It’s Time to Bring Back Parental Authority

Source: Shutterstock: Suzanne Tucker

The Erosion of Parental Authority

One of the most common dynamics seen in families who have a child or teen with a mental health condition is a gradual erosion of parental authority.

By authority, this does not mean an over-the-top, authoritarian, “my way or the highway” type of authority. It refers to parents who can no longer set even the most basic limits and expectations with their kids. This might include asking them to be on time for school (or attend school at all), keep up on homework, help around the house, be kind and respectful, or regulate their emotions in a reasonable way.

Of course, some parents are naturally more permissive. However, what is far more common are parents who, at one time, were better able to set limits with their child but have gradually moved out of the role of exercising their authority.

Here is a typical case example of a family with a child or teen who has a mental health condition. The specific diagnosis matters less than you might think because this parent–child dynamic tends to look quite similar across many different conditions.

A family presented for treatment with a 15-year-old girl who was having multiple episodes per week of severe emotional dysregulation. These episodes included yelling and cursing, destroying property, physically intimidating her parents, and making threats when she did not get her way. Over time, her parents started asking less and less of her out of fear that she would escalate. Of course, they wanted to be able to set limits around her extreme reactions and mistreatment of them, but she had gradually trained them out of exercising their parental authority to avoid a serious upset.

Why Authority Collapses Over Time

If every time a parent tries to establish an expectation (“We don’t curse at each other in our family”) it is met with threats and explosions, what parent wouldn’t eventually back down? It is completely understandable how this dynamic can develop.

When parents start walking on eggshells, children stop seeing them as authority figures and begin to feel out of control. All kids want and need limits to feel safe. They know it is wrong to mistreat their parents and feel bad about themselves for doing so. Even as parents are trying desperately to keep a lid on things, the child or teen’s behavior and psychological condition continue to worsen.

Another contributing factor to the loss of parental authority is that children and teens can influence their parents’ behavior in undesirable ways by actively leveraging their mental health condition.

For example, if a parent wants a teenager to spend less time on a screen, it is common for the teen to say, “Being on a screen is the only thing that makes me less depressed,” or when a child a missing homework assignments, they might say, “You know I can’t keep up on my homework because I have ADHD.” Sometimes, kids will say things that would make any parent back down, such as, “If you try to make me do that, I’ll kill myself.”

This letting go of parental authority inevitably turns the natural order of things upside down: instead of parents being in charge, the child is now in charge. Parents slide into a more permissive style—not because they want to, but because they feel they have no choice, and the child’s negative reactions provide incentives to do so.

As most people are probably aware, research on permissive parenting indicates that children raised in this style are more likely to feel entitled, have less empathy, struggle with emotion regulation, and have lower frustration tolerance, among other difficulties. For an easy-to-digest summary of this research, see Naru-Rahim, 2024.

How Misinformation on Social Media Makes the Problem Worse

Another strong incentive pushing parents away from an authoritative stance and toward permissiveness is the rampant misinformation on social media that attempts to convince parents that being permissive is actually a good thing.

There is no shortage of influencers who proclaim themselves experts on children’s mental health yet have little to no training or actual expertise in this area. Their advice or “programs” often run counter to established science. Scared, exhausted parents who are desperate for relief can easily fall prey to bad advice and be led far astray.

In its more benign form, this misinformation tells parents that their kids simply cannot do certain things—like be kind and respectful—because their mental health condition won’t allow it. For example, some ADHD influencers advise parents that their child or teen cannot help tormenting a younger sibling because “their brain is wired to be impulsive.”

Adolescence Essential Reads

Strategies to Help Parents Effectively Guide Their Teenager

Navigating the Perilous Journey of Adolescence

Or consider the nonsensical advice of another influencer who argues that parents who appropriately exert parental authority are exploiting their children through a “hierarchical” power imbalance. Parents are told not to praise or correct their child’s behavior because these are supposedly “levers of control.”

This is nothing more than permissive parenting in sheep’s clothing.

Returning to the family in the case example, while it is completely understandable how these parents ended up in this position, they will need considerable help to get out of it. This girl does not want to be in charge of her parents; no child does.

An upside-down power imbalance between parents and their children also makes it almost impossible for families to feel close and connected to one another. It’s not easy for a parent to feel close to someone who's routinely mistreating them, or for the child to feel close to someone they are routinely mistreating.

The Role of Family- and Parent-Based Treatments

Family- and parent-based treatments, rather than individual therapy for the child, are best positioned to create this kind of positive change. Parents need substantial coaching and support to return to a more loving, healthy family dynamic. They also need to learn how to respond to their child’s extreme behaviors in ways that will improve those behaviors—a specialized skill set that can be taught and acquired.

These approaches can not only teach parents how to safely regain their parental authority, but they can also help improve communication, resolve long-standing grievances, increase collaborative problem-solving, and teach skills the entire family can use to better navigate conflict.

Let’s Put Parents Back in Charge Where They Belong

It is time to bring back parental authority. Family-based treatments can implement countless strategies and interventions to reestablish normal family expectations, which are essential for any child’s mental health and emotional well-being.