How to Handle Awkward Money Pressures in Relationships

Have you ever felt uncomfortable when someone asked to borrow money? How about the pressure to pick up the tab?

According to a November 2020 survey, lending between friends and family is common. 53% of Americans have borrowed money or loaned money to someone within the past year. Most of the borrowers (71%) felt guilty asking for a loan from friends or family.¹

Why is it so difficult to talk about money? Our beliefs and values about money are deeply rooted in our childhood, and we may have some unconscious financial fears and anxieties. We may also find it challenging to find a healthy balance between caring for ourselves and helping out the people we love. This can lead to feelings of guilt, anxiety, and even relationship conflict. Here are some solutions.

How to Handle Four Common Money Pressures

Your best bet may be to keep your response short and never expect to see the money again in all of these situations. If you have a partner, be sure to include them in the conversation and respond with “we” instead of “I.”

It’s also important to practice self-compassion and financial self-care and not to fall into a sinkhole of feelings of inadequacy, shame, or guilt about needing to set healthy financial limits to protect your mental wealth (mental wellbeing and financial health).

Saying no can also preserve the integrity of the relationship and prevent damaging resentment or even the loss of relationships over money matters.

Pressure 1: Requests for Money

These are challenging financial times for many, and requests for help are on the rise, so it is best to be prepared.

1. When to Say Yes

Say yes when you feel 100% clear about giving money to this person. You trust they will use it for the reason they’ve given, and you are comfortable with never receiving it back.

Say yes with clear boundaries:

“Yes, I am willing to give/loan you X amount of money at Y% interest until Z date. I expect payments of A until you have paid me back in full.”

2. When to Compromise

Compromise when you are clear about wanting to help, but you don’t trust they’ll use the money for the reason they’ve requested. You realize you’ll probably never get the money back, and you are comfortable with that.

How to compromise:

“I’m sorry I am not able to help as you’ve requested, but I can give/loan you X amount at Y% interest until Z date. I expect payments of A until you have paid me back in full.”

3. When to Say No

Say no when you are not 100% comfortable about giving the person money. You don’t fully trust they will use it because they requested, and you want to get paid back.

How to say no:

“As much as I would love to help you, I’m sorry that it isn’t possible at this time.”

“I’m sorry, no.”

“I am unable, but here are some resources you could look into.”

Less is more. If you feel pressured or uncomfortable, say, “I’m sorry, I need to end this conversation.”

Pressure 2: Nosy Financial Questions

These are common when you’ve had a job change, a move, a significant life event like graduating, getting married, having a baby, or purchasing or selling an item like a car.

Never feel pressured to compromise your boundaries to satisfy somebody else’s curiosity. Prioritize your comfort and mental wellbeing over providing a polite response to somebody’s inappropriate question.

Prepare a canned response. You can begin by saying, “I’m sorry, as much as I’d like to share...”

• “I’m not comfortable disclosing or discussing that information.”
• “My partner and I have agreed to keep our finances between us.”
• “There are business and legal reasons why I need to keep that information confidential.”

You can follow up with, “I hope you understand,” or “You are an important person to me, and I need to be straightforward with you to preserve the integrity of our relationship.”

You can also diffuse feelings of hurt and anger by saying, “I know we are very close. I hope this doesn’t feel hurtful or withholding, but I’m only comfortable discussing with my financial advisors.”

Hold your ground and stay firm. Avoid becoming defensive or engaging in an argument. Remember, you are responsible for your own words and actions and not for somebody else’s response to them. Stay calm and grounded. Breathe and pay attention to your nonverbal communication to diffuse tension. Take a break, if needed, by saying something like, “I’m sorry, I need to end this conversation.”

Pressure 3: Expectations to Foot the Bill

This might happen if you are earning more than the people you are with or are older or in a position of authority.

1. When to Say Yes

Say yes when you feel 100% clear about footing the bill and harbor no resentment if not reciprocated.

How to say yes with boundaries:

“I am happy to treat this time/for family/on our family vacations, etc.”

2. When to Compromise

Compromise when you are clear about paying in part or in full but don’t want to set a precedent or ongoing expectations.

How to compromise:
“We are happy to foot the bill this time if you can chip in for the tip.”

“We’d love to pick up the bar tab, but let’s do separate checks at dinner.”

“Since there are so many of us, and I know times are tough, why don’t we host a potluck at our place?”

3. When to Say No

Say no when you are not 100% comfortable footing the bill, and it will harbor resentment if not reciprocated.

How to politely and proactively say no:

“Let’s pick a reasonable place to go or eat at home, so nobody feels financial pressure.”

“As much as we’d like to treat you, we are working at living within our budget. Our financial planner would kill us if we did, and unfortunately, we can’t do that at this time.”

Pressure 4: Expectations to Pay for Life Events

An example of this would include adult children expecting their parents to pay for their wedding or baby shower or your sister expecting you to foot the bill for her engagement party or baby shower. You can set a budget and only pay for items that fall within that budget instead of footing the entire bill.

1. When to Say Yes

Say yes when you feel 100% about paying for the event and the budgeted amount.

How to say yes with boundaries:

“Yes, I can give you X amount, and you will need to work within that budget because I can’t do more than that.”

2. When to Compromise

Compromise when you are clear about wanting to help, but not entirely as requested.

How to compromise:

“While we can’t give you X amount, we are happy to give you Y amount.”

3. When to Say No

Say no when you are not 100% comfortable with paying for the event.

How to politely say no:

“As much as I wish we could help, we are unable to and are only able to help with planning, decorating, and logistics or other tasks as needed.”

These strategies also apply to other messy moments and help you handle them with healthy financial boundaries, kindness, and grace. Remember to be gentle with yourself as you practice these skills. Money talk in relationships can get messy, and it takes some time to get comfortable with these conversations. You can do it!