How to Recover from a Bad Case of the F**k-its

Some readers may object to the use of the F-word. But when they have done something wrong, many people use it, thinking: What the f**k? Why did I do that again! What the f**k is wrong with me? I’m such a f**k-up!

Many years ago, when I was first working as a psychotherapist and was running a group, we were doing an ABC(DE) exercise, one of the most popular “tools” for people who like CBT. The exercise helps people gain insight into their thinking, and then it helps them figure out what to do differently in the future.

The group had identified the “Activating” event as Thanksgiving dinner. Quite a number of the group were not looking forward to it. (Note: Some people say that the A stands for “Adversity.” There is no one right way to do an ABC, although some more orthodox CBT-ers might vigorously object.)

Unhelpful Ideas

The group then started collecting “unhelpful,” “irrational,” or “facilitating beliefs” on the whiteboard:

1. I can’t stand one of my cousins. He always says stupid things at the table
2. It’s very, very boring.
3. Everybody in my family drinks too much.
4. We shouldn’t have to follow so many rules. My grandmother must have a thousand rules about how one should sit, eat, talk. My g-d, everything!
5. It won’t matter (drinking too much).
6. No one really cares. This is all bullsh*t.

At the same time, some members of the group starting to add some of the Consequences of that kind of thinking – anger, having another drink, getting anxious (maybe a real fight will start), depressed, feeling hopeless and trapped.

And some members started to “dispute” (the D part of the ABC(DE)) some of the beliefs that they had already collected:

Why can’t you stand what your cousin says? Is it going to kill you? Hasn’t he said that same thing every year?

That led to another member saying, That’s why I can’t stand it anymore. I’m so sick and tired of this asshole making such stupid remarks, to which someone responded, Why do expect him to change?

And another member added, This is a good example of where the HulaHoop technique helps. Can you really control what is going on outside of your HulaHoop, in this case your cousin’s behavior?

The meeting was coming to an end, and one member said, F**k it. That’s what I think when I think about having to go to Thanksgiving dinner. F**k it.

There were a couple of chuckles in the room. One person nodded in agreement, but otherwise silence. And I was stumped, too. How could you dispute/question that!?

Our time was up so I had to end the meeting but walking down Madison Avenue that night I was still thinking about it. The following Tuesday, I brought it up to the group: How do you dispute, challenge or question, F**k itI? One member immediately said, Who’s “it”? What’s “it”?

Wow. Why hadn’t I thought of that? Who knows.

A Bad Case of the F**k-its

Then someone said that they often got a “bad case of the f**k-its” and felt depressed again. It sometimes completely derailed his life.

So what can you do when you are in that state of mind?

The group came up with several suggestions, some more philosophical and existential and some more practical:

1. Maybe “f**k it” does really mean you don’t care about anything. You could do an ABC on that. You could spell it out: I don’t care about anything There’s no meaning to do anything. Everything is meaningless. So it makes sense to not give a f**k.
2. In response, someone said, What do you mean by, ‘I don’t care about anything?’ Is that really true. Anything?. You don’t care about anything?
3. Someone then said, Victor Frankl in Mans Search for Meaning says that there is no meaning to life. You have to create it. Maybe you’ve given up. You’re very tired of being depressed so long, and you’ve given up hope?
4. Another member added: Yeah, when I hear that in my head, I realize that I’m just angry. I use the ABC tool and analytic meditation, sort of like R.A.I.N., to figure out what’s going on. I also remember to be more kind to myself. Hating myself and the world doesn’t help.

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In subsequent group meetings, we often came back to this issue, and some people offered more practical suggestions:

When I feel that way, I go for a walk.

Others added:

I listen to music. It makes me feel better.

I pray. It helps me feel hopeful when I’m feeling helpless. I also sometimes go to the cathedral. That also helps.

I cook. I like to eat, and I like to make things, so that helps.

I make sure that I’ve taken my medications.

I put an ice back on the back of my neck. It pops my brain out of such a loop. My brain just tosses up nonsense sometimes and that helps me stop it.

No doubt, it’s helpful to notice and acknowledge what we are saying to ourselves that is adding to or increasing our suffering. Our brain may trick us into thinking things – No one cares. I don’t care. F**k it. Past events in childhood (or more recently) and genetics may contribute to our thinking that we don’t care.

Depression and anxiety can addle our brain and with that brain, we don’t think straight. But lots of things (see above) can help get us back on track. It may be hard and slower than you want, but with new hope and your work, it will happen.