Relationships
This 6-Step Listening Technique Can Save Your Relationship
Feel unheard? Use active listening to create deeper connection.
Posted June 3, 2025 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Emotional closeness—not just communication—builds truly happy relationships.
- Understanding, empathy, and compassion are the heart of deep connection.
- Active listening helps you stay close—even when conversations get tough.
While it’s not entirely wrong to say that good communication skills are essential for strong relationships, this idea can be misleading. It might suggest that once you master these skills, relationship bliss will automatically follow. But that’s not how it works. Communication skills are valuable tools—but tools alone aren’t enough. What truly lies at the heart of happy relationships is emotional closeness. And by learning more effective communication, you build and maintain that closeness.
The Foundations of Emotional Intimacy
You want to feel emotionally close to your partner, but what do you need to do to achieve that? Simply put, three elements of conversations that can help your relationship are developing cognitive understanding, empathy, and compassion. To learn more about them, check out this 3-minute video, "Are Disagreements Driving You Apart? Try These 3 Tips for Staying Close Through Conflict":
Active Listening: The Go-to Communication Tool
Active listening is a powerful communication tool for deepening emotional intimacy in your relationship. One reason it’s especially helpful for couples is that it can be broken down into simple, manageable steps—though mastering them does take practice. That’s why it is used so often in couples therapy to increase the connection between partners. The following exercise is part of the bonus material from my book, The Insecure in Love Workbook, and it offers step-by-step guidance to help you develop the active listening skills essential for the relationship you want to build.
Step-by-Step Directions for Active Listening
I encourage you to invite your partner to join you in reading through, and then practicing, the six steps outlined below. (Because this can be difficult to put into practice, there is a cheat sheet at the end of this section that you can use as you put these new skills into practice.)
1. Speaker
Briefly state the facts, being specific and succinct. While there is nothing wrong with taking detours in general conversation, try to stay on topic for this important discussion.
Next, share how what happened affects you. Feel free to expand on your experience. You want your partner to know all about what you are going through.
You can address displeasure with your partner by explaining your feelings, but do not attack. For instance, rather than seething, “You dirty bastard…” explain, “I’m so furious with you for…” While the former will likely prompt your partner to defend or fight back, the latter approach has a better chance of them listening more openly.
2. Listener
Really listen. When you catch yourself being distracted, redirect your focus back to what is being said. Try to see the world through your partner’s eyes, including having empathy for how they feel—even if you don’t agree or you think they are overreacting. (If your partner is very distressed, show that you empathize but are not lost in it with them. For instance, your eyes might well up, but you would not be sobbing. This restrained, emotionally attuned reaction shows that you can be a safe haven as you comfort them.
Reflect your understanding. Repeat what they said in your own words and use nonverbal communication to show that you really “get” it. Be open to your partner correcting any misunderstanding.
3. Speaker
Tell your partner what they got right, and then clarify what they misunderstood or missed. If they understood you totally, say so. If not, you might say something like “You’re right that I’m really struggling with what you said to me last night, but you did not fully get why…”
4. Listener
Try again to reflect what you are hearing. If you don’t fully understand, ask for clarification.
5. Speaker and Listener
Do steps 3 and 4 as many times as necessary until the speaker feels understood.
6. Listener
Share your empathic emotional reaction toward your partner. Again, the focus here is not on whether you agree with them, but rather that when you see the situation through their eyes, you can empathize. For instance, you might say, “It hurts my heart to see you struggling so much, and I wish I could make it better. Even though I know I can’t do that, I want to at least be here for you.” The idea is for you to share your emotional reaction to the speaker’s experience.
The listener’s inner reaction may not be totally empathic. That’s OK, but lead with empathy. Once the speaker feels the listener has empathized with their experience, their defenses will lower, and they will be more open to hearing the listener’s experience.
If the listener feels the need to share their own experience, you can switch roles.
What to Expect With Practice
When you become proficient at active listening, you both will be able to turn to each other for comfort, support, and understanding. Even when facing difficult topics, you will be able to handle them together—as two people who genuinely care about each other and want both of your needs to be heard and respected. In other words, you will become the close, loving couple you aspire to be.
