The Similarities Between Therapy and Dating

I once arranged to meet a woman I didn’t know in an unfamiliar part of town. A mutual acquaintance set us up, as they thought we’d be a good match. I remember the trepidation as I decided what to wear for our first meeting and the nervous anticipation as I rang her doorbell. During the hour we spent together, I gradually relaxed. The conversation flowed easily, and she seemed interested in getting to know me, which helped calm my nerves and made me feel at ease. She was older than me and attractive: witty, nice hair, dressed in a similar style to my own. I could tell she’d made an effort, which pleased me, because I’d made an effort, too. We were a good match, and our relationship thrived long term.

Similarities Between Choosing a Therapist and Choosing a Partner

Choosing a therapist can feel like choosing a partner, and first sessions share many similarities with first dates. They’re risky and anxiety-provoking. We worry whether we’ll have enough to talk about, whether they’ll be kind and respectful, whether we’ll share the same relationship goals, and, ultimately, whether they’ll like us the same amount as we like them.

A potential therapist/date might be suggested by a mutual acquaintance, as mine was, or self-selected from an internet profile. For me, the relationship is key, and all the evidence supports the fact that this is where the healing happens.

I remember a first session with an outwardly confident 18-year-old full of swagger. He announced his arrival by hammering so loudly on the door I thought he might punch a hole through it. Once inside, he relaxed onto the couch without waiting to be invited and started talking immediately about family, friends, sexual encounters, and scrapes with authority. The hour flashed by. I’d found him charming and looked forward to seeing him again. He never returned, and he ignored all my calls. He’d enchanted me with his stories but wasn’t ready to commit. Our first session was the therapeutic equivalent of a one-night stand.

Another client bombarded me with emails before our first appointment because she wanted to “get a few things straight.” Her questions left me exhausted and anxious about our first session. She was a compact, buttoned-up young woman who didn’t take a breath as she recounted countless stories of being let down by “people like you.” She had low expectations that I’d be any different, but there was something about her I was drawn to, and I remember thinking how much I wanted to prove her wrong and offer her a more fulfilling relationship. And, against the odds, I did. Ours was an intense therapeutic relationship, full of passion and transferential hate, but we survived it and thrived.

Transference and Gut Instinct

First sessions, like first dates, contain a wealth of information about whether we’re a good match and how the relationship is likely to pan out. This is contained in the feeling response that therapists think of as transference and clients and daters think of as gut instinct. To allow this felt sense time to emerge, we need to be together and talk together and experience each other together. There’s an increased pressure to skip the “first date” stage of therapy and replace it with a “quick chat” consisting of a short, sharp Q and A that provides little room for emotional affect. For me, nothing meaningful can emerge during a “speed date,” and if that’s your preference, chances are we’re not a good match. I much prefer the opportunity to sit together, talk together, and experience each other together over a rich, luxurious, therapeutic hour.

It’s always a joy to meet someone you feel a connection with, who you’d like to see again, and who feels the same way, too. Herein lies the beginning of another beautiful relationship.

*Clinical vignettes are fictional and unrecognisable