Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us, and along with all the usual hype and hullabaloo, we’re also seeing plenty of cynicism, which seems to be more plentiful than ever. While I find the hype as facile and insincere as anyone, I find the cynicism even worse.
Consider several of the items which came down the Twitter feed this week:
“All Dating Advice Is as Terrible as the People Who Give It,” in which Oliver Burkeman opines against dating advice—a position with which I mostly agree, with one modest exception—but then ends with the recommendation, “Please instead make sure to focus on the true meaning of Valentine’s Day, which is, of course, brand awareness.”
“What’s Love Got to Do with It?”, in which Kate Thompson examines the history and the hype of Valentine's Day, including her judgment that, “as a couple psychotherapist, the idealised romance of Valentine’s Day with its fantasy-laden, unconscious projection onto a ‘love object’ is not necessarily good news.”
“It’s Better to Be Single on Valentine’s Day,” in which philosopher Neil McArthur and economist Marina Adshade model Valentine’s Day behavior with the Prisoners’ Dilemma from game theory, concluding that the day serves primarily “an environment in which those in relationships can get information about how committed their partner is… a massive coordinated effort in which men and women have little choice but to spend time and money to assure their partners that they are loved.”
Finally, the Room for Debate feature at The New York Times gives us “How to Handle Heartbreak on Valentine’s Day,” the topic of which speaks for itself.
(At least none of these are as bad as this group of disgrunted men in Japan who proclaim that "the blood-soaked conspiracy of Valentine’s Day, driven by the oppressive chocolate capitalists, has arrived once again. In order to create a brighter future, we call for solidarity among our unloved comrades, so that we may demonstrate in resolute opposition to Valentine’s Day and the romantic industrial complex." Chocolate capitalists, heh.)
Listen, I get it. The hype can be unbearable. But the reaction to that hype need not be cynicism or, even worse, nihilism about love and romance itself. I know we live in terribly unsentimental times, when we’re all expected to be coolly detached, apathetic, and pragmatic about everything, but I will continue to tilt at my windmills, thank you very much. If any of us still value love and romance—and I suspect many of us do, despite our feigned reticence—we shouldn’t let a little corporate exploitation ruin that for us. If you don’t like the hype, then ignore it, or focus on the heart of the day (no pun intended). But don’t feel the need to undercut what the day can mean to those who want to enjoy it.
And speaking as a single person, I bear no resentment toward Valentine’s Day. Shocking, I know. I’m happy for the people who can celebrate it with someone; if I want, I can always remember the Valentine’s Days past when I did have someone to spend them with. (Don’t pity me—save your pity for them!) And I certainly don’t need February 14 to be miserable; if I were going to be miserable about being single, any day would do.
Whether you’re coupled, dating, or single, my advice—with all due respect to Mr. Burkeman—is this. Don’t partake in the hype if you don’t want to. No one is forcing you. Do with the day as you will. Take a chance to do a little something special, or don’t. You do have a choice—ignore the hype. Don’t buy the flowers, the candy, the cards, the fancy dinner, or the ride in the horse-drawn carriage—unless you would have anyway!
You can resist the pressure to conform to Valentine’s Day ritual and expectation, especially if your relationship is secure enough without it—and if it isn’t, then you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands, one that will last far beyond February 14! And feel free to resist the hype even if you’re just starting to date someone; after all, Valentine’s Day is a great chance to find out how much social pressure and expectation means to him or her.
But at the same time, there’s no need to let the pendulum swing so far in the opposite direction to the point at which you become cynical, not only about Valentine’s Day but about love and romance in general. (If you’re going to be cynical about love and romance in general, have the decency not to do on Valentine’s Day, OK?) We didn’t make February 14 into Valentine’s Day, but it’s still our day to do with how we please. You don’t have to succumb to the hype, and neither do you have to succumb to the cynicism.
Maybe the cynicism serves one important purpose, though. It clearly shows us who not to spend Valentine’s Day with.
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For a select list of my previous Psychology Today posts on self-loathing, relationships, and other topics, see here.
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