Emotional Intelligence: Exploring and Expanding

Intelligence and academic achievement are impressive, but happiness and success in our complicated world depend upon social and emotional skills as well. Being smart isn’t going to necessarily help someone effectively manage their inner turmoil nor a relationship conflict; humans also need emotional literacy.

Emotional intelligence is sometimes referred to as EQ (Emotional Quotient), a term popularized by Daniel Goleman in his book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Unlike IQ (Intelligence Quotient), which has strong genetic determination, EQ can be significantly improved. By actively attuning to one’s emotional education, we can make a significant difference in our social-emotional skills.

There are four primary domains of EQ, and most individuals find that they have spheres of strengths and weaknesses. Several metaphors are utilized to inspire further self-reflection on ways of exploring and expanding exploration in the realm(s) which might be more challenging.

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Self-Awareness: Special X-ray Glasses

The self-awareness domain incorporates understanding and recognizing our own complex inner world of emotions. Multiple factors influence our emotions, and humans sometimes react without considering the underlying feelings as well as the related intentions, motivations, or biases that may be part of a situation. The ability to be somewhat objective about our subjective experience is like putting on special X-ray glasses which allow us to engage in thoughtful self-reflection.

Because such special X-ray glasses don’t exist, we can instead ask ourselves some questions to better appreciate our own emotions. Individuals answering questions such as “What are emotional or behavioral patterns that help and that hurt me?” or “Can I articulate the emotions that I tend to experience during distress?” Some broad-based questions can allow reflection of nuanced self-awareness, such as “Is there something significant about my past that affects my emotional expression?” Other self-querying might be more situationally-focused, such as “I wonder why I was so frustrated by his statement this morning?” Engaging in gentle exploration can be critical.

All emotions are valid, though not all behavioral demonstrations of emotion are appropriate. Allowing compassionate curiosity during strong emotions can help to uncover more information and help us to be more conscious of influence. The psychological adages of “name to tame” and “feel to heal” can be aptly applied in terms of tuning into our inner world.

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Self-Regulation: The Control Panel

The sphere of self-regulation involves managing emotions and having self-control. Knowing how to access your internal control panel is key, and actively working to adjust behaviors as needed is essential. Sometimes our “factory settings” (i.e., those we were born with) are less than ideal, and then more repair and reset is required. Other times, our control panel might work well in most situations but go haywire under certain circumstances.

One way to check in on one’s own control panel of self-management is to periodically check in with the question of “Am I managing my emotions and behaviors productively?” Other related questions might include ones such as “Am I able to move past negative emotions and work towards a resolution?” and “Do I have or can I learn skills for soothing and calming myself?” Sometimes the questions might be more specific, such as “Have I been able to develop methods for motivating myself or challenging myself as needed?” or “Are there areas in my life where I am over-controlled?” Awareness is the first step, but all self-regulation skills require active practice.

Various skills are considered essential in the domain of self-regulation, such as self-calming and perseverance, but one of the significant challenges in this realm relates to the process of practicing pause in order to make a decision about the next best step. As Viktor Frankl, author and Holocaust survivor, noted, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” In using self-regulation, we have more choice and can move from reactive to responsive.

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Understanding Others: Wide Angle Lens

The realm of social awareness involves being able to accurately perceive and understand the emotions and behaviors of others. Just as a wide-angle lens on a camera gives you a broader field of view, having this finely tuned lens with others allows us to better understand and navigate through the interconnected world in which we live.

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Exploring one’s skill in this domain can be achieved with general self-reflection questions, such as “Can I pick up on nonverbal social signals?” or “Am I able to ‘read’ the room?” But sometimes the focus of inquiry and skill development might need to be more targeted, such as “Am I able to be aware of someone else’s potential motivations and challenges in an interpersonal situation?” or ”Do I have skills of seeing positive in others and also understanding when they might be playing games?” If others’ verbalizations or reactions are often confusing, then additional focus and skill building is likely needed in this domain.

Having skills of empathy does not mean others are always right or always need to be prioritized; however, increased understanding of others’ emotional worlds opens up the options of how we proceed next. Knowledge and insight are powerful.

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Social Skills: The Dance

The fourth domain of EQ, social skills, is one we know to be necessary for the survival of our species. Being able to get along with others, form satisfactory relationships and navigate through our complex, interdependent world is like being able to know how to dance effectively with others. Knowing how to lead, follow, take a break, speed up, slow down are all skills that may come into play with family, friends, coworkers, partners, or really any human with whom we engage. Some “dances” might be brief, such as an exchange with a customer service representative, but others might be life-long, such as with our family members.

Relationship management involves the bidirectional awareness of impact and how best to balance this effectively. Skills in this area range from ability to develop rapport to closing out conversations. Questions which can address some of the critical skills might include, “Am I able to be a good listener, show empathy, and be affirming of others?” as well as “Do I know how to speak up for myself and assertively ask for what I need with others?” The “dance” with others can be particularly tough during times of conflict or disagreement, and some of the self-reflection questions then might include “Am I able to mend the relationship and move past the conflict?” or “Is this is a situation where I no longer wish to be connected with this person due to irreparable hurt or betrayal?”

Social interactions can be tricky to navigate, but loneliness and isolation has significant negative impact. If you have identified areas that are lacking, look for opportunities to try out some new “dance” behaviors, whether this be speaking up confidently to someone, apologizing for a grumpy mood due or calming down before sending an angry text. None of us is perfectly empathetic, pro-social and kind all the time; however, we can strive for calm, connected, positively-oriented connections more often.

Bottom line: Intelligence matters, but it is what you do with your intelligence which matters even more. Cultivating increased EQ skills can be life changing.