“Consequences Don’t Work With My Kid!”

Temporarily removing screen privileges and only returning them after the child or teen has engaged in positive behaviors a while is far more effective than punishment.

Source: Dejan Dundjerski/Shutterstock

In my work with highly oppositional children and teens, I often hear parents say that consequences haven’t worked. From their perspective, this is true. Most parents have tried all sorts of consequences to address their kids’ negative behavior, but they often fail and the kid’s behavior doesn’t improve.

It’s important to note that not all consequences are created equal. In this post, I’ll explain some key distinctions between what people typically mean when they use the word “consequence” and introduce an alternative that is much more effective.

The Problem with Punishment

"Consequence” is a broad, generic term. When most parents refer to consequences, they are usually talking about what psychologists call punishment. The American Psychological Association defines punishment as a “physically or psychologically painful, unwanted, or undesirable event or circumstance imposed as a penalty on an actual or perceived wrongdoer” (APA, 2018).

The key term here is "penalty." When a child misbehaves, the parent imposes something the child dislikes. Typically, these penalties are given for a fixed period of time. For example, a parent might say, “You’ve lost your phone for a week for cursing at me.” While this approach might seem like the way to go, there are numerous reasons why it doesn’t work well with kids, especially highly oppositional ones.

Time-Based Punishments Don’t Work Well

Let’s start with the time element. If you take away a child’s phone for a week, you can’t take it away a second time in that same week. What happens if the kid misbehaves again during that time? Most parents will escalate the punishment: “Now your week starts all over again!” or, worse still, “Now you’ve lost it for two weeks!”

This quickly leads to diminishing returns. Once the punishment becomes extreme, the child may feel they have nothing to lose and continue misbehaving.

Punishment Leads to Escalations

This leads us to the next problem with punishment: Kids almost always get mad when parents drop a punishment on them. And why not? They’re already in the doghouse, so why not go for broke and blow up? The parent starts with one problem, i.e., whatever the negative behavior was that got the kid the consequence, and now they have a second problem on their hands, which is the inevitable blow-up that follows.

For these reasons, I never recommend that parents use punishment. But if punishment isn’t effective, what’s the alternative?

Introducing Pause, Earn, and Return Reinforcement

I advocate for the use of what psychologists call negative reinforcement (Des Marais, 2024), which applied in the context of kids, is when something unwanted stops only when the child or teen engages in the desired, positive behavior. What stops? Just the usual, typical privileges most kids have, such as their phones, gaming systems, or tablets. Privileges are only restored after the kid engages in positive behavior for some reasonable amount of time. I’ll give examples of this in just a minute.

I’ve never much cared for the term negative reinforcement because it’s confusing, doesn’t really convey what it actually is, and most parents think it’s just another word for punishment. I’ve come up with a better term that’s much easier for parents to understand and remember: Pause, Earn, and Return Reinforcement. After a child behaves in a negative or unwanted behavior, their privileges are temporarily paused and the child has to earn their return.

An Example of Pause, Earn, and Return

Let’s say your child becomes disrespectful during an argument. You’ve already given them a cue (“Hey, it’s not okay to talk to me that way”), but the behavior continues. Pause, Earn, and Return would sound like this: “Please put your phone on the kitchen counter. Happy to give it back once you’ve been respectful for a while.”

Notice that the "while” is not specified. This removes the fixed time element that comes with punishment. When your child demands to know how long before their privileges will be restored (and they will, guaranteed), you can say:

“I can’t say for sure. Not forever, and it depends on you. You can start being respectful anytime, even right now. Being extra kind to me could also help you earn your screens back sooner. Or, if you like, you can stay mad for a few days then start earning them back. I’ll let you decide on that.”

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This approach immediately incentivizes the child to improve their behavior without triggering the secondary explosion that often comes with punishment.

Flexibility and Effectiveness

The length of the pause depends on the severity of the behavior. For mild disrespect, you might return the phone after just an hour or two of respectful (or even neutral) behavior. For more serious behavior, like kicking a hole in the wall, the pause will last longer—but typically no more than four or five days. As every parent of a teenager knows, even a brief period without a phone is an eternity for them.

Practical Applications

Here are a few more examples of how to use Pause, Earn, and Return:

• Chores. If your child refuses to do their chores, say, “Phone on the counter please until it’s done.”
• Homework. For refusing to do homework, try, “No screens tonight until your homework is finished.”
• Room Cleaning. If their room is messy, say, “Let me know when your room is clean and I’ll be happy to let you use the Xbox.”

Handling Resistance

What if your child refuses to give up their phone? This is a common issue with oppositional kids. Thankfully, many parental control features and third-party apps allow you to remotely disable devices or restrict access without needing to collect the device itself.

Why This Works

Pause, Earn, and Return simplifies consequences, avoids unnecessary conflict, and highly incentivizes kids to improve their behavior right away. It won’t change behavior overnight, but if applied consistently for a couple of months, you’ll likely see noticeable improvements in your kid’s behavior.

Try this method the next time your child or teen misbehaves. You might be surprised by how effective it can be.