The Search for Self-Respect

Source: Milada Vigerova / Unsplash

When you look in the mirror, do you respect the person you see? Strip away the job titles, salaries, accomplishments, and anything else that can mask the truth. When you look deeply, do you truly respect yourself as a person?

I know for myself, the answer has unfortunately more often been “no.” Self-respect is hard for me, not because I have extremely high standards or Asian cultural baggage (although this is true) but because of my pattern of getting discouraged when things get hard and then quitting on myself and my core values.

The phrase, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going” rarely applied to me. Instead, “When the going gets tough, Sam quits!” became my living mantra. I just looked for the easy way out (e.g., quitting activities, friendships, past therapists).

Even as a therapist, I’m ashamed to say I’ve quit on clients by terminating them. “They’re making it too hard for me, so let’s quit on them.” While married, I have mentally “quit” on my wife (refuse to listen to her; apologize, with thoughts of discouragement linked with divorce: “What’s the use?!"). In sports, I often “quit” by not challenging myself to give 100 percent. In short, I don’t strive for excellence and instead settle for mediocrity. Over time, this led to a victim mentality comprised of excuses, cynicism, and complaints.

This pattern of giving up eventually fueled a gaping hole yearning for self-respect and a means to find it. I wanted to find my own sense of integrity. Can I stick to something and commit to it despite the hardships and desire to quit? In short, was I willing to “embrace the suck?”

Source: Courtesy of Lotus BJJ Seattle

This shift, unbeknownst to me, started two years ago as I became more “committed” to my physical and spiritual growth. I was getting physically out of shape (nearly 200 lbs), stuffing myself at buffets and just enjoying letting myself go in all aspects of life, rationalizing “I worked hard, I deserve it.” So, I signed up for a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class (after quitting years earlier), and this month (February 2025) marks two years of consistently waking up early to attend the 6 a.m. class.

I shared with my current therapist that this anniversary is significant for me as I don’t recall the last time I stuck with a challenging activity for any length of time. Tears welled up when I acknowledged that I have earned a level of self-respect for myself that didn’t exist prior. I told him this was significant because, without self-respect, I was not able to really love myself to the depth of my core.

For myself, self-respect is interconnected with upholding my core values of integrity and character. This meant finding a way to keep my word. While I never stated a specific goal like, “I’m going to train until I receive a black belt,” I did tell myself, “I’m going to commit to the process” wherever it leads me. Even if I never get a belt promotion, that will be fine. Ironically, it’s not even about the physical accomplishments but more so the mental sharpening and forging of the mind that’s vital.

Adversity will come in life. While we can’t control external forces, we can work on strengthening the internal voices of our minds so that we can develop qualities like internal fortitude, perseverance, and a ruthless commitment to excellence.