The Dark Side of Boundaries No One Talks About

Source: Kevin Malik / Pexels

Do you feel like you’re living in a selfish world? If so, you’re not alone—though it may make you feel alone. A Fortune article titled “The ‘age of selfishness’ is making us sick, single, and miserable”¹ linked this rise to pandemic-era isolation. But what if the selfishness is based on the boundaries we apply to our relationships?

For decades, self-help and pop psychology cultures have promoted boundaries as the key to happiness. Many of us have worked hard to identify and enforce them, even cheering each other on for doing so. But in the process, some have placed those boundaries in front of—not alongside—their deepest needs: connection, peace, and relational safety.

Since I don’t share my therapy clients’ specific stories, I’ll give a personal example. But first, a disclaimer: Humans are inherently selfish. Even generosity often makes us feel good, which is a form of self-interest. So let’s suspend the sting of the word “selfish” for a moment.

Years ago, a friend asked me to pet-sit for around two weeks. It was a big-ish ask, but I agreed—because that’s what friends do, right?

While they were away, one of the pets—a feline—disappeared. Turns out, someone else had entered the house (with permission—but not from me). I lost nights of sleep, called shelters, put up signs, and organized search efforts. Thankfully, the cat reappeared at the end of the trip. My friend returned, laughed about the cat’s timing, and handed me a souvenir. It felt a bit lackluster—but I assumed I was hoping for too much. (They aren’t a gushy-type, so okay.)

A few months later, I asked this friend for a ride to the airport. I'm mindful of rarely asking for help or favors, and knowing their schedule, I figured it was reasonable. Their reply? “That doesn’t work for me,” followed by a suggestion to take public transit.

I felt angry and confused. Rationally, I knew they were setting a boundary. Still, it hurt that 60–90 minutes of potential traffic outweighed all I had endured on their behalf. I wanted to pull away, to protect myself from feeling used. Silently, I vowed not to help them again.

That felt uncomfortable but necessary. Resentment was creeping in. I cared about this friend and wanted them in my life. I cut off the part of me that wanted to show up for them—not because I stopped caring, but because I needed peace and more realistic expectations.

Has anyone else been there? Pulling back from your generous part because someone didn’t meet your hope or expectation? You’re not arrogant—you’re just noticing a pattern that doesn’t feel mutual.

Why This Happens

A 2023 study, "Social expectations are primarily rooted in reciprocity," sheds some light.²

• We tend to expect others to act the way we do.
• Trust is shaped more by reciprocity than by social norms.
• In mismatched relationships, selfishness tends to reinforce itself.
• People with generous orientations often pull back when faced with selfishness, but people with selfish orientations rarely become more generous in response to kindness.

In short, selfishness is kind of contagious. Trust doesn’t grow from judging others as “selfish” or demanding they change to better match our personal expectations, but from finding people whose generosity/self-interest ratios match our own.

In my case, neither of us was “bad.” We simply weren’t a match for each other’s relational style. I imagine my pullback felt bad to them—it did to me. A genuine, caring friendship was forming, but mismatched expectations broke it down.

What’s Behind a Boundary?

Many of us were never taught how to set healthy boundaries, so it’s understandable that we’d cling to them as essential tools. But in my opinion, the rah-rah culture around boundary-setting—without critical reflection—has done some harm.

If generosity retreats in the face of selfishness, that might help explain why society feels increasingly divided and unhappy.

Boundaries Essential Reads

What Estranged Parents Often Misunderstand About No Contact

Holding the Boundary That Breaks Your Heart

Boundaries are meant to protect well-being and clarify what’s acceptable in a relationship. But well-being doesn’t come from a single decision; it comes from many choices over time.

Back when I was friends with this person, they deeply craved connected, loving relationships. We talked about that often. But I watched them make repeated self-protective choices that cut them off from the very closeness they longed for.

That’s the tricky thing: Putting yourself first doesn’t always get you what you want. Research shows that loneliness increases both self-protection and selfishness, creating a painful cycle that keeps people isolated.³

What Do “Thoughtfully Self-Protective” Boundaries Look Like?

There’s a fine line between selfish and self-protective. As a therapist, I help clients reflect on what’s genuinely in service of their long-term well-being—not just what feels easiest or most comfortable in the moment. That includes factoring in both pro-self and pro-social desires.

Contrary to pop psychology’s quick fixes, it is my experience that most people benefit from taking time to learn how to set “thoughtfully self-protective” boundaries that protect without punishing, and serve their values, not just their stress response.

If you find yourself shutting down your generosity, you might need more time—or different people—who better match your inner expectations. And if people in your life are pulling away from you, it might be worth asking: Am I more self-focused than I realize?

Questions to Ask Before Setting a Boundary

• What’s the goal of this boundary?
• Have I communicated my need previously?
• What are the short- and long-term risks and benefits?
• How might this affect the other person and the relationship?
• Is the give-and-take in this relationship currently balanced? (This is the “Put yourself in their shoes” assessment)
• Does this boundary align with who I am and what I value?

After answering those, your boundary might stay the same—or evolve a little. Either way, you’ll likely be clearer in how you want to deliver it: lovingly, directly, briefly, or with softness.

Bottom Line

Boundaries are powerful. But they’re not automatically good, kind, “healthy,” or wise. It’s worth pausing to think critically about what they protect—and whether they serve the well-being of both you and your relationships.

When we apply critical thinking to reflect on how our boundaries affect both ourselves and others, we can better ensure they align with our—and others’—well-being.

This post is for educational purposes only and does not constitute therapy or a professional relationship with the author.

Facebook image: Nutlegal Photographer/Shutterstock

LinkedIn image: Tiko Aramyan/Shutterstock