How to Negotiate a Variety of Sexual Options

A 21st-century sexual revolution may be in the making with men and women enjoying oral sex as a mainstream sexual activity. This is significant because oral sex provides a greater orgasmic opportunity for them.

The 1960s sexual revolution made women having sex before marriage acceptable. But, it did not bring women an equally pleasurable sexual experience. In fact, it highlighted the ‘orgasm gap’. One survey found that 64 percent of women and 91 percent of men said they had had an orgasm at their most recent sexual encounter. This gap is larger in casual sex than relationship sex.

It looks like 21st-century sex will be about variability in what people enjoy and how they achieve orgasm. Partners will want to learn how to negotiate oral sex to achieve sexual satisfaction. How can we get better at negotiating sex, particularly oral sex?

Let’s Get Rid of Stereotypical “Sexual Scripts”

Let’s start by asking our partners what kinds of orgasms they enjoy the most and try to get rid of or adapt their old sexual scripts. According to researcher, Lauren Rosewarne, “sexual scripts” show that the “hijinks” of our bedrooms typically follow a pattern of internalized conventions and norms. Here are some of those bedroom “hijinks”.

Sex as Quid Pro Quo

Men and women who have performed oral sex on their partners, often fall into the trap, consciously or not, of feeling they are owed. They have “given” their partner satisfaction and they are due. It is not surprising to learn that men receive fellatio (oral sex on a man) more than women receive cunnilingus (oral sex for women). Women would have quite liked their “blow job” gifts to be repaid but did not expect it.

As Rosewarne says, “It’s an icky, upsetting, a big fat turn-off that a sex act might be performed purely—or even just largely—out of expectation, point-scoring or because someone is due ‘their share.’”

Sex Ends with Male Orgasm

Both men and women have internalized the script that sex ends with the male orgasm. This norm is grounded in ideas about who sex is primarily for—who “needs” it most and whose pleasure matters. More about sex as a “need” below.

Cunnilingus as “Foreplay”

Defining satisfactory sex, as intercourse leading to male ejaculation means that oral sex can be considered the precursor to the “main event.” Cunnilingus may be a lead-in or an adjunct to sex, but it is rarely sex in its entirety.

You Can’t Negotiate “Needs”

The idea that our various sexual interests can all be viewed as “needs” is popular. Of course, we all desire sex, and engaging in sexual activities is fundamental to being human. But how we carry out our sexual desires is through our sexual preferences (what, when, where, how, how frequently, and with whom).

We can negotiate our preferences; we can’t negotiate “needs”—because a “need” is an entitlement, which we can demand. We simply cannot elevate our personal preferences to demands without leading to conflict in the relationship.

Prepping for Negotiating Oral Sex

Who teaches us about oral sex? Our parents? Sex ed classes? Resistance to teaching sex ed in schools leaves young people with old ideas and attitudes about sex in general, and oral sex in particular. Unfortunately, a lot of us learn from porn where sex is something done to women by and for men.

Some women may not be tuned into their bodies, which can result in less than satisfactory sexual outcomes. Women who masturbate more often (than other women) will be more in tune with their bodies—more aware of their sexual pleasure. The same is true for men who have been less inhibited and less sanctioned about masturbation. Masturbation is a sure way to discover what is sexually pleasurable to you.

Negotiating Oral Sex with Your Partner

Gracie Landes, a licensed marriage and family therapist, noted that in any satisfying, healthy sexual relationship, it isn’t as simple as whether someone does or doesn’t want to perform a particular sex act. Specific sex acts must be governed by mutual consent. This is certainly true of oral sex—it needs to be negotiated. Here are several steps to negotiating sex in your relationship to get to mutual consent for oral sex.

Identify the Issue

As a husband-male partner, do you want to have your wife-female partner perform oral sex on you? Do you want to perform oral sex on your wife-female partner?

As a wife-female partner, do you want to have your husband-male partner perform oral sex on you? Do you want to perform oral sex on your husband-male partner?

Is either of you already engaging in oral sex, but want to talk about how it is done? Are you able to talk about how you would like oral sex to be performed on you?

Approaching Your Partner

Give your partner a heads-up about what you want to talk about. It is important to give him or her time to think about the issue. You, of course, have thought about it, probably a lot. Set a time for a sit-down when you won’t be interrupted.

Expressing What You Want

Since you may not have talked about or tried to negotiate the issue previously, the first thing to do is each express how you see feel about oral sex. Can you be open about how you view it? Do you have different views?

Explain What Is Important to You

Is it mostly about achieving an orgasm? Is it an effective arousal technique to enhance other sexual acts? Is it about making an intimate connection with your partner? Is it both?

This can be a time to think about and discuss the role of sex for comfort; for times when things are not going well for you; and, or, times when you are anxious.

Your Spouse-Partner Wants the Chance to Talk About His-Her Concerns

This may be a good opportunity for women to address lots of worries they have about sex in general. Women generally worry about their bodies. In oral sex, they can be significantly worried about how they will smell or taste. They worry about the appearance of their vaginas and vulvas. They worry about how long it might take to orgasm.

Men may be reluctant to perform oral sex on their partner. They went to the same sex-ed classes that women did resulting in limited information about female sexual parts and female satisfaction. In one survey of young men and women, both expressed negative views of cunnilingus, referring to it as “nasty” and ‘stinking,’

Getting to a “Win-Win” Outcome

After you have gone through these suggested steps you can explore both what oral sex involves and what aspects of the act might not be acceptable and why. Then the two of you might create an encounter that incorporates some but not all of what you both would like to have happen.

You do not want your loved and loving partner to engage in something that is too uncomfortable for them.

Pitfalls to Negotiating Oral Sex

Men may have to work at negotiating sex. To the degree that they align themselves with the world of business, they may rely subconsciously on the idea of transactions (quid pro quos) as the basis of interpersonal interactions—if he performs oral sex on you, he is “owed.”

Women may have difficulty in asserting what they want, tending to defer to their partners rather than voicing and negotiating what they want. Remember, cooperating is not negotiating. I can cooperate with you by stepping aside, i.e., deferring to your wishes.

Good Sex Is Embedded in a Good Relationship

Achieving the intimacy of oral sex through negotiation may seem awkward and intimidating. Men and women often bring different histories and experiences to their relationships, which results in different resistances and difficulties in achieving intimacy and being effective negotiators. It gets easier with practice.

Most people who marry or are partners in an ongoing relationship want an intimate relationship that supports the individual life plans of both people. Most wish for a vibrant and satisfying sexual relationship, which is embedded in such a relationship. It is worth the effort to learn to negotiate such an outcome. If you find you cannot come to a “meeting of the minds,” do not hesitate to seek professional help. It is worth it.