3 Tips for Facing Conflict and Feeling Good About It

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Do you feel like there's no point in bringing up certain concerns, feelings, or needs because doing so will lead to a pointless fight? Do you try to just figure things out on your own, rather than deal with an argument? Do you believe your needs won't be met if you bring them up, so you don't even bother?

When you don't have effective communication skills, facing potentially difficult conversations feels scary. It makes sense that you avoid them. It also makes sense that if you grew up in a home where engaging in conflict led to more pain than anything else, that you'd have learned how to avoid it. If you grew up in a home where your needs were seen as a problem, wrong, or in some way went unmet, it would make sense that you don't treat your needs as being important as an adult (because they weren't treated as important when you were growing up).

However, as an adult, you have the opportunity to learn how to deal with conflict. You can start valuing your needs and expecting others to value them as well. You can have different experiences with conflict than you did as a child, when you understand the process of communication. In fact, you can even find your way to connection in conflict rather than disconnection! I promise this is possible.

Imagine learning the process of communication and being able to sit with your partner and have a hard conversation that leaves you both feeling seen, heard, valued, and respected. Once you learn the process of communication, you can talk about any content. That means, once you've mastered the process, you can talk about anything from sex to money to ice cream.

Practice the following tips to start having better arguments:

1. Work on being less defensive. It’s important to hear what your partner is saying, and not make it bigger. If your partner says you’re not listening, they aren’t saying you’re a terrible partner. Their feedback is an opportunity to do better and meet their need.

2. Breathe. In a hard conversation, it’s normal to get activated. However, it’s not effective to communicate from such a charged place. Start to notice how your breath changes as you get upset. Intentionally deepen your breath and use grounding skills to stay present and to avoid going into a state of fight, flight, or freeze.

3. Slow down. Many of us spend the time we should be listening to our partner, mounting a defense or preparing a response. Instead, try to slow down and allow your partner's words to wash over you before formulating a response. Give yourself time to process before offering a reply. Go slowly.

Conflict doesn’t have to be scary and it definitely can lead to a deeper connection with your partner. Practicing these skills will help you feel better about turning toward conflict, and facing issues as they arise.