How to Spot an Exploitative Dater

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I see this all the time in my practice: dynamic women—smart, kind, funny, ambitious, deep, thoughtful, creative, conscientious, and beautiful—becoming entrapped in dating relationships with men who are low-effort and completely unavailable. These are exploitative daters, perhaps more commonly known as "f*ckboys."

Exploitative daters are emotionally immature, and many tend to operate from misogynistic beliefs and values. Yes, they may like you and/or find you attractive. But they don't take you seriously and exploit your patience, kindness, empathy, and understanding.

Despite what they may communicate, these men are typically not seeking a long-term, meaningful connection and are often careless when it comes to dating. Based on what I see over and over again in my practice, I've outlined six common patterns of behavior below.

Patterns of Behavior of an Exploitative Dater

1. Inconsistent communication and level of engagement: Sometimes they text or call. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes you’ll see them more than once in one week, other times you are waiting weeks before the next date or hang. Sometimes they're vulnerable and open up about themselves, other times they seem more closed and guarded.
2. They don't like to commit—to anything: Not only do they avoid committing to a relationship or title, they also avoid committing to plans. They don’t typically make plans in advance and often struggle to commit to a plan. They say things like “maybe” or “that should work” or “I’ll keep you posted." When you are dating them, it feels like they are one foot in, one foot out.
3. Self-focused and inconsiderate: It's all about them: their time, their needs, their concerns. There is a strong sense of entitlement. They don’t usually go out of their way to coordinate or work around your life, schedule, or commitments. It’s really about what is most convenient for them. They will often show up late or cancel last minute, but don't appear to feel bad about it. They may express some level of curiosity and ask about you, but usually don't ask follow-up questions or somehow always find a way to bring the conversation back to them.
4. They're flirty but aloof: They like to banter and will sometimes express an interest in you, but most of the time, throughout the dating relationship, they seem distracted and minimally invested. They may send a flirty text here and there and/or like your stories or posts on your social media, but at the same time, they don't make a concerted effort to move the relationship forward or get to know you on a deeper level.
5. They sometimes do nice things:They do nice things for you here and there. They might take you out to a nice meal, be your date to a wedding, open the door for you, help you with a household task or chore, or remember something you said—things that read as thoughtful or considerate. But these nice things are usually sparse, inconsistent and become less and less frequent over time. This is also called breadcrumbing.
6. They are defensive. When you try to address the inconsistencies or ways your needs aren't being met, they are quick to deflect, minimize and make you feel bad for having your own expectations and standards. They don't know how to take responsibility or own their behavior.

The Cost of Dating an Exploitative Dater

When you are dating an exploitative dater, it's hard not to get hooked. Despite the low-effort, inconsistencies and contradictions, you become addicted to the occasional connection and perceived closeness (usually rooted in physical attraction and chemistry). This intermittent reinforcement keeps you wanting more, and it becomes an emotional rollercoaster. And the cycle goes like this: connection, disconnection, reconnection.

1. Connection: When you are physically together or in regular communication (i.e., you are flirting over text messages), it feels really good—euphoric, even. In these moments, you feel connected and hopeful.
2. Disconnection: When they become less available/engaged, or it's been days or weeks since you've heard from them, you find yourself spiraling out of control. You are overanalyzing text messages, replaying conversations in your mind, and making excuses for behavior that you would otherwise recognize as disrespectful. You become anxious and despondent. You wonder if what you experienced before was real.
3. Reconnection: Then, of course, when you reconnect, you experience a deep sense of relief. You are comforted by the chemistry and feel validated because they have re-entered your life (until they disappear or let you down again).

Therefore, while these relationships can be fun, sexy, and exciting, they're not sustainable and come at a cost. You are often left feeling bad or confused and second-guessing your worth and judgment. You tend to lose yourself and forget about the things you want and need in a relationship—or talk yourself out of these things entirely, even when they're very reasonable. And you also make yourself less available for other connections with people who may actually be emotionally available and have the capacity to show up in the way that you deserve.

It's Time to Date With Intention

While you may have chemistry with an exploitative dater (aka a f*ckboy), chemistry alone is not enough. If you are seeking a long-term, committed relationship that is grounded in mutual respect, open and honest communication, consistency and commitment, it's time to look elsewhere and take someone's behavior for face value.

If someone is inconsistent or giving mixed messages, that's information. Someone who is truly ready and desires a meaningful relationship will be consistent and reliable. Their words and behaviors will align. You won't be guessing or waiting around for them to change or show up differently.