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Forgiveness
How to Apologize, According to a Couples Therapist
Show interest in how your partner was impacted, and hold off on explanations.
Posted October 23, 2024 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Key points
- Most apologies are ineffective, as they are they aren’t apologies at all, but self-protection disguised.
- An effective apology uses validation and curiosity to build trust and safety back into the relationship.
- When we're hurt, we need to feel that our hurt is seen, understood, and matters to be able to move forward.
You messed up; we all do it sometimes. Now it’s time to make it right.
Whether it’s a careless comment to a loved one or a thoughtless action that leaves someone feeling hurt, the emotional aftermath of a relationship rupture can be challenging, to say the least.
So how do you repair the connection? Apologizing isn’t just a matter of saying “I’m sorry”—it’s about forging a path back to safety and trust—with curiosity, empathy, and understanding as your tools.
If you’re like most people, your apologies might start with, “I’m sorry, but…”,
"… I was having a bad day."
"… you’ve done it to me too."
"…it wasn’t that big a deal."
"…[this or that thing] made me do it."
These aren’t apologies at all, but self-protection disguised. Slipping into a defensive mode with statements like these may temporarily soothe your ego, but they do little to comfort your wounded loved one. It’s like gifting your partner a bouquet so that you can enjoy them yourself on your dining room table. An effective apology is a gift—one that ought to be given selflessly to restore the trust in the relationship, rather than to relieve your own discomfort.
The Art and Science of Apologizing
An effective, heartfelt apology involves several critical components. To genuinely connect and heal, follow these steps:
1. Express Genuine Remorse and Take Responsibility for Your Part
“Ugh, I’m so sorry I said that, that was not ok…”
Accepting responsibility sets the foundation for rebuilding trust. Say “I’m sorry” and mean it. If you can’t express remorse from a genuine place, ask yourself, “What is blocking me from feeling truly sorry for my actions here?” You might uncover a sense of being misunderstood that is putting you on the defensive, or a feeling of shame. This is good information to address—but practice mindfully noticing your feelings and put them on a shelf for later, so that you can focus first on your loved one.
2. Show Interest in Your Partner’s Experience
“Tell me more about how that felt for you…”
Your apology is more likely to land if you show curiosity about your loved one’s feelings. Your partner needs to know that you care about their well-being, first and foremost. When we're hurt, we need to feel that our hurt is seen, understood, and matters to be able to move forward. Show your partner that their feelings matter by sitting in the hurt with them, even if it feels painful. Sitting with your own discomfort shows that you are willing to sacrifice your own comfort to help them feel better, a powerful way to show that you deeply care about their feelings.
3. Validate Their Feelings
“I can see how that made you feel disrespected, those words probably really stung.”
This will help your loved one feel understood. When your partner feels seen, they’ll be more likely to accept your apology, rather than getting defensive or staying stuck in anger or disappointment. Validate. Ask, "Tell me more." Validate again. Again ask, "Tell me more." Help your partner feel heard.
4. Express Your Commitment to Change
“I will work on expressing things more gently and kindly, rather than from a triggered place. Next time I’ll work on pausing before I react so that I can talk to you in the way that we both want from me.”
Show that you are reflecting by expressing to your partner that you have a plan to keep them from being hurt in the future. Your partner needs reassurance that you’re not just sorry, but are actively engaged in personal growth. Plans give us a sense of hope when we feel unsafe.
Share Your Side—But Only After
Once you have shown curiosity, validated, and expressed genuine remorse and a plan for going forward, your loved one will likely feel heard, understood, and reassured. If they don’t, rinse and repeat; “What else do you want me to know about how this affected you and what I can do better next time?”
Once your loved one gets to a place of feeling understood by you, this is when you can explain your side of the story, as well as share your feelings about the rupture.
This is important not for self-preservation reasons, but to make yourself predictable again. In other words, the other person has to hear why you did what you did so that they know that there is a clear explanation; so that they know they can trust you again. Without such an explanation someone may be left wondering if you will do it again. To help your partner feel safe from the danger of being hurt, follow these steps to create safety in your relationship.
Moving Forward
Taking responsibility and sitting in the discomfort of having hurt your loved one is extremely challenging. But when you apologize the right way, you can turn a rupture into a powerful bonding experience that shows your partner just how much you care about them. By embracing vulnerability, expressing authentic remorse, and actively listening, you can transform a moment of conflict into an opportunity for growth and deeper connection.
By following these steps to craft thoughtful apologies, we not only reinforce our bond with our loved ones but also cultivate a more compassionate and understanding approach to human connection. So remember, when you stumble—acknowledge your missteps, listen deeply, validate genuinely, and commit to change. A sincere apology is not just an act; it’s the beginning of a renewed connection grounded in trust and a sense of knowing that you can find your way back to safety, even when ruptures happen.
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