Unmasking Control in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

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We tend to associate the word “abuse” with more extreme behaviors and actions. However, abuse occurs on a continuum and can take on different forms and morph and/or escalate over the course of the relationship. Subtle abuse can be difficult to recognize or detect because it often consists of “small” acts of coercion that compound gradually over time. Controlling behaviors, efforts to limit or infringe on your autonomy and privacy, are common in abusive relationships.

Sometimes these controlling behaviors are overt, such as a partner making a demand or giving an ultimatum. Other times, they are more covert in nature, appearing as a “request” or “suggestion”—but with an undertone of judgment or implied threat (for example, that not complying will result in being ignored, “iced out,” or having love and affection withheld). Regardless of the method, these controlling behaviors can be incredibly damaging and detrimental to your mental health and well-being.

Here are 7 things an emotionally abusive partner might try to control to coerce you into submission

1. Your time

Emotionally abusive partners often try to dominate your time and control how you spend your time and who you share your time with. They use guilt and shame to make you feel bad for allocating time to other people and things that are outside of the relationship. By controlling your time, your world becomes smaller and more insular, resulting in you having less freedom and authority over your life.

2. Your lifestyle

Emotionally abusive partners often try to control your way of living and existing in the world by criticizing and/or challenging various aspects of your life including your hobbies and interests, your diet, your schedule and daily routine, and how you clean and organize your home. They often position themselves as an expert or act as though they “know best" and are simply trying to help you improve your life and make you a "better person." This form of control is subtle and insidious, gradually causing you to question your own judgment and making it harder to disentangle yourself from the abuse.

3. Your appearance

Emotionally abusive partners might try to dictate what you wear (and don't wear), control how much (or how little) makeup you use, influence how you style your hair or clothing and criticize or attempt to manage your body and weight (i.e. telling you to exercise more, portioning out your food, commenting on your diet). This type of control can be extremely harmful and result in various maladaptive behaviors including disordered eating (i.e. food restriction, extreme dieting) and body image issues.

4. Your relationships

Emotionally abusive partners often try to limit your contact with your support system—including family, friends, and communities you’re part of. This form of control leaves you increasingly isolated and disconnected from the relationships that nurture your identity and sense of self-worth. It can also make it harder to process the abuse or access safe people who can validate your experiences and help you see the abusive behavior for what it truly is.

5. Your voice

Emotionally abusive partners are likely to dismiss or shut down your ideas, opinions, feelings, and experiences when they don’t align with their own. This form of abuse is especially harmful because it can lead you to question your reality and doubt your experiences. Over time, you may become more inclined to silence that inner voice telling you, “This doesn’t feel right” or “I shouldn’t be treated this way.”

6. Your goals and personal pursuits

Emotionally abusive partners often try to dissuade you from pursuing personal goals or individual ambitions—especially those that don’t directly serve the relationship. They may poke holes in your plans or claim that having your own goals is selfish or a waste of time, discouraging you from following your passions. By delegitimizing the activities that bring you joy, accomplishment, or a sense of success, they gradually chip away at your self-esteem and confidence—often leaving you with the belief that you can’t do better than the abusive partner or the relationship itself.

7. Your money/resources

Emotionally abusive partners may try to control your access to shared resources such as money or transportation. When they also restrict your access to your own personal resources, it creates a sense of dependency that makes it harder to leave the relationship.

You have the power to reclaim your freedom

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I share these examples to bring awareness to the subtle but harmful behaviors that are often dismissed or minimized in emotionally abusive relationships. My hope is to empower you to trust your gut and intuition. Recognizing these patterns is an essential step in your healing journey and in supporting you as you break free.