How Do You Know It's Time to End Your Relationship?

Doubts are normal in relationships, but persistent doubts might signal deeper incompatibility or that your partner may not be right for you. It's not uncommon for my clients to ask, with desperation in their eyes, “Should I end this relationship? How do I know if I should end it?”

No one can answer this question but you. And how annoying that is is not lost on me. It’s human to want to skirt responsibility for our choices, to avoid the pain we may face if we end up feeling we made the wrong decision. There’s little that feels more relieving than having someone else to blame for the way your life is going, and little more uncomfortable than knowing that you are responsible for your own life choices. And the question of who you should spend your life with couldn’t be more important: Decades of research show that the quality of our close relationships is the single most powerful predictor of a healthy, happy life, surpassing factors like smoking status, physical activity, and nutrition (Vaillant, Harvard Study of Adult Development). The stakes are high.

From my work as a couples therapist, I've observed patterns that help reveal whether a relationship has the potential to create mutual happiness. To clarify if this relationship suits you, ask yourself these questions about your partner.

1. Do they care about your well-being, and do they show it?

You'll notice this in small moments. When you talk about something that hurt you, watch how they respond. If they sit with you, comfort you, and take responsibility, you've found someone who can make you feel cared for and help prevent trust from eroding. If they show interest in what matters to you and encourage your pursuits, that's essential support for happiness. A strong relationship includes being there during tough times: letting you vent, supporting you in grief or illness, and being dependably present. Good relationships mean you can turn to your partner when sad, overwhelmed, or scared and know you'll get emotional support. Years of seeing the most intimate moments in relationships have shown me that relationships thrive on knowing your partner is emotionally present when it counts.

2. Do you like and admire this person?

Someone may have some amazing qualities, but you may still find some other traits to be deal-breakers. Liking and being fond of your partner is key; it can’t be faked. Research found that 94 percent of couples who viewed each other and their shared history positively had happy futures, while negative views predicted divorce and lower satisfaction (Gottman, 1999). If you admire their character—the person that they are, what they value, and how they show up in the world—that lays the groundwork for the fondness and admiration that you need to get you through hard times. But you can’t just stay with someone because philosophically or on paper you like them; you need to feel it. Spending time with your partner should not feel like a chore; it should feel good.

3. Do I feel chosen by this person?

Every long-term relationship goes through seasons of disappointment, frustration, and doubt. Couples respond very differently to these seasons. Some threaten to end the relationship at the first flaw they notice in their partner; others remain committed for the long haul. Decades of research show that commitment, the ongoing choice to stay emotionally invested and work on the relationship, predicts not only long-term stability, but also relationship satisfaction, even more than moment-to-moment happiness or compatibility (Rusbult, 1980). In practice, commitment means your partner doesn't threaten to leave during conflict and is willing to have tough conversations rather than avoid them. If one or both partners consistently pull away, keep one foot out the door, or rely on ambivalence rather than effort, the relationship cannot feel secure or grow.

Notice how you feel, now, here at the end of reading this blog post. Do you feel a sense of relief? Of dread? If you feel relief, is it because your answer to all of the above was “yes,” and you feel reassured? Or is it because the answer was “no” and now you feel validated to do what you really want, even if it feels stressful and scary? If you feel dread, is it because your partner doesn’t meet your needs, and you know you should act? Or do they meet your needs, but something still feels off? Notice what you feel as you answer these questions; your emotions offer insight. Sustainable relationships provide emotional safety and a desire to stay. If both are missing, pay attention; your feelings matter.

Facebook image: PeopleImages/Shutterstock