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Forgiveness
Seeking Self-Forgiveness
We all deserve to live beautiful lives, even if our pasts say otherwise.
Posted March 14, 2021 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
How do we forgive ourselves when we mess up? We may think that we don’t deserve forgiveness because of the mistakes that we’ve made. However, everyone deserves forgiveness, despite the suffering or heartache we may have caused in the past. In fact, self-forgiveness is an essential part of leading a more honest and fulfilling life.
In my town, there was a woman with four children who went out drinking one night. On her drive home, she crashed into another car with three teenagers and all of them died in the accident. She was sentenced to 51 years in prison for her actions. Most of us reading this story can’t relate to this type of crime, but I think it’s safe to assume we’ve all made decisions that could have had really harmful consequences. Or we’ve caused people intentional or unintentional harm that we later regretted.
One of the listeners of my podcast sent the following message, “Hello, Dr. Puff, I’m a long-time listener. In my early childhood, I experienced a lot of violence, both verbal and physical from my parents and others, and I inflicted the same [violence] upon my sister. I witnessed my father being violent with my mother and others. I actually thought it was a normal part of life to be violent, mean, and judgmental.
"As I got older, and after I started listening to your podcast, I became aware that my behavior was extremely wrong. I have genuinely apologized to her many times and explained that my awareness wasn't there and I deeply regret my actions. Although we have been apart for more than 20 years, and she’s a professional with a wonderful family, she still has very negative thoughts about me and lashes out at me. She blames me for ruining her life. In your podcast, you always say to do whatever you can to reconcile, and then forgive yourself, and I think that's all I can do now. Do you have any suggestions on how I can move forward?” —Jayden.
So, how do we forgive ourselves when we’ve caused physical or emotional pain to the ones we love? It can seem like there is no room for self-forgiveness when we inflict pain upon others. The truth is, there is always room for self-forgiveness, no matter the pain and suffering we’ve caused. Humans mess up, and sometimes we get lucky that our actions didn’t cause the level of harm that they could have. Of course, there are degrees to the hurt we can cause others, but we are always capable of forgiving ourselves. Self-forgiveness is the way forward towards a healthy and happier life.
Because if we don’t allow ourselves to heal, we’ll be forced to numb ourselves from the pain. Or we’ll find moments of joy, but they will always be overshadowed by the mistake we made. Both scenarios are dangerous because they have the capacity to send us down a shame spiral. This shame will take away any chance of peace or happiness.
So how do we forgive ourselves and move forward to lead a beautiful life?
The first thing we must do is acknowledge what we’ve done, and be completely truthful about it. Once we’re able to acknowledge the thing we’ve done or the hurt we’ve caused, it’s important to gather information and understanding about our actions. For some people, this might mean going to therapy to process everything, while for others it might mean journaling or even speaking to the people we’ve hurt. Whatever it is, honesty is the first action that should take place.
The next step towards self-forgiveness is to reconcile and amend your relationship with the person or people you hurt. In the examples we looked at earlier, Jayden apologized to his sister and the woman apologized to the parents during the court proceedings.
There are many nuances during this step. For example, sometimes the person we hurt may not be here anymore. This doesn’t necessarily mean we can’t make amends or apologize. We can visit their grave, or simply talk to them as if they were still here. Or we may feel a strong need to apologize, but that apology could be very triggering or painful for the inflicted party. An alternative to apologizing directly could be to tell someone who is empathetic and kind about what you did. Secrets weigh us down, and getting this off your chest to someone who will be receptive may help you move on.
The next step towards self-forgiveness is to ask ourselves, is there anything else I can do to make retribution for what I’ve done? This may mean jail time, keeping a distance from the other person, making financial retributions, or helping other people in the same situation as the person we hurt.
And last, we take a deep breath because we’ve arrived at the final and hardest step: to release the past and forgive ourselves. We’ve contemplated our action, we’ve listened, we’ve reached out, and after we’ve done everything we can to make it right, we must live our own life, as best as we can. Because the truth is, we all make mistakes, and sometimes these mistakes are really big, while other times we just got really lucky that something terrible didn’t happen from our decisions.
When we intentionally hurt people, it’s because we are also hurting deep down. Have you ever heard the saying “Hurt people, hurt people”? Extensive research has been done about people who have committed a variety of crimes, and most of the time they were simply passing off the baton they were given. This doesn’t make it right, but it does help us understand why people cause pain. If we take the time to understand our behavior, we can let it go.
We can choose to release our past actions and live a better life from anywhere, even in prison. One of my friends is a psychologist who works with people who are in prison. One of the most enlightened and peaceful people she’s ever worked with is a man who’s currently on death row. Even in prison, he has done extensive work on himself and has found deep peace and happiness. This is a reminder that we can choose to live well, one day at a time, no matter what we’ve hurt we’ve caused in our past.
This topic feels extra personal for me because I’ve been on a lifelong journey of self-forgiveness. When I was 14 years old, I decided to leave my family and friends with only a windbreaker, a bible, and $70 in cash. I was seeking answers to big questions, like what is life all about? And at the time, I felt like the only way to figure it out was to leave home, without telling anyone. My family didn’t know if I was dead or alive for nine months, and as a parent, I now understand the depth of the pain I caused.
I did eventually return, and after my family’s relief subsided, I had a lot to forgive myself for. Once I went through the steps laid out — understanding the hurt I caused, making amends, and offering retribution — I did find self-forgiveness and I allowed myself to heal. I believe that in the end, I was able to turn that experience and all of the learnings from it into something beautiful.
An inevitable part of life is making mistakes and decisions that may hurt others. We can choose to exist in a self-loathing spiral, or we can take the lessons we learned and use them to live a better, more fulfilled life. I believe I wouldn’t be where I am today had I not left home at 14 years old. I’m grateful because I was able to forgive myself for the pain that journey caused, and as a result, I’m now able to share my learnings with you.
We all deserve to live beautiful lives, even if our pasts say otherwise. Part of that journey is self-forgiveness, and this process can begin whether the people we hurt choose to forgive us or not. Your sole responsibility is to forgive and accept yourself, and choose to live each day well.
