The Power of the "Enough" Mother

This time of year is always bittersweet, isn’t it? As the clocks change and the days get longer, it’s a relief to have these extra hours of sunlight and to feel the tingle of hope and rebirth in the promise of spring weather and lighter layers. But I also feel a sense of loss lingering underneath—the hour we lose “springing forward” in daylight savings, another season gone and year underway, time with loved ones and children becoming ever more precious. I’m not alone in wondering whether I’ve given all I could in the past to make the present as good as it can be for myself and my family, and it is especially poignant for me in this moment, which coincides with the publication of my second book, Maternal Ambivalence: The Loving Moments & Bitter Truths of Motherhood.

The reality of motherhood is indeed bittersweet because it is a fact that, as mothers, we constantly experience a range of feelings, including joy and pain, happiness and sadness, tenderness and resentment, and while we tend to favor the light and neglect the darker emotions, these difficult, disturbing moments have value. They are the stepping stones to a stronger, fiercer maternal love. Maternal ambivalence encourages us to be fluid rather than rigid in our mothering, to be thoughtful about how expectations bind rather than free us, and how the passage of time impacts our daily lives.

In both my personal and professional life, I often ask myself two questions: What do most mothers strive for in their mothering? And how does a mother establish and recognize her own benchmarks for success? These queries aren’t easy to respond to. A young mother I know articulates it best. Her forceful but heartfelt statement, “I just want to be enough,” is both concise and meaningful and guides my understanding; successful mothering is a feeling of what I refer to as enoughness for a mother. There are no descriptive words; it’s just enough.

While every mother has her own version of what is enough, equally, it’s something recognizable. It’s in that warm moment when a mother is in rhythm with her world and her child—a moment when it all makes sense. She is able to acknowledge and accept that she’s doing the best job she can, given her limitations, of which there are many. Any moments of self-acceptance and self-forgiveness also help her to have compassion for her child. These are moments that replenish her and steel her for what’s ahead.

We’re all a work in progress, mothers being just as much so, if not more. From our missteps as mothers, we learn, repair, and recover, and eventually, we understand that it’s OK to be less than perfect; in fact, striving for perfection only raises the bar of motherhood to heights impossible to reach.

And I believe that it is in these imperfect times that we have the opportunity to regain our equilibrium. To feel that we are enough. These are the moments where the universe briefly aligns and when our blunders actually make sense. We gain confidence that in spite of these lapses, we can keep moving forward and come to trust that moments like these will be recaptured many times.

This hopeful state of mind isn’t easy to reach or hold onto. One minute, a mother grasps it, and the next, it’s gone. It is hard to preserve in the early, hands-on years of mothering when every minute presents new possibilities, and there is so little time to think.

Enoughness is an active dynamic. It encourages us to be aware of and to challenge both our inner expectations and the external cultural ones. It urges us to be compassionate with our limitations and to check ourselves when we feel overwhelmed by fear, doubt, and impossibly high cultural standards.

This poses questions of how we manage being flooded with uncertainty, not knowing what the future holds. T. H. Ogden gives wise words to this daily and constant part of mothering. He reframes “not knowing” as an opportunity to push forward despite the feelings of fear, confusion, and being lost that uncertainty brings to the mother.

The mother who is enough can tolerate this turmoil. She can recover her equilibrium and get to her own truth despite the mess and confusion that everyday mothering brings. Her constant struggle to feel enough is buoyed by her ability to keep moving forward despite the fear of the unknown, her willingness to forgive herself and her child, and the power of the love she has for her child.

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The notion of time is a monumental test of a mother’s feelings of her own enoughness. As new mothers, we are pressed for time, ruled by sleeping routines and eating schedules. We’re at the mercy of time, whether in the seconds and minutes that tick by indefinitely or the years that suddenly disappear while we’re preoccupied with everyday life.

Motherhood is the most time-consuming job there is. Fitting our lives into a schedule heightens the daily tensions between the expectations that the mother places on herself and those that come from the outside world. Who does her time belong to? Is it hers to share with her child, or vice versa?

The paradox is that the mother who isn’t ruled by the minutes, who allows herself to run out of time as she relaxes, plays, and enjoys her child rather than continually watching the clock, is on an easier path toward achieving her enoughness. This is in contrast to a mother who feels that she isn’t enough and is bound to struggle more with her discomfort as she attempts to do more and more in her precious time to compensate for her perceived failings. In their circular paths to achieve enoughness, it is clear that flowing with time surpasses being ruled by it.

In fact, I ended my first book, The Maternal Experience, with some musings and misgivings about my years of hands-on mothering titled “If Only I...” And I quote: “If only I had slowed down, been less serious and laughed more. Had I played longer at bath time, been willing for my children to be late to school a few times and insisted on less after-school activities.” In hindsight, fluidity and presence trump rigidity.

Enoughness shows us that there is power and resilience in repair, in the discomforts of mothering, in not being at the mercy of time but flowing with it as we learn to keep going despite the struggle that lies in not knowing where we are even going.

Ultimately, the enough mother surrenders to her own version of mothering. She acknowledges and opens herself up to the fullness of the experience by accepting all her feelings, which frees her to be OK with motherhood’s messiness. She understands that all of her feelings need a voice and a place in her consciousness, even if some are too difficult to talk about. Her painful feelings and inner tensions have value.

She shapes a thinking space to help her respond rather than react. A process of self-acceptance and compassion allows her to gather herself and mend her mistakes, trusting that next time or the time after, she will do better. While her expectations about herself and outside social pressures continually threaten her balance, she can steady herself enough of the time.

She normalizes her feelings. She discovers a rhythm that works for her enough of the time. She remains curious and bears the unknowns that she faces daily. Rather than ignoring her distressing feelings, she faces them head-on despite her fear of and revulsion toward them. She becomes brave.