Narcissists: Why They Act That Way and What You Can Do

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Many people feel puzzled by the actions of narcissists. One moment, you feel safe with having someone so charming, generous, and supportive close to you. Then, suddenly, their wonderfulness shifts to something sharp, jolting, and painful. It can feel like a wasp stinging you emotionally, over and over again, rattling your sense of security.

As a therapist, I often encounter clients blaming themselves in the aftermath of a conflict with someone with narcissistic traits. They wonder what they did wrong, how to make amends, and how to “fix” the relationship—to get it back to how it was before the rupture.

On one hand, that self-exploration and quest for accountability are often the compass that points us toward our highest selves. On the other hand, if you’re in a relationship with "a narcissist"—or someone with strong traits—seeking your “part” can become an endless loop of misunderstandings and self-doubt.

What is "a narcissist," really?

In my opinion, the term is wildly overused nowadays. A person with narcissistic personality disorder is someone with a mix of the characteristics below.¹

• Inflated self-importance, even when their accomplishments don’t back that up
• Constant hunger for attention and admiration
• Insistence that their way wins
• Exploitation in relationships, meaning using others, whether through manipulation, boundary-pushing, or taking advantage of generosity
• A lack of awareness or care about how their actions affect people
• A level of arrogance, envy, or haughtiness that’s far outside the norm (sometimes loud and obvious, sometimes subtle and covert)

Occasional outbursts of one or more of these traits do not constitute the label. For a true narcissist, a combination of the above is part of their way of being in the world.

Different types of narcissism

There are at least two different types of narcissism: grandiose and vulnerable. The first is probably more well-known.

Grandiose narcissists are typically characterized by their boldness, charm, extraversion, a need for admiration, and a seeming lack of empathy or consideration for others. Their bravado might come in the form of bolstering themselves up to protect against self-doubt. They may dominate conversations, brag, and demand admiration.

Vulnerable narcissists—sometimes referred to as “covert narcissists”—lean toward neuroticism (emotionally reactive).² While intensely sensitive to criticism, they hunger for external validation.³ A person with vulnerable narcissism tends to cope through avoidance, passive-aggressiveness, and withdrawal.⁴ Unlike the grandiose type, boldness isn’t their style. They instead zap you stealthily and make you chase them or feel awful.

So what is behind these seemingly contradictory styles of narcissism? Whether bold or subtle, there’s a common thread.

Why do they do that? About behaviors

While you may view their behavior as poor, unfair, irrational, or dramatic, they are revealing their intense internal insecurity in their reactions and behaviors. Reminder: True narcissists don’t just desire a constant flow of praise and supportive attention; they need it for stability.

While you are serving and propping them up (meeting their needs), the relationship can feel mutually supportive—ideal! People with narcissism may even seem empathetic as they seem to bond with you, such as aligning with you over perceived injustices that you have experienced, which provides you with false trust and reassurance that you both share the same values. However, there’s a good chance they’ll inflict a similar injustice on you. Why? Either they cannot naturally make that connection, or behaving fairly might demand more empathy than they possess or can access. It could be both.

They may truly not understand why you feel hurt or upset by them. Often, they’re so focused on protecting their fragile sense of self that your pain may not register. That doesn’t excuse the harm, but it can explain why change is so hard. Also, their insecurity may be blocking the empathy they do have, so self-protection wins over compassion for you.

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When someone with strong narcissistic traits' self-perception is threatened (for example, if you correct them, share that you’re hurt, or question their superiority), they often respond with blame, defensiveness, or gaslighting. This escalation is less about malice and more about restoring a shaken sense of worth. In other words, they use defenses to put out the fire any way possible so it doesn't disrupt their needs or allow them to drown in their insecurities.

As their reactions escalate, many people try to calm things down with logic. Unfortunately, this usually intensifies conflict rather than resolving it,⁵ resulting in confusion, self-doubt, and a longing to “get back” to the version of the relationship that once felt rewarding and connected. The person with narcissistic traits probably doesn’t mean to be pushing you away; they may be doing their best with the internal constructs they have.

I want to acknowledge how jolting encountering narcissism can feel. You likely didn’t choose the tornado of pain or confusion—you probably wanted to get your needs met or improve the relationship (e.g., have them take some ownership, share more give-and-take).

What you can do to make things better

Here are five things you can do to make things better:

1. Don’t beat yourself up if you have gotten into one (or many) of these interactions. Screening for narcissistic traits is not necessarily a skill we’re taught as we grow up. You are not the first to experience or misunderstand narcissism.
2. It helps to remember that beneath the harshness lies insecurity. Compassion—for them and for yourself—can disrupt the cycle of escalating distress. Since fairness battles don’t tend to work with people who have strong narcissistic features, instead, ground yourself in your own values and clarity about what you want from the relationship. For coworkers, this may mean setting compassionate but firm limits. For friends, this might include weighing the positives against the difficulties. And if you have a parent figure with narcissistic traits, it may help to imagine them as a toddler in the throes of a tantrum. Proving yourself “right” to them not only prolongs the struggle but also usually drains your energy because their insecurity will likely block your attempts.
3. Learn how to set and follow through with airtight but compassionate boundaries. If you stay in the relationship, those will likely be your chance for balance and safety.
4. The more you understand narcissism, the less likely you are to blame yourself or engage in continuing the battles. That clarity can be where your repair can begin.
5. Remember that understanding can be empowering and healing in itself.

In closing, let me be clear: Narcissistic behavior should not be excused or dismissed because it is based in fear—do not allow yourself to be abused because of someone else's insecurities. The tools laid out here might help you navigate your relationship with a person with narcissism and help you find more peace.

This is for informational purposes and does not provide therapy.