Unmasking “Masking” in Kids

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The Concept of Masking

Discussions of masking in the adult autism community have taken place for decades. Masking refers to the suppression of autistic traits and the adoption of behaviors to appear more neurotypical.

I have no doubt that the experience of autistic people trying to live in a predominantly neurotypical world is exhausting, invalidating, and often a source of great pain and distress.

This article is not about that type of masking.

Masking in Challenging Kids and the Influence of Social Media on Parents

I am referring to how the concept of masking has infiltrated social media and the unhelpful ways it is being applied to children and teens with mental health challenges.

It is not at all uncommon for kids with various mental health conditions to struggle with challenging behaviors, such as extreme emotional dysregulation, screaming or cursing at their parents, physical aggression, not doing what’s asked of them, and so on.

Many kids with serious behavioral challenges at home do not have those same challenges in school or in other environments, such as on the soccer field, at a friend’s house, or with their grandparents (though some do, of course). This poses a dilemma for parents and social media influencers as they try to make sense of why this might be the case.

The Masking Narrative: A Closer Look

This is where the masking narrative comes into the picture. It is alleged that the version of the child presented at school is not their “true” self. Instead, they are simply holding it together (masking) at school, and when they come home, they finally collapse into who they really are because they feel safe there. As the story goes, kids expend so much effort and energy at school (and elsewhere) that by the time they come home, they are exhausted, and the fireworks begin.

Like many good stories, there is an element of truth here, which keeps the narrative alive.

Context, Situations, and Behavior: Lessons From Research

We are all different versions of ourselves depending on the situation or context. This is what we learned from the Good Samaritan studies in the 1970s, conducted by psychologists John Darley and Daniel Batson.

From their research, they demonstrated that a person can behave very differently depending on the situation, and sometimes even small changes to the situation can have a large effect on a person’s behavior. For example, even for people inclined to be helpful (in this case, seminary students), when told they must hurry to another location, those same people stopped far less often to help a person in obvious medical distress than when they were told they had plenty of time to reach their destination.

For more on this fascinating aspect of human nature, see The Person and the Situation: Perspectives of Social Psychology by Lee Ross and Richard Nisbett (1991).

I am not always the same version of myself at home as I am in other settings. I am more inclined to be irritable with my family on occasion than with my patients. Most of us have experienced this dynamic, sometimes treating our loved ones less well than we treat others. Kids often don’t behave as well for their parents as they do for others; it’s quite common. I do not know why they do this; they just do.

Evidence Against the Masking Argument

Let’s examine some evidence that challenges the masking argument for more difficult-to-parent kids:

• In my clinical experience, although it is less common, I have worked with numerous neurodivergent children and teens who behave just fine at home, but their struggles occur primarily at school. Does that mean they are masking at home and only feel safe at school? Clearly, that makes no sense.
• Problematic behavior can be improved through the right clinical interventions and parenting strategies for both neurodivergent and neurotypical kids. Many behavioral challenges at home can be drastically reduced by changing how parents respond, and in many cases, eliminated altogether. Does that mean the child is now just masking all the time at home? That also makes no sense.
• Over time, the behavior of many kids with mental health challenges improves at home simply due to time and maturity. Does that mean older kids have simply become better at masking their behavior at home? I don’t think anyone would agree with that.

Why the Masking Narrative Draws in Parents

Here’s another reason why parents might take comfort in the “only masking at school” idea—and honestly, I don’t blame them. Parents often feel that when their child has challenges, they are somehow to blame. I have never met a parent who didn’t think that way. The masking argument can be appealing to parents because it removes some of the guilt and shame when the child only acts out for them.

Masking Essential Reads

Masking as an Evolutionary Advantage

The Strain of Masking: Reclaiming Our Neurodivergent Selves

In most cases, I do not feel parents are to blame. Parents love their children desperately and would do anything to help them. It is not that they are doing something wrong; it’s that they have an unusually difficult-to-parent child, and it’s not easy to figure out what works with them. Most parents try responding to problematic behavior in ways that have worked with their easier-to-parent children, only to discover these do not work with a more challenging child.

The Role of Behavioral Interventions and Alternate Parental Responses

There are well-established behavioral interventions and parental responses that are very effective with more challenging kids, across most diagnoses. The problem is that many therapists are not trained in these interventions, so parents are never taught how to use them. Many parents then draw the erroneous conclusion that nothing works with their child, leaving that information gap filled by misinformation spread on social media

Here’s an example of how things might be different in school. If a student acts out in class, most teachers will likely respond in a fairly optimal way (hopefully). Well-trained and experienced teachers generally do not get really angry and raise their voice, engage in prolonged power struggles, or threaten to ground the student for a week—all responses that do not work well with challenging kids. Instead, teachers often respond more matter-of-factly, give the student a choice to follow the rules or not, and then leave them alone or possibly send them to the office (disengaging).

Parents often respond very differently at home (with the best of intentions), creating a new situation with different incentives and less-than-ideal behavioral outcomes. For example, for a variety of reasons, when a parent fully interacts with a dysregulated child, we know that it only serves to increase dysregulation over time, not decrease it. Punishments only make mad kids even madder, but the thoughtful application of other, more sophisticated consequences is usually quite effective.

However, parents can be taught more optimal responses, using some of the same principles in the teacher example (albeit with modifications), resulting in a different version of the child at home. Change the situation, change the child. Change the parents’ responses, change the child.

The Harmful Message of the Masking Argument

The other problem with the masking argument is the negative message it sends to the kid. Even when they’re doing it right at school, they’re somehow still doing it wrong: “He’s only masking at school. We see the real him at home.”

Which version of him is his truer self? That’s a question for philosophers. Rather than celebrating the kid getting it right for seven-plus hours a day, five days a week in school, we trivialize this and make it part of the child’s “disability.” And if someone doesn’t think school makes countless, stressful demands on kids, sometimes far more so than at home, that is a belief worth rethinking.

Moving Beyond the Masking Narrative

It is time to abandon the masking narrative and stop telling kids they are getting it wrong, even when they are clearly getting it right. Most kids behave better outside of the home than they do with their parents—that’s not masking, that’s being a kid. Let’s start helping harder kids succeed at home, too.