The First Steps in Working Effectively With Anger

Written By Lizabeth Roemer, Ph.D., and Josh Bartok, M.S.

Source: Josh Bartok/Used with permission

Anger is, of course, a natural human emotion that arises when we perceive our own (or sometimes other people’s!) boundaries being violated or our goals being thwarted. It can be a fuel that may help us to clarify our needs and motivate us to meet our goals. It is, however, not a clean-burning fuel, and its byproducts can have negative effects on our well-being and the well-being of those around us.

Angry reactions, particularly when they’re intense, are often accompanied by strong urges to engage in action. This can be useful and motivating—but anger’s “suggestions” for what those actions should be often range from ineffective to counterproductive to outright harmful.

For instance, if someone cuts us off in traffic, we may have an urge to swear at them or drive aggressively toward them. Neither of these actions is likely to lead to our desired goal of arriving at our destination quickly, safely, and in a good place to engage well with whatever task we are heading toward.

Anger also often elicits physical sensations and thoughts that can lead to a downward spiral in our mood and our relationships. Two examples frequently shared by Buddhist teachers illustrate some of the challenges associated with anger. The first is this Taoist parable of the empty vessel. Imagine this:

You are rowing in a boat. Out of nowhere, you hear a thud and feel the impact as another boat crashes into yours. Feelings of anger arise, with your blood rushing and your chest feeling tight. You instantly have thoughts such as, “Why doesn’t that boater look where they’re going?!” “How dare they impede my rowing in this way!” As your righteous anger continues to escalate, you are on the verge of some grand retaliatory action when you notice that the boat that just hit you is, in fact, empty—no one at all is piloting it.

How do your emotions change when you realize that? Likely, your anger fades rapidly away—after all, who is there to even be angry at? And what if the boat isn’t empty when you look at it, but instead, you see a traveler slumped over, perhaps bleeding, perhaps sobbing? Does this perspective change your emotional reaction? Your anger might rapidly be replaced by compassion.

This story isn’t shared to suggest that there are no reasons for anger to arise. It does, however, illustrate the ways that our anger can be misplaced, inappropriate, or can push us to actions we may not want to stand behind and endorse for ourselves.

You may notice that you have more angry reactions to strangers in a crowd, people you work with, or family and friends after you’ve read multiple stories about institutional and systemic injustice and harm. The fact that anger arises makes sense, but it may be misdirected. And acting on it may lead you further from, rather than closer to, your goals.

The second image we want to share comes from an ancient Buddhist text called The Visuddimagga. This text suggests that when we act out of anger, we are “like a person who wants to hit another and picks up a burning ember or excrement to throw at them.” What’s the first thing that happens? We burn or sully ourselves—and the person we’re angry at can simply step aside.

Can you see this with your own anger? The next time angry reactivity arises, try to notice its immediate negative effects. Does it “burn” by creating tension in your body, leading you to see people in general in a negative light, interfering with your ability to connect with others, or diminishing your ability to engage in joyful or rewarding actions?

Noticing anger when it arises is the first step to responding flexibly and skillfully without doing harm, and acknowledging it (“Ah, yes, I see anger is arising now!”) is the second.

In our next post, we look in further detail about how to meet and respond to anger’s inevitable arising.

Josh Bartok is a contemplative photographer and life coach. He is the author of two children’s books and several collections of inspiring quotes.