Love and the Passive-Aggressive Personality

I would add one more thought--lower your expectations. People who do this learned it young and aren't likely to give it up easily or completely. If you can improve their behavior with the advice in the article, you're batting a thousand.

This sounds like a relationship from hell. If one person is acting like a therapist and doing all the work , that can't be ok.

The relationship described is all to familiar. The problem, for me at least, is once I make up my mind to leave if a particular request is not met (eg make room in the closet) one foot is already out the door as is my love.

I understand learning about ones self in a relationship but not if there are kids involved . I'd rather see someone get a therapist and work at their mental health in a safe place instead of in a relationship . I stayed in a relationship for 20 years ... I was not supported to leave . Leave for your own sake . I don't care how much you can learn from it , it's not worth the trauma you are eventually left with .

Not clearing out closet space for you is a beautiful example of PA behavior. If it's just that, then there's an opportunity to discuss the meaning of non-action. If it's a never ending series of this, then you have a genuine problem. PA's don't interpret 'firm boundaries' as a good thing, they call them ultimatums. And if you have to get to that, more than once, you don't have a real relationship, you just have a difficult roommate.

The part in the article about how it is necessary to avoid coming off in a confrontational fashion is particularly hard because boundaries themselves will be interpreted as "confrontation".

To be honest, I got more out of the first comment here about lowering expectations. That's something that I've failed to do and if I would give up the ghost and not expect anything I'd probably be able to "make do".

My partner of 15 years and spouse for five has been unable to articulate ("own") his issues, except to say "sorry" for the sake of expedience. It's very telling that he can't bring himself to say WHAT he is sorry for even when he gets to the point of saying that he's sorry. If I ask him to verbalize what he is apologizing for, that will provoke anger and to me anger is the Ego talking. Apologies and Pride don't go hand-in-hand in my book. To me, a real apology is going to come with humility. I don't see that from my partner. He is only trying to say whatever it takes to get out of the conversation and if he can't have that he literally exits the room. In fact, it's to the point where I can speak three sentences and all I see is his back going out the door.

I am beginning to suspect that behind the chronically passive-aggressive person is a Narcissistic Personality. As a partner (or child) of such an individual, you can't question the holy trinity of Me, Myself and I because any form of approach is something these individuals are overly sensitive to (on the lookout for).

I have been guilty of trying to "punish" my partner thinking it might make him adverse to repeating the same (exact) causes of hurt over and over again. I took it at face value for years that he didn't like conflict so I thought that if I make a big stink about a particular behavior — not the initial infractions but only concerning issues that have become chronic — would LEARN to avoid the hurtful behavior in question as a strategy to keep the peace. But all he does is claim to have "forgotten". He played the forgetful excuse so many times that I actually began to question whether or not he had early-onset dementia and we even went so far as to have him professionally evaluated for ADHD (which he had as a child) but the "expert" in our area who did not talk to ME but administered a very costly test back claimed he was not an ADD/ADHD sufferer. Back to square one!

Because my spouse said so many times that his only intention in whatever action was to avoid conflict I thought that learned adversion to a specific conflict would evoke an incentive for change but it had no effect. As a result, I no longer "buy" that he has any problem with conflict at all. Instigating a conflict becomes a rational for the passive aggressive person's behavior. And all I've done is play into that viscous tit-for-a-tat cycle.

After years on my part of taking pains to be clear as to what my feelings/expectations are, I see that he consistently hits whatever "buttons" I have with such precision that I can hardly chalk it up to forgetfulness. Here's an example: I explain that it hurts my feelings that he gets up and sleeps on the couch multiple times per week just because I've told him to change positions as a result of his snoring. I'm not the type to elbow my spouse in bed but I sometimes ask, at most three times a night, for him to change positions when it gets so bad that even my earplugs don't drown out the racket.

Over the course of the past year my spouse has developed his habitual exit strategy: By the second or third (no matter how mild) complaint, he's gone without explanation. I've told him I don't want him to leave without saying he's headed for the couch. Despite this repeated request, he either says nothing or claims to be headed for the bathroom and then doesn't come back. I then lie there awake, wondering if he'll come back, only to find him on the couch. Then I tell him the same thing: I don't want to kick him out of his own bed. After all, if snoring was going to be the reason for him on the couch we'd never share a bed again because his snoring (apnea) is almost constant (and he won't wear a C-PAP). Well, two nights ago after having this disagreement TWICE in the same night he apologizes once again for walking out to the "bathroom" never to return only to comment a short while later that it's time to get ready for work. I don't have a visible clock in the room at night and so I take his word for it. A few minutes later I go out to use the bathroom myself and I find him on the couch AGAIN and it's a full hour before his alarm clock would otherwise go off. Again the apologies and the promises to let me know that he's going to head out for the couch rather than leave me to wonder why he never came back form the "bathroom". And yet the very next night? I wake up and he's not in bed but this time I don't have any recollection of him leaving. I go to look for him and he's ON THE COUCH. Reason? He says I asked him 2x to change positions. Even though in this case there was NO confrontation and I immediately fell asleep, apparently the mere request to shift positions in bed was enough of an "offense" on my part to justify breaking his word. I don't like waking up disoriented wondering where he is or, conversely, thinking he's going to be back any minute only to be up 30 minutes later still wondering until I physically get out of bed to go check. I SAY this constantly and he promises whatever it takes to assure me that he's not given up on sharing a bed with his wife. And yet, still, he's out on that couch to the point where I'm lucky to get three nights a week with him and haven't had an entire week of him sharing the bed with me for the entire year.

The passive aggressive person will say whatever it takes to shut down a conversation and to that end "white lies" are a big part of the strategy. Over time, it's impossible to trust a passive aggressive person so the arguments can spiral based upon whether or not the PA individual is "serious" about whatever it is they've committed to and/or apologized for. Long story short, we have added problems over the course of our marriage but never resolved ANYTHING. For a guy who supposedly doesn't want conflict, how can I be so explicit in MY communication and he so consistently takes the very same action that has caused a "predictable argument" in the past?

I no longer buy the excuse he tells our therapist that he just doesn't like confrontation. Passive aggressive people seem to thrive on sparking confrontations ALL THE TIME and the more you respond to whatever instigating issue they lay out to trip you up the more they can play up the excuse that YOU are out of line and that in turn justifies more of the same of their dysfunctional approach to conflict. For a passive aggressive person the only "cure" may very well be total disengagement. Anything else you say and do, no matter how well intended, will be used against you in the passive-aggressive individual's internal "court of law".

Of course, it's always a good idea to talk about the way you FEEL in response to such behavior rather than throwing out accusations that will only serve to escalate the conflict. But in my experience a person with a chronic PA approach to conflict doesn't care that they're hurting you, either. The ONLY thing that matters is achieving their non-verbal objectives. To a passive aggressive person the route to power is not communication — since that would imply some sort of transparency that would "pin them down" to a commitment. Their power, rather, is in their abject silence (act first, apologize later). By playing the "forgetfulness card" they know full well you have no means to prove a negative and therefore you get the feeling that no matter how many months or years you've been together they're still treating you as if they don't "know" you well enough to predict how a given behavior or action will upset, hurt or disappoint you. The PA individual is ALWAYS off the hook.

All of us have a potential to be passive aggressive under certain conditions if we are not mindful of what/why we are making certain decisions, but in people who are chronically passive aggressive I think the real diagnosis is Narcissistic Personality disorder. I'm in therapy, honestly, not because I believe my husband can change or wants to change but because I want him to be DIAGNOSED. And yet attaching "labels" is not something a lot of MFTs and clinical psychologists do nowadays. Because there is no overt diagnosis the partners in these dysfunctional relationships are essentially denied an AFFIRMATION of what they're really up against even though they've gone so far as to seek professional help.

During our year's-worth of therapy, my spouse gets away almost entirely with sitting there and saying nothing and he gets away, when questioned how he feels, with saying he doesn't KNOW, doesn't REMEMBER and doesn't FEEL angry (same circular statements he gives to me). This is his strategy for not taking responsibility and he's been entirely successful with everyone he encounters — from his parents to our therapists (and we've tried more than one clinical psychologist at that!).

I thought being with this man for 10 years before we got married pretty much assured me that I knew what I was getting into. But as soon as he had me "trapped" by the marriage license — and the knowledge that we live in a very costly area where singles, even, generally can't make rent on a studio apartment if they earn less than $70K per year — it all went downhill. I keep working and working and working at this and yet I've never seen a lasting improvement in any given problem area. He'll get his act together just long enough for me to make a good report to our therapist and then it's right back into the meat grinder.

Andrea, don't counsel people to stay in bad relationships as a vehicle for growth. They can grow in better psychological circumstances, thanks.

If you're in a relationship with someone who's passive-aggressive, ignores you and has a pattern of being disrespectful and uncooperative, don't waste your time talking at them about it. Just go. If you have children, your children will give you plenty of that when they're teenagers; you don't need it in a partner, too.

I made the mistake of marrying a passive-aggressive man, not recognizing what was going on till much too late. We divorced about a decade ago, and the aftermath is sad and a waste of life. For ten years this man has dragged his feet in supporting his child, refused to have a friendly relationship as co-parents, basically made things difficult and unpleasant for no reason except that he could. When I look back over the emails where I'm asking him to please take care of this or that responsibility he's neglected, and the times when I've had to get firm, the level of disrespect and wasted opportunity for happiness are...I made a real mistake in having a child with this man.

I will have to deal with him for six more years -- going to lawyers, forcing him to do his part, catching the fallout from the kid he puts in the middle, trying to help her deal with the way he invariably puts her in the middle rather than dealing directly with me. After that I am done, but I will still have to help her deal with his passive-aggression.

Avoid these people like the plague. If you made the mistake of marrying, cut your losses and get out.

I don't know if anyone will read this, I wonder if my partner is PA or afraid of looking inward at his feelings and emotions or selfish narcissism.He is the tall , blond , handsome silent type. He is so silent about everything it really worries me. I literally said to him once in frustration, " I know you have something inside your head and are not a dumb blond" We have had some troubles the past 3 of 8 years together. my health was /is poor and I have less income of my own and to contribute,mother in law PIA. his son is missing.I try to talk to him about his silence. He will not talk about what he is thinking..about anything, Good stuff or heavy life issues.He knows I don't like being kept in the dark. That I want our relationship to be the kind where we make decisions together and honest. yet sometimes he does the opposite. There were times over the past that he would spend money and not tell me and i find out when the UPS truck comes. After some things that were expensive(for him ) I confronted him. These things were not in our budget at all. He said he will let me know before big purchases and then again he does it. When his son went missing, he left me out of many details from the authorities and i was worrying the whole time and trying to figure things out and he had info that he could have told me. He won't even talk about what day he intends to mow the lawn. what to eat? we can go all day on a Saturday and Sunday and he will not mention food at all.he knows this pisses me off...to the point where i become PA and don't say anything either. then at 5 PM i think, maybe he will say something about dinner and nothing! Like it magically appears on the table 365 days a year..If he wants to get concert tickets, dinner out? never. save money to go on a vacation in 6 months? forget it. he can't plan anything or talk about any future things. This was happening before his son disappeared. so it is not just that. Will not talk about money, retirement,savings, what bills need to go out etc.. I asked him to go to therapy(by himself, not couples) he won't. So i remind him of all the good reading he can do on line or buy some books.He finally agreed he could do that and now 4 months later still nothing. He still has not bought any books or shared any web sites with me and what he has learned. I sent him e mails and links to various marriage help and mindfulness and relationship sites and he NEVER replies to my e mails. Even if he said that the links sucked it would at least be a reply! I sent him a few e mails saying that he is hurting me by not resolving some issues that we need to talk about and he will not reply to the e mail. Then try to talk to him about ignoring me and my worries over all this life stuff and the many things we need to talk about (good fun things and the hard life stuff) I ask him why he can;t initiate a conversation about all these things..It's not my job to bring up all the conversations/ they are not on his radar at all. He loves me very much. Is warm and reaches out to me and is never stiff, never angry, but he can't talk or plan and the more I ask him to talk and initiate conversation the more he defies me and does not. Like a child. what is up?
hope someone has some insight..
thanks

thanks for the fast reply.. for the reassurance for therapy. My therapist is very good, When I asked him and then pestered him about finding one for himself 3 months it didn't go well so I was advised to stop pushing the matter so hard right now. and started asking him to do the work on his own. Last night I told him about something that I am working on to better myself, as an example of how sites like these, and all the comments from others, help turn the light on. Personal growth. He understands but will never say, "I really need to do some of the reading and work too". or " I realize now why I do XYZ and have an idea now how to make a positive change." He can't possibly think that he has no inner work to do?! Everyone can benefit from learning. I will remind him off and on and maybe it will click, but maybe men need to think that they came about it on their own I guess! I do not want to become a nag or make false ultimatums. Time will tell. I can see what a better person we all can be if we learn and do the work. thanks again. Psyc. Today has a variety of good articles. some so so, but all in all it is very good.

Thank you, Andrea, for raising an excellent point about learning from our passive aggressive loved ones. I have had moments of debillitating self-doubt in the nine years I have been with my passive aggressive husband. The consistent blame for all discord; the not hearing, not remembering, sudden onset of non-comprehension; the ignoring and low-energy; procrastination and broken promises of compliance. All of it. It has been very difficult to maintain any self-esteem within this dynamic, especially because of my tendency to be overtly angry. I have gotten so angry, have been so frustrated, have said things that I can never take back. I have regret and remorse for my actions.
These are, as Andrea pointed out, the clues I have used to shed light on myself. It is very uncomfortable to be debillitated. Particularly when an internal force - self-doubt - has knocked me on my butt. So, should I stay or should I go? I have not mastered the art of remaining calm and dignified in all situations. I continue to have expectations of him that I could do well without. I am the one who must pick up my self worth and and wrap it around myself, for I am the one who carelessly let it fall into a heap on the cold, dirty floor. The lightness of not living with him is alluring. Much like the allure of blaming him for all of my unhappiness. The truth is, despite this maddening dynamic between us, I give myself reasons to be unhappy every day independently of him. I think I have more to explore in this direction before I change the course of my family's path. And as Andrea so gently pointed out, much can be learned when I shine the light on myself. I need to cultivate compassion for myself, otherwise that light will scorch my fragile mind. I must sow compassion for him too, as the heat of my light has surely burned him. And I don't want to be hurtful. Anger causes suffering, to those who feel it and to those who receive it.

I feel scared and know when he's planning on hurting me. You feel so abused, yet if I take advice from this article he will make me feel even more childish or like our relationship meant nothing to me because the closet example he would say I could have made room for my things in the closet. He would say he thinks I should have known to do that and it wouldn't have bothered him if I did. So, they have a way of manipulating and making you go completely insane.

received an e mail update, Susan posted. Reread the comments and so sorry that some of you feel afraid and stuck financially. Looking back from when I posted in January, not much progress with getting him to open up, read or grow or go to therapy. I let it go and then ask if he wants to read or work on the issues..send links to articles or books and he still will not even acknowledge that I sent him the email. I feel disrespected that he can't even answer. Even if he said "I got your links and I am not going to read that stuff" would be better than no reply at all. I guess I would not say he is passive agressive. Just passive. Stone walling and being silent. Time tarries forth and we do not utilize our time well because I cannot get him to look at a calendar and plan. Months go by and so many things do not get taken care of. Mostly because he has too much on his plate(50 hrs at work, fixer upper house/large property)When I ask for us to sit down and plan and budget and figure out how to take control of our lives, get off this merry go round where it is a battle to keep the property up and all the money we spend on the property, he can only see a week into the future. We have our house for sale for over a year and want to make a change, downsize to alleviate the stress and money pit. All makes sense, yet he still is very sad and devastated that his son disappeared a year ago. Not like his son, last seen on a lake. No body, no closure. I am trying of let him be when he is quiet. In Men are from Mars by john Gray, retreating to his "cave" is normal when men think and are under stress. But there is a healthy "cave" when they come out and communicate. My man has been under stress and sadness so long he hardly comes out from his silence and thinking cave. This worries me. I want us to be happy and loving again. I do not want to be selfish and say he ignores me, as his loss is great. I would not function if my son was gone. He does a lot and works a good career, yet we have hardly any time together and it is mostly in silence. If/When our house sells, we can change a lot of things that are time and money consuming , stress of debit, and he can take a break from his current job. This I hope will help our relationship. best to you all

I must admit I have learned a lot from my PA husband. He basically hides from life except for things he has control over such as meals.
He is text book PA. I did not realize this in our 26 years together. Its been terrible in so many ways. But I excelled in everything. He did nothing and I was forced to handle everything that came our way. It was horrible and hard but I wouldn't be the multi talented woman I am today. I'm not saying its a good way to develop, but it works. It was hell. I chose it unknowingly.
But in a strange way I am very thankful.
At this point I do not let him win with any PA behavior, he acts it all out and I just remind him he is creating a "no love" situation. I remind him that if he wants depth in live he needs to create it. I have firm boundaries that he cannot cross. He's a very undeveloped man emotionally and a manipulator.
His mom hung herself to death when he was 13, his dad silenced the entire situation. Knowing where his PA started helps me deal with him. He wants love as much as anyone, he's just scared to open.
This kind of relationship is hell in many ways. It wastes so much life. But sh*t happens and here I found myself. Tomorrow who knows?