin to form.
Live in the space of not thinking you should know the answers or have a solution to every problem.
Let other people speak.
Aim for the neutral field where you can act without panic.
Learn to sit with not having the answers and not reacting just so your “anxiety will "finally" go away.” Instead, look at the objective facts of the situation. Be honest with yourself.
Look and question, not with skepticism but with openness. Disrupt something old that lives inside you. You are not skilled at navigating it yet and it feels uncomfortable and you may want to lash out or complain or latch onto something else to fix or change or bring back to the way it was.
It won't work. Change is already inevitable. And that is good.
Some call this space “the grey area.” Grey is wonderful; it holds everything.
Trust that if you can tolerate the discomfort this can affect current and future situations with your child but only because it affects your relationship to yourself. Get used to that concept. Trust that as you gain more access to your inner self you will intuitively be led to the next indicated step for addressing an issue with your child.
Adapted from Stop Counting the Hours: 50 Days of Recovery, Hope, and Change: A Book for Parents of Overly Dependent Adult Children.