Strengthen Your Relationship in 60 Minutes

While love may be unconditional, good relationships aren't. They require intention and care. Regular check-ins about your relationship can improve relationship satisfaction (Rogge, 2013). When you get intentional about discussing your relationship, you can work through issues before they become bigger problems and break patterns of avoidance that have kept you feeling disconnected.

In therapy, I recommend that my couples have a weekly State of the Union meeting (an idea rooted in John Gottman's research). Here's how to structure your State of the Union meeting to strengthen your bond.

1. Showing Appreciation and Gratitude

Take turns going back and forth with your partner, sharing five things each that you appreciated about what your partner did that week, and what personal quality it demonstrated. For example, "I really appreciated that you took the dog for a walk when I was too tired—it showed me how caring you are."

What has your partner been doing well? So often in relationship discussions, we only talk about the things that need to change. This makes sense, because the things that are going well are going well—we don't always feel the need to talk about things that we want to stay the same.

But when we don't tell our partner what we appreciate about them and how they are showing up for us, it's easy for them to become discouraged. To maintain hope, we need to know that we are capable of doing things well. Expressing gratitude to your partner gives them a sense of confidence that they are capable of meeting your needs.

2. Discussing Challenges

After you have shared what is going well in your partnership, it's time to express the harder stuff: what is not going well. Discussing your concerns and unmet needs during a regular check-in, when you're calm, is a great idea. Rather than only bringing things up when you're triggered and in a state of "fight or flight," addressing concerns when your prefrontal cortex is online is much more likely to lead to effective problem solving. For those who tend to be conflict avoiders, having a regular check-in is a great way to practice bringing up your needs in a safe environment where you can gain confidence that not every conversation about relationship problems will lead to a blow-up argument.

Take turns bringing up these concerns from the week. Try to use "I" statements, talking about your own personal feelings, rather than using language that may feel like blame to your partner.

3. Understanding Each Other

As you listen to your partner's concerns, you may notice defensive thoughts or impulses coming up. When you notice yourself wanting to defend yourself or your intentions, try to take a step back. See if, instead, you can show your partner that you hear them by validating their feelings: "I can see why that would have been hard," or "Of course that left you feeling ______."

Instead of focusing on details, address your partner's underlying hurt, fear, or need. You'll notice that the conversation takes a different turn when you step out of defensiveness and into understanding and taking accountability; instead of escalating, you will reach a resolution.

4. Problem-Solving Together

After you have both expressed your feelings and processed your hurts and fears, it's time to address your needs. Work together to problem-solve, coming up with solutions that meet both of your needs.

This process may involve compromise. When you sacrifice for your partner, you show them how much you care about their well-being, which is the foundation of trust. Show that you want to help your partner with their feelings and are willing to accept their influence.

5. Setting Goals and Intentions

At the end of the meeting, summarize what you will do next week to make your partner feel cared about. This shows your partner that you have been listening to their feelings and needs and are willing to do what it takes to show them that they matter to you.

A weekly State of the Union meeting can help prevent relationship issues from building up and becoming bigger. You can create a structured space for appreciation, open communication, and problem-solving in your relationship. This intentional practice not only prevents issues from escalating but also fosters deeper connection, trust, and mutual understanding.

When both partners feel heard and valued, the relationship becomes a safe and supportive space where growth and love can thrive. Prioritizing these check-ins may take effort, but the long-term benefits, such as stronger emotional intimacy and a healthier, more resilient relationship, are well worth it.