Simple Steps to Recover from Compulsive Sexual Behavior

If you’re struggling with compulsive sexual behavior, then you already what they entail. There are a plethora of books that go into detail regarding the rituals, cycles, and origins of compulsive sexual behavior, so I’ll just briefly touch on the basics.

While the general public and therapeutic community embrace the validity of substance abuse and addictions to drugs, alcohol, pain medication; the behavioral addictions known as “process addictions” are met with scrutiny.

Issues like gambling, eating, and spending may be embraced as real issues but "sex addiction" remains highly controversial. This is probably due in part to the fact that sex can’t be separated from conscience. What I mean is our view of sex is values-laden. Whether personal, communal, cultural, or moral, people will have a number of varying responses as to what constitutes “healthy” and/or “unhealthy” sexual behavior.

At its core, compulsive sexual behavior can be seen as a problem of intimacy or attachment. When faced with life’s challenges, healthy people can connect deeply with another person on an emotional level, such as by sharing feelings of sadness, despair, rejection, or anger. People who display compulsive sexual behaviors, on the other hand, will hide and detach from emotional intimacy, out of a fear of rejection or abandonment, and instead rely on sexual behaviors and fantasies to assuage their emotions during stressful life circumstances.

Behaviors that are typical include the following (not an exhaustive list). Each behavior is compulsive to the point where the person does it more than he or she would like:

• Masturbation to sexual fantasies or pornography
• Use of erotic massage
• Use of strip clubs, sex clubs, and other sexual environments
• Sex with prostitutes
• Cybersex and chatlines
• Casual hook-ups or anonymous sex
• Voyeurism, exhibitionism, and other sex-offending behaviors
• Affairs

Keep in mind for a person to truly display compulsive behaviors, they have to engage in a pattern of behaviors that is inconsistent with their values, desires, and relational goals. While hard to assess immediately, they also must have relational deficiencies when it comes to emotional intimacy and use sex as their primary way of coping with life’s stressors. In short, someone who chooses to engage in casual hookups for pleasure is different than someone with similar behavior but who like they have no choice but to engage in those behaviors.

Etiology of Compulsive Sexual Behaviors

What causes compulsive sexual behavior? I view it as an emotional intimacy disorder or an attachment disorder. The ability to share deeply, be vulnerable, and exercise trust in relationships is lacking.

The deficits in attachment come from a variety of sources. Here are some common ones:

• Emotional neglect
• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Lack of praise, hugs, or affirmation
• Shaming messages in childhood
• Lack of belief in one’s sense of unconditional love
• Rejection in significant romantic relationships

Consequently, with no understanding of true acceptance, people confuse sex with validation, affirmation, support, care, and love.

Part of the recovery process is dependent on the ability to be more self-aware regarding triggers that lead to acting-out sexually. In addition, recovery should include not just what you shouldn't do but what you should do, such as the following:

• Triggers (what are they and where are they?)
• Immediate recovery tasks
• Journaling template for addiction
• Learn 20 common thinking errors of addicts
• Negative cognitions to overcome
• Affirmations to put into practice

While none of the information in this post can replace a good therapeutic environment, it can at least provide a step forward to breaking out of your shame and secrecy.