I enjoyed your article and I enjoyed your website. It was robust and aesthetically pleasing.
Thank you for it.
So you're not a "10" in every which way. But you're probably pretty spectacular in some way, and definitely good enough in most areas of life. If ever there were a time to stop beating yourself up for being human, it is now.
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Posted Jun 01, 2017
Whether you witnessed or experienced violence as a child or your caretakers emotionally or physically neglected you, when you grow up in a traumatizing environment you are likely to still show signs of that trauma as an adult.
Children make meaning out of the events they witness and the things that happen to them, and they create an internal map of how the world is. This meaning-making helps them cope. But if children don't create a new internal map as they grow up, their old way of interpreting the world can damage their ability to function as adults.
While there are many aftereffects of childhood emotional trauma, here we'll look specifically at four ways childhood emotional trauma impacts us as adults.
1. The False Self
As a childhood emotional trauma therapist, I see many patients who carry childhood emotional wounds with them into adulthood. One way these wounds reveal themselves is through the creation of a false self.
As children, we want our parents to love us and take care of us. When our parents don't do this, we try to become the kind of child we think they'll love. Burying feelings that might get in the way of us getting our needs met, we create a false self—the person we present to the world.
When we bury our emotions, we lose touch with who we really are, because our feelings are an integral part of us. We live our lives terrified that if we let the mask drop, we'll no longer be cared for, loved, or accepted.
The best way to uncover the authentic you underneath the false self is by talking to a therapist who specializes in childhood emotional trauma and can help you reconnect with your feelings and express your emotions in a way that makes you feel both safe and whole.
2. Victimhood Thinking
What we think and believe about ourselves drives our self-talk. The way we talk to ourselves can empower or disempower us. Negative self-talk disempowers us and makes us feel like we have no control over our lives—like victims. We may have been victimized as children, but we don't have to remain victims as adults.
Even in circumstances where we think we don't have a choice, we always have a choice, even if it's just the power to choose how we think about our life. We have little to no control over our environments and our lives when we're children, but we're not children anymore. It's likely we are more capable of changing our situation than we believe.
Instead of thinking of ourselves as victims, we can think of ourselves as survivors. The next time you feel trapped and choice-less, remind yourself that you're more capable and in control than you think.
3. Passive-Aggressiveness
When children grow up in households where there are only unhealthy expressions of anger, they grow up believing that anger is unacceptable. If you witnessed anger expressed violently, then as an adult you might think that anger is a violent emotion and therefore must be suppressed. Or, if you grew up in a family that suppressed anger and your parents taught you that anger is on a list of emotions you aren't supposed to feel, you suppress it, even as an adult who could benefit from anger.
What happens if you can't express your anger? If you're someone who suppresses your upset feelings, you likely already know the answer: Nothing. You still feel angry—after all, anger is a natural, healthy emotion we all experience—but instead of the resolution that comes with acknowledging your anger and resolving what triggered it, you just stay angry. You don't express your feelings straightforwardly, but since you can't truly suppress anger, you express your feelings through passive-aggressiveness.
4. Passivity
If you were neglected as a child, or abandoned by your caretakers, you may have buried your anger and fear in the hope that it would mean no one will ever abandon or neglect you again. What happens when children do this, though, is that we end up abandoning ourselves. We hold ourselves back when we don't feel our feelings. We end up passive, and we don't live up to our potential. The passive person says to him or herself, "I know what I need to do but I don't do it."
When we bury our feelings, we bury who we are. Because of childhood emotional trauma, we may have learned to hide parts of ourselves. At the time, that may have helped us. But as adults, we need our feelings to tell us who we are and what we want, and to guide us toward becoming the people we want to be.
See also: 9 Steps to Heal Childhood Trauma in Adults
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I enjoyed your article and I enjoyed your website. It was robust and aesthetically pleasing.
Thank you for it.
What a wonderful thing to say!
Thank you -
I and my younger sister were raised by our mother who had at the time undiagnosed and untreated very serious mental disorders. (Cluster B PDs, possibly schizophrenia).
Mother would trigger unpredictably but often into violent rages, and she would alternate between being hyper-controlling/smothering or, alternately, negligent and rejecting.
Mother would have breaks with reality that caused her to harm us in cruel and even sadistic ways. I was hospitalized twice but we were left in her "care."
I became avoidant and disconnected from my emotions, my younger sister developed blocks of amnesia of her childhood and young teen years. We both still have some PTSD symptoms. Neither of us have ever married or had long-term adult relationships, probably because our ability to trust was shattered over and over again.
Because I shut down my ability to feel and express my emotions easily, when I get really upset, it's my body that reacts.
I recently experienced severe anxiety and anger because a financial advisor nearly cost me a huge amount of money, but instead of yelling or becoming hysterical I developed a sudden, severe case of the poops that lasted two whole weeks! It was such that I literally couldn't leave the house!
I never had that particular reaction before. But my whole life whenever I'm extremely upset or angry (fortunately not often) it manifests as sudden severe headache, sometimes with nausea and vomiting, and sometimes with vertigo.
I've heard this called a somatic reaction. Is it treatable?
So sorry for your pain. Somatic reaction is treatable. I would suggest you see a therapist who specializes in somatic therapy.
Please google Mayo Clinic Somatic Reaction
Take care,
Andrea
It is a pity that Freud did not more assiduously follow up his original trauma-informed theory (likely due to the ostrasization), though he slowly moved back to it eventually.
This is a great read and it is even better in that it shows that trauma informed approaches (and its facilitators) are finally getting the attention they deserve.
This sums pretty well all of my main coping mechanisms that have stayed with me since my childhood well into my adulthood.
Like many former childhood victims, I often felt that if I wasn't reason enough to bring the best of my abusive parent, I would probably never be good enough for anything or anyone. As a result of that, I was extremely passive and tried to be someone I was not. I knew that type of thinking and my actions were flawed, but when it came down to dealing with certain feelings, reason didn't seem to make much difference.
Nonetheless, your article has made put some things into perspective. Thank you!
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on this blog. I am so happy to hear it helped to put things in perspective for you.
Warmly, Andrea
It seems a little simplistic. I find myself a victim because I experience things I can't change immediately. We don't always have a choice, for instance if we don't have the means. Furthermore I experience things that put me down. So I can't always pep-talk myself. I don't believe in pep-talk anyway.
The answer to this would be much more complex than I can possibly post here. I would need to see you to explain my ideas. But to summarize, it is all about how you see life.
All the best,
Andrea
Hi Anthony - This is always an extremely complex issue. If you can not come see me in private sessions, I believe my book Mindful Anger; a pathway to emotional freedom will help. You can find the book on Amazon.
Thank you and if you would like a session, contact me via my website.
All the best,
Andrea
I liked this passage in the end of the article, about us abandoning ourselves after someone abandoned us.
I was always unsure about how much children should be left by themselves, in my own childhood (with sister) and with my children. Neither i believe in the overcare, maybe we were victims of it (from grandparents' side).
I believe many injuries come from childhood, ours was good enough, but today i feel a bit empty and passive in not being able to reach this quality of life.
Thanks for the article, Andrea!
You sound like you are very self aware - And I was happy to read this article helped you!
But, Andrea,
I learned that self-awareness isn't a good thing )) What do you mean by it? And would it be good to let this remembrance of childhood traumas go, or better try to control and heal it?
I do not understand your question.
Socrates' claim that the unexamined life is not worth living makes a satisfying climax for the deeply principled arguments that Socrates presents on behalf of the philosophical life.
The claim is that only in striving to come to know ourselves and to understand ourselves do our lives have any meaning or value.
Thank you Dr. I enjoyed reading this and the responses. I have been told in the past when much of my "junk" was finally getting known by close friends. That I had a "Beautiful False Self"! In some ways I took it as a compliment, but in other ways I knew it was not good. Could you give me a glimpse of the duality that is hidden in the possible meaning perhaps!?
That is an interesting statement - "A Beautiful False Self" - If you are not living as your true self, it is YOU not others who will feel bad.
Dear Andrea,
It is really a wonderful article, it says a lot about what I feel deep inside me
My father used to hit me, tell me very very bad words, spits on my face .. sexually abuse my mother
I always feel like I am detached from my own self, I do not know what is my goals , I used to hide my personality which I am trying to discover now.
And I am trying to overcome this trauma , I wanna be successful and self-confident, I don't want to feel afraid
I also read the other article "How Childhood Emotional Trauma Impacts Adult Relationships" .. I am currently engaged and there are problems due to my trauma, when I read the article I found that I suffer from those attachment styles.
So, I need your help, what I should do to overcome my problem, to be more stronger.
Diana - I am happy to hear my article as helped you to see what is going on inside of you. I believe the best thing to do now, would be to seek the help from a licensed therapist in your area.
Realizing you can use help in 1/2 of the work! Best of luck to you,
Andrea
As a victim of childhood abuse and neglect I agree that these are definitely some of the areas I've been impacted by the trauma. Some more subtle than others and sometimes you never notice until someone or something makes you realise it is that which has been the catalyst to my daily struggles. The healing is slow and yes, the struggle is real.
I am sorry for your struggles, but keep up the healing work.
Andrea
same here I've always known something was wrong with how my chldhood went and tried to change it only to breakdown and give up. I struggle so much with my life because of the trauma I lived. and developed antisocial personality.
In my 30's- 50's I spent 30 yrs in therapy, in and out. Hospitalized for being suicidal. I did not respond to therapy. I was angry, bitter, filled with self pity, self hatred, in denial re my childhood. Unable to trust therapists. Now well into my senior years I am seeing a top Clinical Psychologist. I am trusting but so terrified of my feelings I have suppressed. He helps me get through a session but afterwards I struggle with such pain and confusion. Thank you for your article, so helpful.
I am happy to hear you trust your therapist! That is a wonderful step forward. I am also happy this article was helpful. Hang in there Luanne .... Andrea
I am sorry for that .. but keep trying , It really worths to get rid of this trauma even for one day.
This is true - even for a moment / to be trauma free
Today is June 28, a little over a month since my post. I am not as terrified of my feelings, feeling safe in therapy. The pain and confusion greatly reduced. A lot of journaling, connecting to inner child....and to say I lost my husband of 52 years in April. All seemed so hopeless and complicate. Grateful to be able to post and see progress.
Thank you!
1-4, me to a tee. I never realized I was so afflicted by my child hood trauma, or how intense it actually was and how it has infected every single portion of my existence/psyche, as the people (my family) who were perpetuating the trauma coerced me into believing I should just..get over it, it really wasn't so bad (it was). I grew up believing that I was that I was somehow inherently undeserving or different or unworthy and that my basic emotional needs were burdens. I now am able to chose partners who belittle me and abuse me comfortably, because those are the behaviors I'm accustomed to excusing and even sympathizing with my abuser(s). I never should have moved away from West LA. There is nothing like an LA therapist. Thank you for posting this, it has helped me to be more aware of my past and current situation and what I need to do going forward, which I have a feeling will be life changing.
Thank you for your article. It was the first one i opened after the search engine picked many sites to match what i typed in the google..
I am in my late forties now, but since two days ago, I am feeling like that 14 year old child, who joined her mother in a foreign country, after she left us a year prior. I was happy to be with her agin.. but i felt that she has changed.. that it is not same person.. and i wanted to return home, to my dad, brother, my cousins and my friends.. but she wanted me to stay.. i couldn't go.. And i felt this physical pain of loosing mother, cause it didn't feel the same as when she was home with us, and pain of loosing the rest of what i loved and knew...
Now... i feel the same feelings, the same emotions.. I came to visit her, from my father's home.. and i was supposed to stay only couple months.. but because of some things.. i could be staying even 8 months.. and .. it is not that this time i am a child and i can't control the situation.. i can, and i am reminding myself of that.. but it triggered all the feelings to flood back.. i cry and i feel physical pain.. in a way i am glad to have that resurfaced .. it had been forgotten how much i suffered.. emotionally.. I have worked thru a lot of other stuff from childhood.. i left my false-self behind.. but there is still so much to dig out and fill those holes with more pleasant soil and plant some beautiful touches of happy self.
anyhow.. just wanted to share and thank you for your article.
Monika
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