Cultivating Joy in Others’ Joy

Source: Jill Wellington / Pixabay

By Lizabeth Roemer, Ph.D., and Josh Bartok, M.S.

This past week, the Northern Lights were, unusually, visible in our area and throughout much of the United States. We went to every window in our home, out onto our deck, and looked from our driveway; we tried three cameras on several settings, and attempted, unsuccessfully, to see this glorious sight for ourselves. We were disappointed.

Later, as I (LR) scrolled through my social media feed, seeing beautiful image after beautiful image of ethereal neon colors in the sky, natural feelings of envy arose in me. I wished to have had that experience as my own. The beauty of the photographs felt like they were taunting me.

And then I saw a post of someone sharing that their 92-year-old neighbor had seen the Northern Lights for the first time in her life! Something else arose for me quite spontaneously: sympathetic joy. As this sympathetic joy arose, this joy-in-another’s-joy, I felt the constricting feelings of envy release and fade away as I imagined how joyful this stranger must have felt.

This changed how I was able to experience those glorious pictures on social media. While envy still arose at times, I was able to shift more easily into a sense of sympathetic joy for the joy that people were sharing. Instead of feeling outside the experience or sorry for myself, I felt connected to the awe of nature and this shared experience that so many people were having.

Our minds naturally fall into comparison, and so we can easily get caught in well-worn grooves of envy, comparative feelings of lack, for what others have that we don’t, or what we imagine they have that we imagine we would enjoy. When we are stressed, sad, or feeling isolated, these grooves can be particularly precipitous—and other people’s joy can leave us feeling even more disconnected and overwhelmed, constricting us further. This is a difficult state to get out of, and, of course, it’s easy to then add in second-order feelings of lack, such as feeling guilty that we don’t feel happy for others, further driving the negative cycle.

We can get caught up in envying other people’s accomplishments or relationships in ways that undermine our well-being and flourishing. While this cycle is easy to fall into, there is something we can do: When we notice we’ve fallen into this cycle, we can take a moment to cultivate appreciative joy and shift the cycle so it goes in the opposite direction. This practice is like pushing a little bit of filler into the well-worn groove of envy in our mind, making that pit easier to get out of and less steep to fall into. This is a gift we can give ourselves, an antidote to the toxicity of fueling envy.

In Buddhism, this is called mudita: unselfish, appreciative, sympathetic joy in others’ joy. It is one of the four boundless states (also sometimes called “divine abodes”) and refers to genuinely delighting in others’ happiness and positive experiences. Studies have found that appreciative joy is related to increased subjective well-being, cooperation, and altruism, and reduced envy. One way to think about these practices is as a type of opposite action: When envy arises, we can acknowledge the humanness of that reaction and intentionally add in appreciation for the joy of another.

And one way into mudita is this simple question: What if everyone’s joy everywhere is also your own?

Developing a habit—building the muscle of appreciative joy

Because we get so many messages that encourage social comparison, often with a hierarchical perspective in which one person’s success diminishes another, we have often developed habits that undermine appreciative joy. We can reverse these habits by intentionally cultivating joy for others. Starting with others who naturally evoke joy can help—notice a jaunty, happy dog, laughing children, or loved ones experiencing joy, and let yourself feel the joy that naturally arises in response. When you are in public, look for evidence of joy and let it affect you. Imagine feeling it on others’ behalf, and entertain the reality that their joy might also be yours. Remember that this isn’t a practice of not-feeling-what-you’re-feeling, which, after all, never works! Sadness, envy, anxiety, and anger can co-occur with joy for another. Let yourself have whatever arises—just also invite others’ joy in—and see how it affects your day.

Practice inviting in appreciative joy

When the habit has strengthened a little, you can start practicing inviting feelings of sympathetic joy when you notice envy arising. It might help to start with smaller, less-loaded experiences (like other people seeing the Northern Lights!) to build up the new habit. Eventually, you can open yourself to joy for someone who was selected for something you applied for, a friend’s new relationship, or the kindness you see an acquaintance receive that you also long for. While envy separates us from others, appreciative joy allows us to experience our interconnection—in some sense, the kindness, relationships, and successes of others are truly also ours because we are all in this world together, affecting each other.

Continue practicing self-compassion

And of course, because you are human, even as you invite appreciative joy, envy will still arise. But when it does, it might arise less enduringly, less acutely. And appreciative joy does not replace grief, fear, and pain: It is a practice of addition, not negation. We can hold all of these emotions, practice kindness toward ourselves, and continue to cultivate joy in the joys we observe around us.

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Josh Bartok is a contemplative photographer and life coach and the author of two children’s books.