4 Reasons Why We Should Befriend the Skeletons in Our Closet

It’s spooky season, and in the spirit of this season, it only seems fitting to talk about one of the spookiest things that haunts us—the unpleasant things or experiences from our past that still manage to linger and manifest in the present.

These "skeletons" might include:

• Past behaviors that you aren't proud of
• Decisions that didn't reflect your core values
• People you may have hurt along the way
• Moments of selfishness
• Moments where you lacked self-awareness
• "Failed" relationships
• "Failures" or times you didn't perform optimally or meet the expectations of others
• Times you were vulnerable (i.e., bullied, abused, harmed)

The truth is, we all have a past—and this is human. To be human is to experience hardship and moments of suffering. To be human is to be flawed and imperfect. To be human is to make mistakes and sometimes act out of character—especially when we’re living from a place of fear or scarcity.

Yet despite this being a universal experience, so many people carry deep shame and long-lasting psychological wounds from their “past.” In my practice, I’ve seen this unfold in one of two ways:
A) We dissociate or try to banish these moments or parts of our lives from our minds because they’re too painful, or B) we carry them everywhere we go, as if martyring ourselves to the pain we believe we must bear as a form of self-punishment.

Personally, I’ve struggled with both. But here’s the thing—meeting shame with more shame only fuels the shame spiral. It doesn’t bring relief or lead to genuine change--and often results in mental health and interpersonal challenges.

So, today I offer a different approach: to give these skeletons a seat at the table and meet them with curiosity and compassion. Let me explain why this works.

1. Feeling your feelings provides relief

All feelings are transient—meaning they come and go. Making space for all of them, even the uncomfortable ones, can be deeply cathartic. When we allow our bodies to experience emotions, as they relate to our past, rather than suppress them, we often notice that they dissipate more quickly. Crying, for example, is one way our body facilitates relief. When we cry, our body produces oxytocin—a stress-relief hormones that naturally improve our mood.

2. Vulnerability allows for deeper connection

Sharing your past with safe people can lead to more meaningful and authentic relationships. We all have a past, and being open with close friends or loved ones helps us better understand one another and build trust. Additionally, recognizing our shared humanity also helps to reminds us that we’re not alone.

3. Being loving towards younger parts creates deeper understanding

When you approach your younger parts or past versions of yourself with love and kindness, it often generates a new level of insight and understanding. Instead of seeing these parts of you as "wrong" or “bad” for doing something you are ashamed of in the present, you are likely to gain a new perspective and see these parts and their behaviors as responses to difficult life experiences, often rooted in trauma or needs that were going unmet.

4. Curiosity allows for growth

When we approach our past with judgment and harsh criticism, it reinforces deep-rooted, negative core beliefs we already hold about ourselves—like “I’m a bad person” or “I don’t deserve good things.” These beliefs are self-limiting and often fuel other unhelpful or maladaptive behaviors (e.g., defensiveness, avoidance). However, when we’re curious, we give ourselves the opportunity to learn from our past and a chance to do things differently.