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On his blog, Lost and Tired: Confessions of a Depressed Autism Dad, a father wrote about why he believes it’s important for him to hold his boys—all three of whom are on the autism spectrum—accountable for their actions.
Justly referring only to behavior he knows the boys can control, the dad explained that having autism shouldn’t mean his boys get a free pass when it comes to abiding by the rules that help keep our families and schools and communities intact and civil.
Boy, do I agree with this father. I wish more parents would recognize the value for kids in being held accountable for the choices they make, no matter what their handicap. Too often, these kids—as well as those without any recognizable handicaps—are given a bye because it’s mistakenly assumed they can’t control themselves, or because one or both parents feel they’ve been through enough extra hardship. So, rather than burden their child with a standard of behavior and level of responsibility they believe will be stressful, these parents choose instead to lower the bar, and make the kinds of accommodations that alleviate stress but offer no opportunity for the child to build the skills he or she will need to function outside of the home.
Problems can develop inside the home, too, though. I remember listening to 16-year-old “Roxanne,” a client of mine, talk about her younger brother, “Eric.” Eric had level-1 autism (formerly called Asperger's Syndrome). This girl loved her brother dearly, but had come to resent him as well. Eric was intrusive and demanding at home, and had grown accustomed to the kid-glove treatment he received from his parents. They had made a habit of accommodating the anxiety Eric experienced when asked to compromise or try something new. That’s how the family wound up eating at the same two restaurants for years.
Over time, these accommodations had less to do with Eric's condition and more to do with his expectations, and his parents’ wishes to avoid a tantrum-filled afternoon. Roxanne tried telling her parents that Eric’s biggest liability wasn’t his autism; it was that he wasn’t pleasant to be around. But they wouldn’t hear her, and assumed that she was just jealous of the additional attention her brother got.
Everyone loses when over-accommodation is mistaken for compassion. There is nothing unkind about holding children with disabilities accountable for behavior over which they have control, and for its impact on the people around them. I actually think of it as an act of respect, and the antithesis of patronization. We should be telling these kids that certain things will always be harder for them, and some may prove impossible. At the same time, we can help them adapt to a larger world that is going to treat and evaluate them by the same measures used for everyone else.
You can clamor all you want for a level playing field, but there is no such beast. Don’t let disillusionment blindside your kid just as he or she steps out to explore life as a young adult only to find that no one really cares what diagnosis you carry; people just want you to be decent.
