In 2013, I made the very conscious decision to purchase the book Why Men Love Bitches. This is what could be considered a “classic” dating book (and a New York Times bestseller), written in 2002 that continues to be purchased and referenced by women to this day. It is a “how-to” book that instructs women on the changes they need to make to go from “doormat” to “dream girl.”
I had to go back and search my Amazon orders to find the correct date and verify the timeline. And let me tell you, I cringed looking this up and I also cringe at the memory of this search when I was 25 years old. I remember prior to ordering this book online, I had physically walked into a used bookstore with the intention of purchasing this book. My thought process was probably something like “maybe if I change some aspects of myself and learn how to be more ‘attractive’ I’ll have better luck at dating and finally meet my person and be able to start my own family.”
So I walked into the bookstore (already experiencing so much shame and embarrassment that it had come to this) and looked around wildly for this book. I looked down multiple aisles and sections, pulled out my phone to verify the author and title a few times, and then repeated this process again at least one more time... probably two if I am being honest with myself.
When I came to terms that I would not be able to locate this book on my own, I decided I had to approach the very unfriendly 40-something-year-old male bookstore clerk. I asked, “Do you have Why Men Love Bitches?” And he had responded (or more like scoffed) with some variation of, “I don’t have that book and that book is the reason why you women are single.” I was humiliated and experienced even more shame than I already did before walking into that bookstore.
While I still cringe just reflecting on and writing about this memory, the experience highlights a few noteworthy things:
- At the age of 25, I was seeking ways to change myself to become more “attractive” to prospective partners. I was desperate for validation. I needed to find out what I was doing “wrong” and what exactly I needed to do to become more desirable and wanted. I wasn’t “good enough,” so I needed to develop a better, more improved version of myself.
- I was buying into societal and cultural norms, pressures, and expectations. I was comparing myself to others constantly and willing to conform to societal standards and gender stereotypes at the expense of my unique identity and values. I was more than willing to learn and play “the game." If I needed to be more aloof, carefree, and “alpha” (because that is what a “strong” woman is), then that is exactly what I would do.
- I was completely obsessed and consumed by dating and being in a relationship. I went on so many dates. I would go on two to three dates a week and was even bold enough to schedule two back-to-back dates on the same evening one time—this felt like a very efficient and practical approach. To me, happiness was equivalent to having a partner. If I didn’t have a boyfriend, then what was the point? Nothing else mattered. Dating had become a full-time job and my goal was to be in a relationship.
At this same time of my life, I was the most anxious that I had ever been. I was the most insecure I had ever been. And I was the saddest I had ever been. I didn’t know what it was like to be happy and “ok” with myself. I had completely lost sight of who I was. The things that mattered most to me were not so important anymore. I would waver on and question some of my values and beliefs that I felt strongly about if I felt like they could jeopardize a relationship or wouldn’t be accepted by a guy that I was dating. I would flake on my friends and things to which I had committed to be more available to guys I was talking to. I would sleep more, I would exercise less and I was less inclined to do things that typically made me feel good.
Also, side note, I was probably a huge jerk to a lot of these guys. I was shallower and dated hastily and with resentment. This could not have been great for my dates, as they didn’t stand a chance.
So, needless to say, I wasn’t doing so great.
And this is the funny part. When I think about it now, who wants to date or be in a relationship with someone that is incredibly unhappy? Who wants to date someone that lacks self-assurance and is completely reliant on his or her partner for validation and happiness? Who wants to date someone that just wants to date them because they feel like they have to be in a relationship? All of that is so much to put on another person and realistically not sustainable. Happiness (and I am completely aware that this sounds corny and cliché) is an inside job. And you will never feel confident and secure in who you are unless you do the work.
Seven years later, I am so much more comfortable with myself and who I am as an individual outside of my relationships. It took a lot of time, work, and self-reflection, but I can honestly say I have so much more love and compassion for myself than I did back then. I recognize the importance of my values and living my life in line with my values. I recognize that what I want in a partner and relationship (and in all of my relationships for that matter) is valid and that I deserve those things. I also recognize that just because social norms and expectations exist, it doesn’t make them “right” or make my experiences and path “wrong.” But most importantly, I know that should never have to change who I am and what is important to me for a partner or relationship.
As I work more and more with young, professional women in my practice, I have found that my own experience is not completely unique to me. I have seen so many amazing women have their self-esteem and sense of self-worth take a hit at the hands of dating. When it doesn’t work out with someone, those “failed” relationships become internalized and a reflection of them. They blame themselves, they try to identify what they did “wrong” and there is a desperation to find a partner so that they can be “happy” and “fulfilled.” And as more dating apps have emerged with new features and algorithms, the dating experience has become even more convoluted and overwhelming.
Women (and men) are dating compulsively which makes complete sense when you consider the current dating culture. With dating apps becoming more and more popular and less stigmatized, the pool of potential mates is growing and there are endless prospects and opportunities for dates. Singles are constantly swiping, liking, and matching. You can essentially “talk” to dozens of other singles at the exact same time. And let’s not forget that us “Millennials” seek instantaneous gratification and want immediate results. If one conversation is fizzling, it is “on to the next.” If a date is not going well, there is comfort in knowing you have hundreds if not thousands of other singles at your fingertips to pursue.
So needless to say, there is a lack of intention and discretion for many as they date. And while this dating culture has come to breed obsessiveness, hopelessness, and self-criticism, I wholeheartedly believe that one can shift their approach and mindset. Here are a few key things to consider while dating today:
- Build yourself up: Connect to your values and what is important to you and take care of yourself. Focus on your personal goals. Do things that you love, spend time with your friends and family, and treat yourself with compassion and kindness. Your singleness or relationship status does not ever make you any less worthy or deserving of these things.
- Spend less time dating: Spend less time on the apps or sites and fill this time up with things that make you happy. Dating should be fun and something you look forward to rather than an obligation.
- Date with intention: Think about what you want in a partner and relationship beforehand and remind yourself that you are allowed to set high standards for the person you choose to date. It is okay to be picky and selective. Your time and energy are valuable.
