Encourage Kids to Tell the Truth, Even With Santa Watching

Riddle: Santa fills up the stocking with gifts on Christmas Eve night. But if you’ve been naughty, you might find me in your sight. What am I?

Despite the ever-present honesty evangelists across various ages and cultures, truth training has never been a popular movement with parents and educators. Children are mostly taught not to tell lies and are sanctioned when caught lying. Pinocchio’s growing nose is a palpable sign of his clumsy deceit, which the fairy “did to give him a severe lesson, and to correct him of the disgraceful fault of telling lies—the most disgraceful fault that a boy can have.”

Source: Feyza Altun / Pexels

We expect truth-telling to be a natural, almost basic state of an unaltered mind, which is exactly what the truth default theory proposed by Dr. Timothy Levine claims: People are honest unless they have a reason not to be, and people believe others unless suspicion is triggered. However, early on in our lifetime, we come across plenty of reasons not to always be completely sincere.

Clearly, it is not only lies that come with an evident cost. Kids (and grown-ups alike) learn to anticipate dire consequences to truth-telling, such as receiving the answer to our riddle above as an unwanted Christmas present when confessing that they’ve been “naughty.” Or back to Pinocchio’s story, when he naively brags that he has four coins, he is swiftly fooled by the shrewd fox and cat. No wonder that when the fairy asks where the remaining coins are, he produces his first lie, “I have lost them!” although three are still in his pocket. It’s a reminder that a lie begets another lie after the initial naivety is sanctioned.

To make the story even more complicated, as our research shows, children can successfully alternate between using lies and truths to deceive (called second-order deception) not only to escape punishment but also to proactively gain a competitive advantage to get some desirable rewards.

How can we teach children that truth-telling will not result in further loss or punishment, thus fostering more sincerity in our interactions? Some insightful ideas come from one of the world’s leading experts in the field of child deception (and honesty) research, whom we asked to provide some practical tips and tricks. Dr. Victoria Talwar, Canada Research Chair (II) and Professor at McGill University and director of the Talwar Child Development Lab, suggests parents and teachers could:

1. Ask children to promise to tell the truth, but don’t overdo it

Our studies were the first to show that simply asking children to promise to tell the truth increases the likelihood that they will tell the truth about a transgression, Dr. Talwar explains. It doesn’t mean they are guaranteed to be honest—but it does alert them to the importance of telling the truth.

Lots of studies (ours and others) have replicated this. However, I would not say asking children to promise to tell the truth would be effective all the time or should be used all the time!

2. Read them moral stories and talk about the importance of honesty

We have found a number of studies suggesting that talking about honesty is particularly important. Parents often talk about the consequences of lying, but it is also important to talk about honesty and give examples (through stories is one method) of what they look like. Our research found that giving children positive encouragement for telling the truth increased the likelihood of telling the truth.

Overall, these findings all suggest it is important to talk about honesty and encourage it positively. Not just talk about the punishment. You can use stories, or you can use events that have happened during your day as jumping-off points. These discussions will happen over time as your child grows and deals with new situations. It should be an ongoing conversation.

3. Acknowledge and recognize honesty

We often fail to do this, as we focus on when they lie. Comment on a child’s honesty when you see it, which gives a powerful message that you notice and value it: “I overheard you being honest and telling our neighbor truthfully that it was you who smashed their pumpkin with your ball.”

4. Show them that there are positive consequences to truth-telling

We found in several studies that when children see someone else lie, they are also more likely to lie. However, when they see someone lie with negative consequences or tell the truth with positive consequences, this increases the likelihood they will tell the truth about their own transgression. They learn by observing others and learning about the consequences of others’ actions.

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5. Adopt a warm, responsive parenting style with firm rules and expectations

Our research shows that it is common and normative for preschool children to tell lies, and this is positively related to their social cognitive abilities. However, our research also shows that in the context of warm, responsive parenting with firm rules and expectations (authoritative parenting), children are less likely to lie to cover transgressions. However, if they perceive the stakes as high enough, most children (and many adults) may still lie. Also, we recently found that it may be that higher social cognitive abilities (i.e., Theory of Mind) in older childhood and adolescence may make them less likely to lie to conceal transgressions.

6. Model honesty

Our own behavior gives powerful messages—we must “walk the talk.” Words and deeds that match are more powerful than words alone. Our explicit message may be that honesty is important, but kids often see us being dishonest. The implicit message is that we give lip service to the virtue of honesty, but when it suits us, we can “fudge” it and lie.

After all, the first lie in Pinocchio’s story is actually uttered by his very maker, Geppetto, who sells his coat in order to buy Pinocchio a schoolbook and lies to the boy, telling him it’s “Because I found it too hot.” And even if we are not prolific liars, research shows we all have good and bad lie days, so probably our kids do as well. Would telling children the truth about Santa this year be a first step in our ongoing journey toward honesty, or are we afraid that it would ruin the magic of the holidays?

Answer to the Riddle: A lump of coal