What does an angry person look like? Yelling? Throwing things? Slamming doors?These are all symptoms of anger dumping, something we explored last month in What Kind of Angry Are You? (Part 1).
There's a second type of anger, though, that is harder to notice, but feels just as powerful to the person experiencing it. It's called withholder/suppressor anger.
Look at the following statements and check off the ones that sound like you when you're angry:
I become buried in my work
I overeat
I absorb myself in TV shows or movies
I play on the computer for hours
I withdraw from others and sulk
I exercise excessively
I shop excessively
I blast music
I criticize myself or feel guilty
I become passive about pursuing my goals
I drink heavily or use drugs
I get depressed
If you see yourself in these statements, you are most likely an anger withholder.
The above are all avoidance methods, ways for you to zone out in the short run, and feel better quickly, rather than address your anger and deal with it. You may have been raised to believe that anger is destructive and should be avoided at all costs, so you don't know how to express your anger directly.
Just like there are two main anger styles, dumper and withholder, there are five withholder types. What kind of angry are you?
1. Detachment from anger
You may be so cut off from your anger that you aren't even conscious of its existence. You are probably very skilled at deflecting anger (and probably other emotions, too). You don't realize when someone has hurt you or pissed you off. Instead, you walk through life numb, like you're in a trance.
2. Anger that is recognized but not directly expressed
You are aware of your anger and you can feel as it builds up inside you, but you try to conceal it. When you're angry, you exit the situation either mentally or physically. Maybe you turn on the TV or leave the house to take a long, angry walk because you're afraid of what will happen if you express yourself. You may also be caught up in wanting to be nice and look good at all times, so you repress your anger until it oozes out of you in the form of passive-aggressiveness.
3. Substituting anxiety for anger
In our culture, it's much more acceptable to show anxiety than anger. If you feel like anxiety is an ok emotion, but anger is not, you'll let anxiety take the place of your angry feelings. But your anxiety is just a defense against owning up to your fury. Your fury has transformed itself into jumpiness, racing thoughts, constant motion, or excessive worry. Next time you feel very anxious, mindfully sit with your feelings for a while and see if anger rises up.
4. Disowning anger and assigning it to someone else
Disowned anger is sometimes referred to as paranoid anger. If you disown your anger, you probably don't recognize when you're angry and instead project your feelings out and interpret them as coming at you from other people. You may find yourself unconsciously provoking anger in the person or people you're angry at. Then, feeling vulnerable to attack, you use anger to give yourself the power boost you think you need to protect yourself.
5. Repeatedly stuffing anger in a chronic victim pattern
If the thought of risking losing your relationship by expressing anger is terrifying, you most likely stuff your anger. Either you take the blame for other's behavior, figure you don't deserve any better, or come up with excuses for your victimizers. You turn all your anger in on yourself. By doing this, you're giving people permission to treat you poorly and dump their anger on you. If you can learn to explore and express your anger, you'll be able to stand up for yourself.
As you can see, there are many ways you may be withholding or suppressing your anger instead of claiming it. Strategies like these can pay a high price. If you try to avoid your anger, you may develop other serious problems––depression, anxiety, passivity, ill health, and many other limits to your joy and aliveness.
The result can be just as devastating to your life and relationships as dumping your anger is. In order to get the important message that anger is trying to deliver, you need to steer clear of your old, unhealthy avoidance habits and let your inner communication come through.
To Read Part One click here
For more in-depth details on my 5-step approach to releasing anger, purchase my book Mindful Anger here
