Laurie J Watson LMFT, LPC

Married and Still Doing It

5 Tips to Holiday Partying to Keep Sex Hot at Home

Avoid these intimacy disasters during a party.

Posted Dec 09, 2019


With all the fun and festivities coming, ironically, the holiday party is often a minefield for couples. Much of January can be spent on the couch in my office as couple try to repair from injuries that happened during the most wonderful time of the year.

Bernardbodo/ used with permission from iStock
Couples Celebration at the Holidays
Source: Bernardbodo/ used with permission from iStock

The merrymaking can turn into disaster when your partner/spouse:

  • flirts with their young co-worker,
  • doesn’t notice the care you put into YOUR outfit,
  • wanders off with nary a nod in your direction all night, 
  • hugs everybody but you
  • too drunk to perform sexually or 
  • too sleepy after drinking for the private after-party! 

Some tips to keep it hot:

1)    Have a conversation about how much drinking is acceptable to both during the evening. While a little alcohol can raise your spirits and lower your inhibitions helping people be more flirty and more touchy, it doesn’t necessarily direct those actions toward your spouse. And of course, alcohol is a major negative influencer in couples fights often loosing inhibitions to say angry hurtful things when other feelings of rejection and insecurity are activated.

2)    Discuss your rules of engagement with opposite sex. Are you okay with a little flirting? Are there actions that would make you feel like you or your partner has gone too far astray from the bounds of your commitments. If there was a previous infidelity, partners may feel jealous and rageful at small and seemingly innocuous behaviors, even like seeing their partner observe another or talking too long to one person. Especially if you were the partner who strayed, be sure to bring up that you know feelings of anxiety might be present in your partner and invite a conversation to discuss these emotions.

3)    Be intentional about how you share time at the party - spend some of it as a couple enjoying other guests… touch, hold hands, dance close - signal the room that you enjoy each other, that you belong together.  The number one complaint I hear from couples is that they felt lonely at a party they attended with their spouse. Touch base in the middle of the party to see if your partner is missing you…. Touch!

4)    Time for extravagant compliments - not “you look nice” but “wow, you make that dress hot!!” Bonus points if you say it in front of other party guests!  A party is exciting and recreates all the fun of dating - dressing up, celebrating a special occasion, anticipation, and seeing our partner through different eyes. We start tingling when we think of the gaze of our partner’s lust and love.

5)    Make love before you go to the party and enjoy each other in the afterglow. Clients and friends tell me there is nothing sexier than a sly smile across the room from their partner about their secret! And to add to the evening, most people look more relaxed and beautiful after having had sex.