Why "Leaning In" to Tantrums Could Make Them Worse

Gentle parenting is a popular approach first described in 2015 by Sarah Ockwell-Smith. It emphasizes fostering a close emotional connection between parents and their kids while relying less on punishing unwanted behaviors.

Gentle parenting is closely aligned with authoritative parenting, a well-researched style that balances warmth and affection with firm boundaries. However, gentle parenting—especially in its more popularized versions—is not without its critics. Many view it as just a way for parents to let their kids get away with murder.

There is no shortage of social media influencers eager to give parents advice on how to handle temper tantrums (“dysregulation” tends to be the word used for teens). However, much of the advice lacks scientific backing and often diverges from the recommendations of evidence-based treatments for oppositional kids and explosive kids.

One key concept that has gained traction on social media is “co-regulation.” At its core, co-regulation is about parents being mindful of their own emotions when responding to a dysregulated child. I actually love this aspect of gentle parenting. In my work with families of highly oppositional children and teens, I always stress the importance of parents staying calm and matter-of-fact when their child becomes disrespectful, oppositional, or demanding.

Admittedly, this is no easy feat when a parent feels pushed to their limits. However, research shows that emotions are contagious: An outwardly angry parent often fuels a child’s anger, escalating the situation further.

Where Gentle Parenting Advice Goes Wrong

Here’s where the advice of gentle parenting influencers veers off track from the science. Many influencers advise “leaning in” to a dysregulated child—interacting with them, soothing them, and attempting to calm them down (“Let’s try your breathing exercises”). While this is fine with a kid who isn’t directing their anger at someone else, it’s less effective—and counter-productive—when the anger is directed at the parent.

During tantrums, children typically lash out at their parents with yelling, unkind words, and blame. In this situation, “leaning in” can perpetuate a child’s dysregulation. It also denies them the opportunity to practice self-soothing and develop emotional regulation skills without relying on parents to “co-regulate” with them.

Staying engaged also contradicts the recommendations made by evidence-based treatments for oppositional and explosive kids, such as parent management training (Helander et al., 2024), parent-child interaction therapy (Thomas et al, 2017), and the Incredible Years (Menting et al., 2013).

The Alternative: Strategic Disengagement

What do these treatments recommend? ‘Leaning out,” or what I refer to as strategic disengagement.

When a child or teen becomes so dysregulated that they are no longer open to being soothed or coached, it’s time for the parent to disengage. This means refraining from speaking to them, as almost anything said in these moments tends to escalate their anger and fuel more arguments. I call this the “pinging” effect, in which children “ping” off every parental attempt to soothe or help (“Deep breaths don’t work!”).

Before disengaging, I encourage parents to calmly state, “I can’t talk to you when you’re yelling at me,” or “I’ll be happy to talk once you’ve calmed down.” After this, the parent should walk away and avoid further interaction until the child has fully settled—usually within an hour or two.

Over time, children learn that the only way to re-engage with their parents is by calming themselves down. While this approach may feel counterintuitive, especially for parents whose instincts tell them to stay involved, it is much more effective.

Disengagement Is an Active Process

It’s important to clarify that disengagement is not about withholding affection or abandoning the child. Parents should maintain a calm, neutral demeanor and stay within a room or two away, ready to step in if safety becomes an issue. Once the child has fully calmed, the parent should re-engage in a warm and friendly way.

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Disengagement also works best when paired with some sort of reasonable consequence, especially if the tantrum is prolonged or involves property damage. For example, screens might only be earned on days in which there are no temper tantrums.

What About Teaching Emotion Regulation Skills?

Here’s the great thing about disengagement: It puts the child in the position of learning how to regulate their own emotions. This creates a powerful incentive for kids to calm down as they naturally want their parents’ attention.

The only time a parent can truly teach their child emotion regulation skills is once the tantrum has passed. No active learning takes place during a tantrum—far from it—but it can happen afterward (“Let’s talk about what you could do differently the next time you feel this mad”).

Conclusion

Who doesn’t like the idea of being a gentle parent? Warmth, kindness, and emotional connection are essential for raising compassionate and emotionally secure human beings. However, tantrums call for a different approach.

If you want to help your child stop throwing tantrums, it’s time to lean out—despite what you might hear on TikTok.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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